Beyond Birth Plans: Embracing the Unexpected as a New Mom

In this episode, Jacqueline shares her personal journey of anticipating the arrival of her daughter through surrogacy, emphasizing the stress and preparations involved when not physically pregnant. Jacqueline mentions listening to Amy Porterfield's podcast for inspiration and perspective on embracing uncomfortable moments for growth, touching upon her infertility struggles and the benefits of pursuing uncomfortable paths for family growth.

The episode features an interview with Erin, who recounts her transition into motherhood, including challenges like birth trauma, postpartum support, and the importance of trusting one's instincts as a parent. Erin's story of moving from New Jersey to Chicagoland and seeking community in motherhood through local groups like FIT4MOM is shared. The conversation also explores the resources available for new mothers, emphasizing the need to advocate for personal needs and the importance of a supportive community in navigating the complexities of pregnancy, birth, and postpartum life.

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00:00 Welcome to Motherhood Intended: Preparing for Baby's Arrival
01:37 Finding Inspiration and Embracing Discomfort
04:44 The Journey to Motherhood: Erin's Story
07:34 Navigating Pregnancy: Expectations vs. Reality
21:18 The Birth Experience: From Plans to Reality
28:30 The Emotional Rollercoaster of Childbirth
29:56 Switching Providers Mid-Pregnancy
30:53 The NICU Experience: Navigating Postpartum Emotions
35:47 The First Months: Parenthood Under Pressure
39:05 Embracing Help and Breaking Stigmas in Motherhood
50:35 Navigating Postpartum Anxiety and Finding Support
52:05 Final Thoughts: Embracing the Unpredictability of Parenthood

Transcript

Hi friend, welcome to Motherhood Intended. I hope you're having a great week. I myself, if I'm being real, which I like to be, I'm having a pretty stressful week. Granted, I feel like it's all stress that I am bringing on myself, but the overwhelm is just Taken over me this week. You guys, we have exactly one month until our daughter's due date.

And it's just such a unique experience because I think obviously if I was the one pregnant, I would just be focused on growing that baby and all the, the aches and movements and just everything that goes along with pregnancy would be my focus, but because I am not carrying the pregnancy, I just feel like. 

An overwhelming to do list is just hanging over my head at all times. Granted, we have all of the basics for baby. This is just all stuff that I would just love to get done before she's here. You know, getting ahead with work, prepping meals, washing all of the clothes, getting all the gear organized and I just I'm making it a lot more than it probably is.

But in my mind, it's all I can do right now to prepare to add another little one to our family. So that's just where I'm at right now. I am just my husband and I both were spread thin and we're doing all the things knowing that in a few short weeks. Our lives will change for the better,  but it will be different. And I just, I can't even believe it's here. We are 36 weeks along and our surrogate's doing great. Baby's doing great. And I just, I'm speechless that it is coming up so quickly, 

But before we get into my interview for today, I wanted to share a little something with you. This morning I was listening to Amy Porterfield's podcast, which if you haven't ever listened to it and you are in a space where you are running a business, creating content, you're an entrepreneur, a mompreneur, whatever it is, check out online marketing made easy. Not only does she drop tidbits of the most helpful information I've probably ever heard, every single week, but it's not all related to marketing.

She is open about talking about her marriage and the life that she's living and her past experiences and her career. And it is just so inspiring. And today's shorty episode that I listened to of hers just really hit home for me.

And it was called learn to love what it takes to get what you want. And she talks about why embracing the uncomfortable moments will always get you closer to what you want. Now, my initial thought when I listened to this episode was on business was on the podcast was on what I want to accomplish in the future professionally.

But. As I've been contemplating this episode and really letting it sink in throughout the day, I've really discovered that it actually applies to so many aspects of your life.

 I thought of when I had to  embrace the uncomfortable moments of infertility, whether that was doing IVF treatments, not having answers, having procedures, knowing that it was getting me one step closer to what I want and then even when all of that failed me and my body was no longer able to carry a pregnancy.

I had to get uncomfortable, right? I had to get uncomfortable with new ideas and new ways of thinking for growing my family.  But it's in those moments that you get closer to what you want. And so I just wanted to throw that out there and to think about it. And I encourage you to check out her podcast,  online marketing made easy.

This episode was number 660. So you can look it up, but,  It was a great lesson and it applies to all aspects of life also in like,  those first newborn months or the toddler years when things just seem so overwhelming and you're having to switch things around and it's uncomfortable, right?

It's uncomfortable. You're doing something you've never done.  probably not in like a calm season of your life. I think about that when I started the podcast as well. You know, I was up late nights. I was teaching myself how to work all these programs and edit the right way and get the right recording equipment and just all these things.

It was, it was a bit of a hustle. At first, and it was uncomfortable because I didn't know what I was doing and I was putting myself out there. But I can honestly say that with every passing month, I kept getting closer and closer to what I want. And I'm still going after that. I mean, I am loving this podcast and everything it has brought into my life, the relationships, the connections, the knowledge, the opportunities, and I can't wait to see where it goes next.

So give that this is not an ad I just had to share it with you guys give that podcast a listen and specifically this episode and you'll learn why you need to shift your mindset about all the hard work that you've been doing. 

And she gives tips for prioritizing your focus and passion so you can drive in the pursuit of your goals, whether that's personal or professional. So yeah, listen in and embrace the discomfort because trust me, that's where all the magic happens.

Okay, so today's episode I am sharing with you an interview. I did a couple months back with Erin. Erin grew up in New Jersey, and after college, she began her career in advertising and publishing while living in New York City for five years. Ready for a new experience, Erin and her husband moved to Chicagoland, and when their first child arrived in November of 2022, A whole new world of love, laughter, and of course, challenges opened up, but through those experiences, Aaron felt both a spark of joy and a real sense of community when speaking to other new moms, navigating motherhood, sharing tips and offering support.

I met Erin through a local mom group, and in this episode, she shares her story to becoming a mom. We talk about postpartum support, birth trauma, and then really just trusting your gut as a mom when there are so many different things thrown at you. Take a listen.  

Hey, Erin, thanks for joining me on the podcast today. 

I'm so excited.  This is going to be a great conversation. I'm looking forward to it. 

