Miscarriage & Infant Loss Awareness: Words From a Bereaved Mother

Jacqueline was honored to be asked to speak at the 2023 Walk to Remember, so this week she's sharing her speech with you! This annual event for bereaved parents is hosted by Edward-Elmhurst Health's chapter of SHARE, a national support group for families who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal loss.

*Trigger Warning*
Miscarriage, premature delivery, and stillbirth are discussed.

In this episode you'll hear...

• The importance of community through grief and loss
• Jacqueline's experiences with miscarriage and stillbirth
• The story behind the birth of this podcast

Struggling to conceive? Grab this FREE Month-by-Month Roadmap to Your Fertility Success!

In the New Year, Jacqueline is launching a resource for women who feel stuck in their fertility. Stay tuned for details, but 2024 is sure to bring a confident and calm new you!

•  Connect with a SHARE group near you
•  Leave a review for the podcast
•  Join the Motherhood Intended Community
•  Follow @motherhood_intended on Instagram

Transcript

 Hey, it's Jacqueline. Welcome to a new episode of motherhood intended. I know there are listeners out there who are Johnny on the spot, listening to these new episodes. And I just want to say, I am so, so appreciative of you. I know every Thursday morning you look forward to the episode and I love that.

So I wanted to send a quick apology because the last couple of weeks I've been a little pre occupied. Episodes have not come out on Thursdays. They've come out on Fridays, Wednesdays. It's been a little bit of a hot mess over the last couple of weeks, but I'm still here and I have plenty of fresh content coming your way.

So the last few weeks, I've been working really hard to create a resource for women who are struggling to conceive. This is something that will be launching in the new years.

So stay tuned, but I am very, very excited about it. In this course, students will go from feeling anxious and stressed to confident and in control of their fertility. I am going to be kicking off 2024 with a special virtual party, more details on that to come. 

In the meantime, I have created a month by month roadmap to your fertility success. If you are at a point in your life where you have been struggling to conceive, maybe six months have passed, maybe a year has passed, maybe you just started dabbling in some fertility treatments, this is going to be the resource for you.

sometimes the birds and the bees just aren't enough and you find yourself. on a journey of infertility. Well, guess what? You don't have to walk this path alone. Be sure to grab this free roadmap so you have a step by step guide of how to take control of your fertility. We have less than three months left of 2023. And I don't know about you, but as the new year gets closer and closer, I am constantly thinking about my goals, dreams, and aspirations for the year to come. So this guide will be a great roadmap for you to kind of lay out your family plans for the year. and have some guidance on your trying to conceive journey.

Take it from me, you don't want to look back on a year of trying to get pregnant just to be filled with anxiety, stress, fear of the unknown, and it taking a toll on your mental and physical health.  Instead go into this journey to baby with a calm and confident mindset.

Know what steps lie ahead, know what your options are, and be conscious of  when it's time to pause. So click the link in the show notes for the free resource or send the link on to a friend who could benefit from it. Okay. So in last week's episode, I mentioned that I was going to have a repeat guest today. One of my favorite repeat guests. However. We have moved things around a bit and push that to next week. Last weekend, I had the honor of speaking at the annual Share Walk to Remember

event in my hometown. Every October, this special event takes place to raise funds that are vitally needed to support SHARE's mission of helping families who have experienced the loss of a child. SHARE is a national organization to serve those lives who are touched by the tragic death of a baby through pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or in the first few months of life.

Be sure to visit nationalshare. org and find a local SHARE organization near you.

If there isn't one, maybe consider starting one in your community. It has been an awesome resource for me since 2016 when we miscarried our twins and I don't think I would have gotten this far in my grief without the support of this community. All the donations that were raised at the walk I participated in benefit our local hospitals share program, help to fund support groups, counseling services, activities and events, education and bereavement training, resource and reference materials, special projects and program supplies, and tools to help guide families through grieving process.

This year, a portion of the funds raised will go towards building a bereavement room at our local hospital. It was such a great experience being able to present at this event with over a thousand people in attendance. So I wanted to share my speech with you. Take a listen.

This walk to remember is such a beautiful opportunity to find comfort, feel surrounded by others who understand our grief, and recognize our babies who have gone too soon. I am glad to be speaking with you here today and honored to walk for my daughters, Charlotte, Cecilia, and Marin. My name is Jacqueline Baird and my husband, Josh, and I know the loss of a baby all too well.

In 2016, after two years of trying to start our family and seeking out fertility treatments, we were over the moon to finally learn that we were expecting not one, but two baby girls. After a picture perfect first trimester filled with dreams of becoming parents and hopes for the beautiful lives I was carrying, weeks pregnant, I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance after what I would later learn was the spontaneous delivery of one of our twins. The couple weeks to follow were spent at home on bed rest as we prayed and prayed for the safety of the baby we still had with us. I wish I could tell you that in the midst of my hope, I acknowledged our loss and my grief, but staying positive and focused on the future was my survival mode at the time.

At 16 weeks pregnant, we then found ourselves living this nightmare again. I was admitted to the hospital with preterm labor and monitored for the day. Eventually, I was sent home since there wasn't anything of concern progressing at that time. It was then that I slowly started to realize that the fate of this pregnancy was out of my hands.