I know me too. And, it's so funny how not funny. It's just awesome. How we met. We've connected through shout out to fit for mom  that's how we met. Big shout out. When I think of  motherhood, I'm like, thank goodness. I found that community,  a few years ago because it has been a godsend.  

Also too, do you feel like. I wish everyone had a fit for mom chapter like fit for mom as an organization as a whole because I wish that it can just keep expanding and that every state has one. If you are in the Illinois area, look up to see if you have a fit for mom because everyone should have a village. And if you're looking to start a business, maybe you should start a fit for mom because it's so cool. It gets me so excited. 

Fame. I feel like preachy about it sometimes. Cause I'm like, no, but like, have you heard of fit for mom fit or mom fit?

Yeah, I have people asking me all the time. I'm like, they're like, oh, where did you, that is the biggest book club I've ever seen. Or what does that cool workout event you're doing? I'm like, you're not going to want to hear it again, but it's all fit for mom. 

Especially like  we aren't from around here originally  East coast. So finding that community.  It was just like God sent because that's how we were able to kind of branch out. We have no family and knew no one when we moved out here. So it's like a perfect opportunity  to meet like minded women. 

Yeah. That's amazing. That's awesome. Um, I'm actually from the area, but Moved out and came back and like doing adulthood where I grew up was weird because I'm like everyone's kind of moved and dispersed my friends have changed over the years and so I kind of assumed it would be easy to meet other moms, but then like the pandemic hit and everything and I was like, oh, I need to get out and that was in 2020 when I came across I don't even know how I came probably Facebook for mom, but But yeah, I'm happy to connect here today and to hear your story and your journey to motherhood. Tell me about finding out you're pregnant and, your pregnancy and we'll just start there.  

Just to start, I'm just, A very passionate, regular mom. I'm just  excited to  share my story. I think growing up, I was always babysitting and I actually have a younger brother who was born when I was in eighth grade.

So I just always had a motherly instinct. I was fascinated with babies and babysitting. So my journey to just knowing at an early age that I was. Going to be so excited when it was my time to become a mom, I think was just that initial drive already to be so drawn to the subject of motherhood and parenting.

And then since going through it, it's just like skyrocketed. When my husband and I got pregnant in March of 2022. I just dove right in. I was so excited. And I think the excitement of getting pregnant, you just want to like consume all the information, read all the books, take all the classes.  And also to you, you're just, your head is spinning.

Cause there's also just a lot of information out there. A lot of different types of things you're obsessing about the registry and going down that rabbit hole products and that in itself of like the stuff, the stuff, the stuff, 

so much stuff.  

And sometimes this stuff can be a distraction too. I actually feel like maybe looking back the next time around, I wish I didn't focus so much on the stuff and more on  the resources and the topics of actual parenthood. I think it's easy to focus on the stuff because it's totally more tangible. 

Yeah, well, and it's like you don't know what you don't know. It's obvious that you're like, okay, I need a crib and I need a stroller. So, like, you dive deep into all the reviews and finding the best stuff. But. Yeah, the things you don't realize that you might need are the community, the support, all of that, because I feel like people don't prep you for that enough when you're pregnant, especially with your first,

 they say, as we mentioned with fit for mom, it takes a village. And I think nowadays  with technology and more, more resources that are starting to become available for someone like us, you don't have family out here, like paying for your village. Yeah. Okay. With that. Whether that be like food services, or if you have friends, you want to help like a meal train or being okay with putting on your registry. If you like want a doula or a lactate consultant or budgeting aside for, if you think you're going to be like pelvic floor,  all these things that like not being ashamed for asking for help of  the resources and not like, Oh, you're going to have a baby shower and you want someone to bring a pretty president, of course it's great. And people are so generous. But I, I think it's kind of started with wedding registries when you can do like the honeymoon fund and whoever came up with the idea was like, 

Oh, true. Yeah. 

But I think I'm starting to see that more with like baby stuff. And  I would love for that to kind of just like keep growing of people being okay to ask for  those resources that are just as important as the stuff.

Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up. I'm like out of the loop, I feel like, with baby registries, and it's dawned on me in the last couple months as I'm like thinking about newborn stuff again, and obviously my needs this time are a little bit different, but even like talking to my sister in laws who have, you know, infants and a one year old, I'm like, what, what is this gadget you have here?

What is this? And like, what are you doing for child care? And like, what is, and seeing the registries and being more open with those things and that you actually, things you actually need. I mean, Obviously, there's bottles and tangible items that you need, but it's like where you need the most help is the things you mentioned and not being afraid to ask for that is awesome. I hope that is the trend because that is so cool. And that was not the case six years ago when I was making my first registry, it was not that way at all. 

Yeah. Let's keep, let's keep it going. That's, that's my hope from observation and looking back at going through my experience. And now reflecting back, I'm like, these are all the things I wish I knew.

Yeah. Uh, there's always something, I swear, even  as you have  multiple children, there's always something you take from the next journey and you look back and you're like, man, wish I had that information with the first or wish I knew that with the second. And I'm sure even the third time, it's going to be like, in hindsight, I'm gonna be like, well, didn't, didn't know what I was doing with that. Like, it's just, everything's. It's relative a lot of the time. 

And it's also to your beliefs of parenthood of what you think you're going to go into it with. 

Yes. 

You might go this way, picking a random example, like sleeping and when you're pregnant, Oh, this, this trendy sleep class, I got to take this sleep class. And then you're in it and you're like, I learned ABC. No, actually you got to do X, Y, Z. No, you actually don't like that. You don't feel comfortable with that. Yeah. You'd rather do that. You thought that you would like this. Nope, it's actually like this. So 

there's something to be said about like, even before your baby is born, just trusting your own intuition and your own gut because it will never steer you wrong. And yeah, I did feel the same way. There was like all these things I thought I should have and should do. And I tried to absorb as much information as I could. And then I felt like I was in the situation. And even in situations I didn't know I'd be in. And then everything just kind of went out the window. I was like, that was a cute guide. That was cute. Like fun to prep. 

If you want to be prepared, you don't want to not be prepared, but then you have to be prepared for the. Unexpected and for something totally different and being like open minded and being nimble for the change. 

Yeah Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So, okay. You're so excited for diving all in. I was the same way It's like hard to like reel it in when you have just thought about motherhood for so long and it's finally happening to you  how was your pregnancy overall? 

So at the beginning overall pretty pretty normal  we did have like one point of confusion with It  And I think that in my gut, around 20 weeks, I wanted to change OBs because we just weren't getting along with our medical provider.

And I think I just would love like moms to just understand that like, it's never too late to switch. And that really should be on the same page as your medical provider with like your values and your beliefs and whatnot. And something just felt like really off. And I'm so glad I thought it was too late to switch. And at 20. 

Yeah.  

I'm so glad we did and it didn't feel like it was too late and the best decision ever because  I'm obsessed now what like we have and that is a make or break of the experience as well 

Yeah, that is such good advice for, especially moms who have been pregnant for the first time. I wasn't in that situation when I was pregnant, but I definitely wouldn't have known that that I would have probably been too stressed out to even been like, well, this isn't great, but I don't, we're already halfway through. I would be nervous to do that.  But it's important to trust your provider. I mean, they're helping you bring your baby into this world. You have to feel comfortable and confident in your relationship with them. So good for you for making that decision. That leap, and for anyone listening, knowing that that's okay, and trust your gut, for sure. 

I think we're getting into a time now where, we're being more empowered to ask questions and it's much like, trust me, some of my best friends are in the medical community, love people in the medical community, but being okay to, like, raise your hand and question and just ask questions and just advocate for yourself, educate yourself and have a two way conversation it's not just like, One way or the highway, you know, so yeah.

Yeah. So important. I learned that I guess kind of the hard way over the years with like many different doctors and specialists and you kind of just, yeah, I grew up just thinking like, all right, well, the doctor said it, this is what it is and I just have to roll with it. This is how it is. And it wasn't until like, Becoming a mom and you know, even after infertility and  managing my son when he was a preemie It was like I just had to go with my gut.

I mean, I remember asking for different nurses and You know really pushing the envelope a little bit when certain things were told to me and just you know, You are allowed to ask questions. I'm so glad you said that because yeah, I did not always Know that or feel that way or feel like you could 

we know our baby in our body the most for sure  I lean more on like i'm also very passionate about like nutrition and all natural and healthy living So I think that  translated into  motherhood and pregnancy and birth of that approach of really wanting to like Get to the root of certain situations and, really  find out more.

I personally got to work  with like a birthing doula. And I think people should know that working with the doula does not mean you're having an all natural birth at home.  You can have an epidural, you can have a hospital birth, you can still have a doula. And they're just like a birthing coach to just be on your team and be your advocate.

And And make it just a positive experience. I weirdly was like excited for birth. I actually was like  fearful of like the epidural then birth itself.  I was such a geek. It just, I don't know, it's just something I was like weirdly excited for. My doula was amazing and she offers a class,  that is like a really good book too, that I'd recommend for people of all different birth plans and birth.

Positionings, and it's called hypnobirthing. And when I say that, I know the name sounds very hippie dippy and kind of like, okay, hypnobirthing, like, I promise it is, I wish it wasn't actually called that because it kind of deters people, but  it's a beautiful like philosophy and techniques just for women to just not be so fearful of birth and to change the perception.

And there's some history about like just the history of birth in the medical system. And I mean, how much do you hear of like our friends and people in our circles? Like, I don't want to know, like, just, I just want to get through it. 

Oh my gosh. Yeah. 

I'm just going to like black it all out. Like drug me up, like whatever. And that like instantly you're going into birth with a fear response,  that anxiety. And like from this class and from that book, like that actually will transcribe into your body and you'll have like, Thinking about it now, it actually makes sense. Like, yeah, it sounds common sense, but it like, it's just was really enlightening to learn about this, of just changing that perception and embracing birth can be positive and beautiful and not just fear, pain,

society has kind of, yeah, I'd say more often than that, like you said in your mom circles and mom friends or whatever, and you're hearing everybody talk about they're like, Oh my God, like I couldn't wait to get the epidural and just like get through it and  my story is like wildly.

Different and all over the place, but I remember, you know, the fear of the unknown is always something of mine. Like, I like to have control over everything. I'm very type A, so I just had,  anxiety over the fact of, like, not knowing what it was going to be like.  But I definitely didn't have anyone in my life at that time, like, being pregnant for the first time.

Even telling me what a doula was. I definitely had this perception of like, Oh my gosh, I'm not doing anything like out of the or I'm not like doing a home birth or anything like crazy. And that's just because I had, that was just like the perception I had of what it was, cause I knew nothing. And I don't think that's something that is like education that's brought to the forefront. You have to like seek it out. If you even remotely know about it. I mean, I've learned a lot over the years, but that was not on my radar. Six, seven years ago for sure 

because how many times when you go to your your OB and you have like a thousand weird questions and you feel like you're bugging them all the time calling them and as great as they can be, you just hear like, it's normal, it's normal, or you only get to see them once a month.

This is also like your 24 seven one on one, like who's just so connected with you. So if you're someone like us who wants to have more control over the situation, it's just kind of makes it more like nuanced to  your body and your experience and what you're going through. So big fan. 

That's, that's so cool. And then it's like, not about, I would assume then with, you know, with somebody to support you in that way,  the anxiety is not building. You're able to talk it out and like, bring up your concerns or your questions whenever you want. Looking back, I would have. Absolutely love that for my birth with  my youngest son, Noah, because  that was my only full term pregnancy and I had so many worries along the way and like questions about what to expect. And again, I didn't want to like, I was always afraid to call my doctor because I'm like, it's not serious.

Like, don't they're like afraid of me. I'm like, I think I'm okay. Like, um, but just so you know, I have this right. And I mean, they did tell me my OB is great and I'm obsessed with my OB and they're always like, when in doubt, come on in. More so felt like they were just  humoring me  to stay calm, not necessarily like educating me on anything. So, love the idea of a dual  

I think it translates with OBs and pediatricians, unfortunately we put like way too much weight that they're supposed to like teach us and be like the educator of everything when that's like kind of not really their forte. Yeah. So, come to terms with that. Yeah, that's true.

Like, you run to your pediatrician for every little thing, they're like, They're not like a parenting coach. Like, yeah, you feel like they're like the all knowing thing. But 

I know over the years, I've definitely by a fault, like expected 90 percent of my providers to just be like therapists as well. And I'm like, Oh, yeah. Also, what should I do about my life? Like, you know, it's, and you got to reel it in. Like everyone has their lane and that's. That's actually not their job. So you had a great experience and you switched OBs and, had a doula and had a great experience. 

I did like my classes with her. She offered like the breastfeeding class, she offered the birthing class, like the baby care class. I think, if your hospital doesn't offer classes or if they do,  I've gotten some interesting feedback from friends. Like sometimes the hospital classes aren't like the best with up to date information.

There's so many great resources online for online classes. So just like, don't be afraid to just like do your research and look for some online courses too, to really take it to the next level of like the one on one information. Like I retook one of my classes that like, I wasn't, you know, I like, it was okay, but like, I really wanted to get deeper on the subject to feel prepared. Oh, like big fan of, online classes or if you have like local providers that you're working with, can offer. So definitely look into that. 

That's good advice. And what was the name of the book again? I want to be sure to share it. 

It's just hypnobirthing. 

Hypnobirthing, okay. 

Yeah, whoever came up with the technique of it, like the main hypnobirthing book, you can find that.

Okay. Okay, cool. Nice. That's helpful. I'm sure that a lot of people would be interested to take a look at that. Okay. So pregnancy and then what did your birth story look like? 

Yeah. So again, because of course now you hear The stage has been set, you know, I was so excited for birth, I had my doula, I had a, I'm going to put in quotes for the people listening, I had my birth plan.

Yeah.  

Birth plans are great, but. Looking back, they should be used directionally. 

Yeah. 

Know that now.   So going up into birth, I was just so excited , I wanted, low intervention. I wanted a birth as much  at home as possible and have a beautiful experience thinking of all the different scenarios. 

Yeah. No, the complete opposite happened.  It was, it was the, he wasn't technically a preemie. It was like right after the line, I think like 37 three, I forget the term they called it, but he wasn't like fully a preemie, but a couple of weeks early. all of the month  leading up until he was born. Um, so I don't get too graphic. I just kept thinking that I was either my water was breaking or I was using amniotic fluid. So graphic things were happening all the time. And I actually had to go to the hospital like a couple of times to get checked out, which is not fun thinking that,  you know, it could have been a premature situation kept getting like, everything's normal, normal, normal, normal,  nothing really like tied to anything specific. Just everything was normal, 

but they wanted me to keep being proactive. And if that kept happening, unfortunately I kept having to get it looked at. So when you're dealing with that, it's kind of hard to know the difference of when your water is actually going to break. 

Yeah.

So,  the day before Thanksgiving on a Wednesday, when I went to my OB for an appointment, and that had happened again that day, they checked me, and I was confirmed that I wasn't dilated yet, and  my water did not break.

So, okay, they checked me, they did actually, they brought me over for an ultrasound, just again to make sure that the fluids don't look like they were, like, leaking, and that he looked like he still had enough fluid around him. The next day on Thanksgiving, I was feeling really like just sick and just really out of it. We wound up like canceling  our plans or like last date night before baby. 

Oh man. Yeah. 

Usually go out to dinner and then like stop at a friend's house and something just was feeling really off. I was having like low fetal movement, headaches, a little like fevery, but not like actually a fever. And I just wanted to rest all day.

And I was just like, I just got to sleep it off. Everything should be fine. But in the back of my head, I'm like something, something's off, but we'll stay close to it. Because again, I've been going to the hospital so many times. I was just like, One more trip. I mean, 

right. 

It's hard. 

I hate that feeling of like weighing the options of like, I don't know, like if something feels off, but also I was just there. I have been in that scenario too, where you're like, I've gone in and I've gone home and I've gone in. And I'm like, Oh, it's so hard because it's like, you want to trust your gut. But at the same time, it's like, you don't want to go in again. And just to feel just to be sent home when you know that you're already feeling not great. So 

it stinks that being proactive in third with some of those things means going to the hospital. It's like, well, yeah. I get it, that's what has to happen, but at the same time it's like, oh, is there a middle ground here? 

Right. 

So, unfortunately, Thanksgiving came and went and in the middle of the night, it had been close to like all day of really not feeling him when he was very active. And I always can feel his kicks and we're like, okay, we're going in. Um, let's do this. And when I got checked, you know, even calling my doula, she's like, you guys will probably be sent home again. You'll be fine.  Just go get monitored and you guys will probably be sent home. Like she wasn't even coming to the hospital yet at this point.

Yeah. 

When we get there, they monitor me and they're like, your water did break. We don't know when it's broken. And you're like maybe one centimeter and going into the hospital, I have not yet had a single contraction. Didn't have Braxton Hicks, didn't have any contractions. And I just thought, okay, well, they're going to monitor me. My water's broke. Like we're having a baby. Let's just get  going. Like I'm in still an optimistic, positive mindset. 

Well, yeah. And also like being the first time that you're pregnant and having a baby, it's like, I feel like sometimes too, I'm not saying you're a doctor to this, but I, in my experience, I feel like sometimes when you're pregnant for the first time, they just like assume that you're like, Oh, you don't, you don't know what you're feeling like you're fine. Go home. And it's like, no, but I'm really think something's off. And I would have been the same way, blissfully ignorant until proven otherwise and just positive for what's next. For sure 

I wanted to just like take my time. They were like, do you want to try like pitocin induction soon? And I'm like, Oh, let's like, wait a little bit. It's a little early. Like, let's see what my body can do first. So we're just  killing a couple hours, like  times. 

Yeah. 

And then they came in and they say, we're monitoring baby really closely. Everything of his vitals is still great. It's just, he's still low fetal movement.

Like he still wasn't like perking up as much. They can just tell, I think they, I felt like I wasn't getting the full story at the time, but like, I think they knew more than I did of like something maybe was still off. They just didn't know yet. And they wanted to keep just monitoring me. So after a couple hours of monitoring, still no contractions to this day, I've never experienced  how your story ends.

So they gave me an IV of sugar water to try and perk baby up. And just like, we just got to wake baby up. Like we just got to make sure that he is, is all good. So  we're waiting. And then they do a bunch more tests. And my OB does come in and I think she had a tough sit down with us and to kind of like knock it into like the heavy medical stuff of it just to like spark notes version.

She pretty much said, I think baby is not going to handle birth well, I think he's like shutting down and sensing that something is wrong and sensing fear that there's something off. There's not anything wrong yet, but I don't think he'd be up for going through labor. And I recommend us going right to a c section now to get ahead of complications that most likely would happen.

Wow. Whoa, curveball. Holy cow. Um, whoa.

Never in my mind did I manifest the possibility of a c section, too, in my, like, lot of birth hopes. 

Yeah. 

So,  the timestamps I took of, like, my last pregnant selfie to me on the table of the conversation in the between and making that decision and going right into it, It's like crazy when you see the time stamp. It was like very close together. They're like, okay, get her in, let's go. 

Yeah, once they make that decision, that's crazy.  Doesn't sound like it was much of  a decision. It was like, this is what we suggest.  Yeah. Okay.

Flash forward to a spoiler alert of what actually happened is that I think because we didn't know when my water broke, my, my placenta was affected.

Okay. 

And they didn't test this until later. 

Right. 

And fine from pathology would like taking a sample, but. I think just that like 24 hour period of your water breaking and to labor and potential infection. I think infection was traveling up. And if we didn't go into C section, it could have been bad.

So thank God I didn't take myself out of it. Like screw my birth plan. Like I could have been stubborn. Like, no, let's just wait still. Like, thank God. I was just like, sure. Like baby's the priority. Let's get them out. This isn't about me anymore, obviously. It's all like, he's calling the shots forever, forever on out.

And the C section did go smoothly. And we weirdly were like out of all the experience, I like actually had. I was in la la land on the c section situation and trying to get make the most positive experiences I could at the time and he was safely delivered so well initially so oh 

wow what a crazy story and I'm just thinking of all the roller coasters of emotions you experienced in  Those two days and then like those couple hours and everything  at what point did you feel a switch  of okay? Like this is the plan  i'm positive, you know like let's get the contractions going  what was the switch from like that to like Okay, we need to need baby here safely. We're just gonna, that's, nothing else matters. 

It felt like such uncharted territory. 

Yeah.

Because of, I was so obsessed with getting all the information, knowing every step of the way, and any potential intervention that we could have had, that it just like, I felt so helpless and just out of control, but I did trust  my provider so well, and have such a good connection with her that I just put  my blind faith in her hands just had to just let go. And sometimes you, you do, and thank God it all worked out.  beautiful entrance into this world. And, and yeah, 

yeah. Oh my goodness. Well, of course I knew it was a happy ending, but I was not prepared for the turn of events. That is crazy. Obviously you weren't either,  but also another good,  point  that, I just was thinking about how halfway through your pregnancy changed.

Providers and switch your OB and, and you clearly had trust in your doctor. And thank goodness. Cause that's just one example of like, why you shouldn't be afraid to change because you have all the plans in the world. And at the end of the day, what's going to happen is going to happen. And so you really need to have someone that's in your corner and has your best interest and baby's best interest. And you know, someone that you feel comfortable with, because again, you had no idea that that was going to be your scenario, but thank goodness. You were with a doctor that you had full trust in. 

Totally. Totally. Yeah. 

Oh my goodness. Wow. Okay. So. 

He's here. 

He's here. He's here. And how old is he now for listeners?

He now is about to be 14 months. It's crazy. 

Yeah. I was like trying to, I was like, I knew he was one in November. What's the math on that? Oh my goodness. And he's healthy and all the things. 

Oh yeah. No, he was great. He, you know,  going back to  his birth, that also kind of sets the tone at the beginning of your parenthood experience.

Yeah. 

Because to go back to that situation, he wound up having like a little fluid in his lungs. So he did have to have his hospital stay in the NICU, which I hear now that for C section moms, unfortunately, fluid in the lungs is very normal. So I think looking back at my initial postpartum shock to it all, like hearing that from professionals is like, I tried to normalize it in my mind of,  that's what I was being told.

They're like, oh yeah, this is very, very typical for single parent moms. 

Yep, standard, yeah.

Yeah. I'm not sure if you went through that, of like, the different phases of how you were processing the experience. Because I felt like, well, first off, let me take a step back. This is actually the first time I'm sharing publicly that he was in the NICU because of that first stage of shame and denial.

Yeah. Yeah. And embarrassment. I announced to all my  close friends and family that Johnny was born and we like left out that he was in the NICU. And I was even almost embarrassed to say that we had a C section and looking back, that's just like so sad that we had that embarrassment and that guilt and that shame around it.

And with him like being in the NICU, We just didn't want people to think there was something wrong with him or making  less of anything. So I know that you probably can relate to that too, but that was a really hard situation. 

Yeah, I definitely can relate to that.  The first time I remember feeling that way was, yeah, when my son in the NICU, not only was no one was prepared for us to announce that he was even born, because he was born so early at 24 weeks,  but then,  the NICU and everything that was going on, I remember. Like you said, you're processing it and, or not processing it, like, I swear it was years later. 

Yeah, you're going through the motions, you don't have time to process.

Exactly, you're going through the motions, and you're like, well, what just happened? Okay, now you're jumping, like, plans change, here we are. Trying to like manage your current situation.  But as the years have gone on, um, it's, it's taken a while to really process everything because  I think back, it was like silly things that I was hung up on.

I can say silly now, but they felt so heavy in the moment.  Like announcing that he was even born. I mean, obviously like my parents, anyone who needed to be there for us in the immediate knew, but I was so scared to like tell everyone because not only did I really not know at that point how everything was going to turn out, but, there was like guilt and shame.

There was shamed was the biggest thing I felt. I was like, I failed him like this is not how it was supposed to happen. This is too soon. And then the little things that stick out in my mind. I remember like, when I finally came to terms of like, okay, I  I'm proud that he's here and I love him and I need everyone to know that he's here and that he was born early and I remember my best friend came to visit in the NICU and she was helping me like with the letter board like put his name and stuff and I was like he was still in an isolate with you know all the wires and things and she was just like helping me figure that out because it was such a big deal to me I was like stressed I was like  I need to get a picture of him like I imagined you know with the board and like that first photo I'm like this is it And he was already, I think, I don't know, nine days old at that point because I was just like a robot going through the motions in the NICU, 

it's so much taken away from us.

Yes. 

Again, in air quotes, of a normal experience and that, that in itself is just so hard to grasp getting that taken away. Cause remind me with your first son in the NICU, did you have to have a C section that earlier? 

I did not have a C section with him. He was just like, I was on bedrest for eight days leading up to his delivery and my cervix was an issue starting at like 17 weeks in the pregnancy. So at 23 weeks, I didn't know my cervix was dilated. I went in for a regular. Routine OB appointment.   I had like a rescue CERClage placed at 17 weeks,  with MFM. And she's like, you know, since you have the CERClage, it's not typical, but I do want to do a cervical exam just to make sure everything is doing what it's supposed to.

And at that point I was two centimeters dilated at 23 weeks. And yeah, she was like, You're going to be in the hospital until you have this baby. And kind of like you, I was just still honestly optimistic at that point. I was like,  wow, okay, this is a lot. Like, I'm nowhere near my due date, but I can buckle up for a hospital stay.

Like, I can do this. I was like, anything to get him here safely. And even as I was laying like flat on bedrest, I still like was so posi like, I just say ignorantly positive only because it was like, I think there's some poor level of like survival mode in that positivity and 

all we had at the time, too,  there's a trickle effect. So if we're thinking positively, we wanted to manifest positively. 

Yeah. And I don't even know if I had the knowledge of all of that at that point. Like, that's so true. But I was just like, I don't know any other way to be right now. So that's just we're just gonna hope for the best. And yeah, so everything, everything one right after another was just like a surprise, but you do you mourn the loss of it.  Like, you feel robbed of an experience that you had hoped and wished for. 

I felt like I didn't go through birth, you know what I mean? Like, that in itself, like, is, can even birth and labor, you know,  all of that, so. 

Yeah, especially with your first. That's a lot to take in when that's just not what you imagined and it happened so quickly, for sure. So, I can definitely relate to how that sets the tone for now you bring baby home and it's  your first, You know, jump into parenthood and it's kind of clouded by  all this Uncertainty and like having to pivot and and all these things  How are you feeling in those first few months postpartum given? Just the surprise of your delivery and everything

 Well, first off you hit it the nail on the head the tone of everything being so much more anxious because of what the baby went through and just feeling like they are just like a little bit more this delicate little glass of Mm hmm Wanting to protect it way more and thinking everything's a little more of a fragile situation.

It just, that tone of just, it just puts so much more pressure. So  when we came home, honestly, we tried to be so tough looking back again, because all of our family was back East and he was born early. It was just the two of us because. We told our families not to come yet, which I know we told them we needed them.

They would have came early, but we tried to be so tough because we wanted to make it seem like, yeah, everything's normal. He's good. He's fine. We got this. But  people don't talk about even just C section like recovery for the mom. Yeah. It's tough enough. Like, yeah. I've delayed and I had a way rougher recovery because I overdid it and because I pushed myself.

I should have been on bed rest, but my son was in the NICU and I was like on my, and this wonders, like, why are you standing? You know, but I didn't realize at first that I had to wait for someone to like wheel me down there. So I'm like trying to walk. It's, it's great. It's how can you bed rest. When  having to bring this baby home and take care of it, 

it's just like not natural. It's like, all you want to do is  do what you were made to do is like, take care of your baby. And it's like instinct. And it's like the  first example of like, how like a mom's needs fall to the wayside.  Through motherhood, we learned to get better at that. You know, you have to, take care of yourself first in order to take care of everybody else, but right out the gate with your first baby.   Like, you said,  you feel like they're in a more fragile state  given everything you've been through. I was the exact same way. With my C section with Noah, and then I had Hunter at home and I was like, well, this is cute that you think I'm going to rest, but like, I have him to take care of and I have the other one. And, you know, I'm, I'm fine. It's fine. But There is a lot to be said about the recovery of a C section , I mean, it's a major surgery, like, yeah. 

Major. And I would not rest. I couldn't. And I, like, it wasn't in me. I, I, like, had to help and, and do because that we had to do it. Yeah. And that part in itself is just so hard to tell your mind to slow down when it's very contradicting too because you're a brand new parent and they, this little newborn has so many needs. Thankfully, because we had, my birthing doula, who we obviously didn't really use for birthing. 

Yeah. Yeah. 

An angel in itself to like switch your services to like a slight postpartum, help. So she was able to like come over and like just help ease our minds with some things. 

So great. 

It was beautiful. There's postpartum doulas, if you don't know.

Amazing. Yeah. I never knew that. 

Yeah. Just in the recovery.  Now I hear there's like night nurses and postpartum doulas and all of these services  that can help the mom recover or just help focus on the baby. Or, you know, maybe if you have other kids, you can get like a nanny to help with the other kids, like all these things that moms need more of this initial postpartum support.

Yeah. And I think it's like kind of flipping the script  like, for me, it felt like, I got this, like, this is what I wanted, I finally got, you know, babies at home, like, I can do it, like, it's, it's getting rid of the idea that, like, you're not failing by asking for help, especially postpartum,  you've been through a lot, and you've literally brought a human into this world, help is not a sign of weakness, it's It's a necessity.

Yeah.  I turned into the opposite because I am like a hands on person. I got this, but at the same time, no opposite. Give me all the help. Give me all the experts. Give me all the people. Let me get my team of all the resources. You'll hear I've worked with so many professionals and I have no shame in asking for help. 

Yes, it's, it's a good feeling when you can, like, switch your brain to thinking that way for sure, and, a lot of times it happens just, like, out of, like, for me, it's been out of necessity. Anytime I've reached out for, whether it's been a nanny or,  all throughout my pregnancies, I didn't have any of this kind of help, and it was literally just a lack of education, so I'm so glad we're talking about it today for anybody listening,  but  it's always been when I've been, like, pushed to a breaking point that I actually reach out for help, and it shouldn't be that way. You don't have to have, Full blown mental breakdown to need help. It's just it's normal and it's important.  So yeah. 

And even just let me just also say, I know that not everyone has the resources  for paying for professionals, but also let's maybe think and flip the script on that  if you are fortunate enough to have your friends and family take advantage of them.

And I've learned from like tips online, like delegate, like everyone wants to help. Think of all the times when you have a baby, like, can I come over or what can I do? What can I do? What can I do? Have a little bit of confidence to take that if they want to help and they're offering help, then give them some real help having like, yeah, can you come over and help do my laundry or can you help set up a meal train and all these people who want to come over?

Would you love to participate in a meal train?  Let's put like some of the stigma way of that, of if your family and friends and you have such a great circle around, you know, tap into that because they do care. So how can you actually. Delegate what you really need and like asking for that help.

Yeah, for sure. I'm glad you brought that up. It's not just, you know, different professionals that you can hire tap into your circle, your community, your friends, your family. I was kind of pushed into that too.  I mean, Hunter was in the NICU for four months and there's no possible way we could have done it alone.

I mean, we had, A bunch of our college friends like band together and  had gift cards for us and, people don't always know how to help, but they want to. So while it feels weird to delegate at first, or it might feel awkward, I know as someone being on the other side, like trying to help somebody else, like, I would rather someone tell me, like, what do you need? And I can do it for you because everyone's always like, Oh, how can I help? How can I help? And, If you just take the time to really,  yeah, get the confidence to just throw it out there, then you will get the help that you need. 

There's such a lack in postpartum support in general in this country. Let's just take a moment for that. Like, 

yes,

moms deserve more.  I am a big fan of like Facebook groups and mom support groups. . All the different mom Facebook groups that you can join. Yes. They're so easy. For sure. They're abroad. Love them all. I like audit and just like take in all the stories. And there was one story recently that just stuck out to me that I just wanted to share  she was just had her baby a couple of days and she said, Why can I not feel like I can call my OB and then I'm just left hanging with all these physical things that's going on with me and my OB is not even calling me back and doesn't want to see me till six weeks.

You know, that really got me so much because there's such a lot, we see our OBs every single month in prenatal care is so messed up, but then just complete drop off in, in postpartum  care. When there could be mental health resources, even just the physical recovery, pelvic floor is like a huge thing too of  your stomach going back, but like that,  I forget what it's called.

I knew nothing about that until joining Fit for Mom and I was already like past that point of like, like I had already had like a three year old at home and I was like, what? I've never even heard these terms before. Like, it's alarming. Yeah.

It's just, we're just left to, sometimes it feels like we're left to fend for ourselves and  then there's like. But don't doctor Google and don't go down rabbit holes, but then you don't have the best information and resources. And you're, again, your pediatrician's not like telling you about your certain postpartum care. So I just want to put out in the universe. I just hope that there can just be some growth and improvement and the world for our country, I think of postpartum care. So let's, let's put that out there. 

Yes. Yes. A hundred percent. I feel the same way. I didn't even know the term like fourth trimester, like never heard about it, until like after the fact and I found a book and maybe it was just called the fourth trimester. I can't remember, but I remember buying it for my sister when she was pregnant because it was like, I knew nothing.

I need to help you. Like, just so you know, this is what's to come in the three months after you have a baby because no one's telling you. And  I think like the mental health side of it too is so, so important. And sure. At six weeks, I don't, I don't know about you. I don't think it's standard, but like build out a questionnaire about like depression or something.

But I remember thinking like, like  a, it's different for everyone. You know, if you've had a traumatic birth experience or a baby in the NICU, six weeks postpartum is going to look a lot different than for everybody, you know, in different ways, depending on your situation. And I remember reading the questionnaire being like, I mean, define depressed or like, yeah, 

and also like a little late, like,

uh, I still don't even know what's going on. I'm like coming out of a fog right now. So can you circle back in like six weeks? So, um, 

I think first of all, everyone should be in therapy. I'm a big, big pro therapy girl. Love my circus. Funny story with that is I told her going into right before we had Johnny that, Oh, let's just like table it for a little bit. Let's take a break because I'll probably be too busy. I probably won't meet you. 

I know you don't realize that.  

I'm so sorry. We need to like, Having that resource to Oh, yeah,  

I almost feel like it should be  a standard of care like therapy postpartum  just to get you through and have someone to talk to. I mean, it can feel so isolating and lonely. And in those months following birth, especially with your first and yeah, 100% 

out of body experience. I don't know. Did you kind of feel like that? Like looking back? 

A hundred percent. 

I had to force myself to even look at pictures and like, I feel like I wasn't even there. I feel like I wasn't able to. Enjoy the good for the first couple of months because he was such a pressure cooker of what I think I should be doing with him, which is a little bit of my type A of like, okay, when's his next feeding? When does he have to be put down? How long did he eat for? Like, like thinking that I had to be like tracking everything, unfortunately triggered some postpartum anxiety and postpartum mom fog is real. And I was just. So out of it and looking back, I'm like, what was I felt so not myself and so out of place. 

Yeah, I 100 percent felt the same way.  Honestly, in like every situation, you know, with Hunter, I was just a robot. I was like, it was my type a on steroids. And I think it was just like my coping mechanism to control all the things.

I mean, I wrote down, Every feeding, every poop, every pee. I mean, I was just like, um, a scheduled machine. Again, not, not taking it all in. I mean, I'm glad now, because he was in the NICU, there was only so much I could do for those first four months. So, like, when I was holding, I mean, I have so many videos and pictures and little moments, but in the hospital, and the only reason I have those is because there was, like, nothing else I could do but, like, hold him at that point.

But I think if I had brought him home, I would have just been All over the place. And when I did, I was, yeah, just very robotic. And so by this point 

Isn't it frustrating? To that point, it's like, there's all these trackers and you feel like you should be logging these things, but then unfortunately we get carried away and then we obsess.

Yeah. 

It was a very fine line. I remember our therapist was like, Well, do we think these apps are actually good for you? And I'm like, yeah. And then looking back, like, no.

 Well, and then it doesn't help. 

We don't, our, our memories kaput. I was worried that I wasn't going to remember things. 

Totally.  Like you said, with that out of body experience, I don't think I was like even remotely present until like, again, if he was in the hospital for four months, then three months later, you know, at home, granted, I'm that much further along postpartum, but like, Yeah.

First three months of having a baby home, like being a parent for the first time, everything just felt, I like, I blinked and he was one and I was like, oh my god, like, what have I done? And so then once Noah was born, I was like, okay, I really want to like, take this all in and be less like, Me, I guess, like,   I want my motherhood, instincts to kick in and not be so worried about, yeah, tracking and what I should do and shouldn't do.

And trusting our instincts a little more. Like, yeah. Enjoying, okay, like, contact nap and not, like, thinking about how long you need to sleep for or is wake windows, obsessing about wake windows. I'm like, yeah. I just, just let this baby be a baby. Yeah get that a hundred percent is a little too.  Everything has to be a thing.

Yes. 

That's another big takeaway from some of my learnings with all of this is going back to the basics and trusting our instinct of just like some things are just developed mentally normal. Yes. Oh my gosh. Some of these Facebook groups, again, going back to it that I'm seeing and seeing the same story over and over and over and over again that we go through And again, that a little bit of the back of my brain is my all natural side of, let's not like throw a medication or do something different or diagnose or it should be an issue.

When actually like, let's get back of like  the root cause of the why. And is it, and is it just normal and just a phase because let's say that like fussy colicky phase that some babies is something that we usually go through and people will jump to conclusions of, Oh, let's switch the formula. Oh, they have this. Oh,  let's give them reflux medicine. Like, let's do things to define something wrong. Let's have the mom cut out dairy. Like, there's just all these extremes of just like, I, again, non medical depression. I'm like, from things I've read, this is normal. Unfortunately, we have to be more fussy around these certain weeks because their digestive systems are still developing. And they're just going to be more fussy and it's not a thing and it's not an issue. And oh my God, that is so hard for us to accept because everything has to be a thing. 

Yes. Yes. You're so right. And just the abundance of information at our fingertips is just overwhelming. And it, yeah, because we can go find like a quotes, like fix for something,  that's what we do. And it ends up being like, oh my gosh,  my child needs physical therapy and I need to change. Non dairy and then all of a sudden you have a laundry list and there's something be said that used to bother me like when my mom, you know, with  my first would be like, well,  when you were a baby, you know, we didn't do this or that or whatever. And I'm like, that was 30 years ago. I just kept being like, but we have more knowledge now. We have more knowledge. 

It might've been bliss for the boomers.

I'm not kidding. Like going into my third child. Now I am like, no, I'm taking it back to the basics. I like my only goal for this. Like newborn phase going into it again is just to be calm and just be in the moment and be present.

Growing some of that patience, which is probably so hard for us, pre parenthood, and then even harder parenthood is learning patience.  

Yes, yeah. Oh my gosh, absolutely. I think there's definitely something to be said. Like, less is more, back to the basics. I'm hoping  we can steer in that direction too. Postpartum support and back to the basics are like, We need to put that out in the universe for sure, for sure. 

Love it. Love it. Love it. 

I wanted to touch back on a little bit of like the postpartum anxiety. We're basically talking about it, but,  was that something that was on your radar? You know, we hear about postpartum depression, I feel like, but was that on your radar at all after you gave birth?

I think only from working with my therapist when I was going back to her and trying to process it. Sometimes you can't do it too soon. Sometimes you can't, like, really process it or come to terms with it when you're in it. It definitely came later on, because I was in a little denial of some things.

Yeah. You have to reflect back and take the time. And sometimes there was even, like, a little bit of,  a morning period to times of being like, wow, I really keep thinking about that time and how sad and crazy it was and giving them space. And there is some benefits to going back to that and just like being able to get it out and. Go through that so that you can heal. So yeah, just mainly for my therapist explaining that she thinks that that's what I'm going through. 

Yeah. I had never heard of  postpartum anxiety until I don't even know in the last few years, just the more mom friends I've met and talked with,  that just was never on my radar.

I've struggled with anxiety like since college,  and , have been on medication for it and I've learned all sorts of coping mechanisms over the years.  But I did not know that. It could be heightened or it can be introduced postpartum, and I definitely for sure experienced that. Didn't know it was common though, didn't know it was a thing because people aren't sharing this until you're in it and they're like, this could up.

Do not bottle it up. 

Yeah, for sure. We've covered so many topics and I love everything about this. Thank you so much for sharing your story and all of the bits and pieces that, you know, impacted you and motherhood so far.  I already know that this episode is so helpful for anyone listening. Is there one piece of advice that you would, give  I guess a piece of advice that you would pass along to a first time mom, whether they're pregnant right now, or maybe recently postpartum, What's something you would want to share? I know  we've hit on a lot of awesome things, but

just being open and vulnerable to putting your ego aside and feeling like if you, if you thought you had all the answers, you don't because I have a big reality check.  Thought during pregnancy, if anyone knew when I did my fit for baby, I thought I had all the answers.

Oh yeah. No, no, no. So just being humble in your experience of knowing that this is a learning trial and error, trial and error emphasis  And that  they are going to love you no matter what, and they are going to be okay, no matter what. And yes, of course, it's painful when they're crying and it hurts that you're, because you're so connected to this baby and you want to do everything perfect for them and you want to make every, then make sure that they're happy.

But the same time, life is just life and it's not always going to be perfect. And just going, yes, doing the best that you can and knowing that as long as they're safe and that they're healthy, everything else will fall into place.  

Absolutely. Very wise words. And I can say from having an almost six year old and a four year old that  it doesn't stop. They will continue to throw curveballs. Your plans will continue to change and,  your children are who they are. And  we just have to adapt to them. And like you said, as long as we're there for them and love them  they will get everything that they need. And so. Less is more. I think I love that takeaway too.  Well, thank you, Erin. This was so fun chatting. I appreciate your insight and for joining me on the show today. 

Thank you so much for having just regular mom like me. I just wanted to just be passionate about something. I love it. I just want to share that passion. So thank you so much.

I appreciate it. These are the conversations I love most because we need more moms speaking up about their experiences. So everyone, knows that you're not alone and these are all valid, real feelings. So I appreciate it. 

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