I was home for maybe eight or nine hours with what I now know were mild contractions, before abruptly waking up in the middle of the night as if my body was on autopilot. The rest was a blur. Before I knew it, paramedics had arrived and I was yet again rushed to the hospital. This time, physically, I was not even remotely okay, but I was very aware of what had happened.

Another traumatic, spontaneous, premature delivery. Our second hello and goodbye. It was after this experience that we were introduced to the SHARE program, which became our safe space through the coming months of mourning, a place where we could feel seen and heard and let our grief trickle out to open arms. As you can imagine, an emptiness consumed us following these miscarriages.

While navigating grief, we ultimately went on to try three more rounds of fertility treatments. With no luck before moving on to IVF in 2017, we were cautiously optimistic as we successfully became pregnant. Again, pregnancy after loss is a hard and unique experience, but one that I've been so grateful to have.

I know some of you listening can relate, but I think I held my breath for the 1st, 16 weeks of that pregnancy as if it would help me get further than I had in the past. Of course, it was at 17 weeks that I had to pay my doctor a visit, which resulted in a procedure to place a cerclage to close my cervix, which had started to open prematurely.

With unwavering hope and assurance this would allow me to carry the term, we took a deep breath and chose to celebrate this baby's life. If the past had taught me anything, it's that every moment is one we cannot get back, regardless of the outcome. My husband and I went, possibly overboard, and planned a combined 30th birthday and gender reveal party with 80 of our closest friends and family.

Finding out we were expecting a boy, our rainbow baby, and surrendering to joy with loved ones around us was exactly what we needed at that time. Especially because it would be my last moment of confidence and calm for a while. 

A month later, at 23 weeks pregnant, I was admitted to the hospital yet again after a routine appointment with my OB. My cervix was 2 centimeters dilated despite the cerclage, and I was told I would be meeting with MFM  and then on to strict hospital bed rest until our baby was to be born.

As an eternally hopeful optimist, I was prepared to be posted up at the hospital for months. But eight days later, our son Hunter so very quickly entered this world at only 24 weeks and 5 days. Our micro preemie. Words can't really describe the next 120 days that he spent in the NICU. But if I could sum it up from our perspective, I would say this.

It was a terrifying out of body experience. But our hope and love for him did not waver. Thank The first month was very touch and go, and as parents, we felt like robots just entering and exiting the halls of the hospital day after day. But as time went on, we were just so very thankful to have him here on Earth with us, beating all the odds, growing, and thriving in his own time.

Hunter is now five and a half years old and started kindergarten this year. He fought to be in this world, and I know he is destined for great things. He's our constant reminder that miracles do happen. We always wanted a big family, but after losing the twins and Hunter's premature birth, something had to be done.

I was referred to a specialist and decided to have surgery to place an abdominal cerclage. This was the best option for treating cervical insufficiency, considering it's 99 percent effective in helping carry a pregnancy to term. However, 38 weeks to avoid a contracting uterus. Fast forward to another embryo transfer, and nine months later, our Noah was born.

We did spend the last month of my second trimester in the hospital on bed rest due to polyhydramnios and preterm labor, but ultimately he was born healthy, full term, and on my scheduled C section date. I didn't know it at the time, but this would be my first and only experience carrying a pregnancy to term. Noah is almost four years old and our constant reminder of perseverance. After the whirlwind that was having two under two and then a pandemic to shut everything down, we put IVF and growing our family on hold, but God had other plans.

 The spring of 2021, we unexpectedly and miraculously conceived on our own after eight years of thinking it was impossible. We found out we were expecting a girl and the first half of my pregnancy was seamless. Until one weekend, it started with moderate back pain and within 24 hours I was in the hospital about to be rushed into an emergency C-section to save my life, but ultimately lose our daughters.

And then right before I was going to be wheeled back to the, or, We heard the words that so many of us know all too well. There's no heartbeat. Maren was born sleeping at 20 weeks one day via C section due to placental abruption. Numbness is the feeling that followed for quite some time. Although losing a baby now with children at home was an experience we weren't prepared for.

The little boys who knew mommy had a baby sister in her belly were the only hearts we initially focused on healing. It was very much a situation of putting on a brave face, jumping back into life for our kids, and crying in the darkness of night together.

Giving birth to Maren was the last my body had to give. After four pregnancies, three abdominal surgeries, two blood transfusions, and all the anxiety, PTSD, and depression to follow, My personal fertility journey had come to an end without hesitation. It was too important for me to be healthy, and safe, and present for my husband and sons.

Once the dust settled and Josh and I felt brave enough to open up our hearts and explore other options for our remaining embryos, we made the decision to seek out the help of a surrogate. I'm still in awe that there are women in this world who are able and willing to help others grow their family. We are so very blessed to have partnered with a surrogacy agency who matched us with our gestational carrier in Texas.

For It's been an emotional experience, to say the least, and the biggest lesson in relinquishing control, but we are proud to share that we're expecting another rainbow baby, a child born after a loss. Our surrogate is 14 weeks pregnant and we are holding on tightly to the hope that our baby will be safely carried until it's time to join our family.

I share our story not only to provide hope to the parents who are still praying for their rainbow, but to also shed light on the topics of infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth. About 1 in 6 couples will struggle with infertility, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and 1 in every 160 pregnancies in the U.

S. end in stillbirth. You are not alone. On the one year anniversary of losing Maren, I decided to honor my three daughters by using my experiences to make a difference. I refuse to let the memory of my girls continue to be one of sadness and failure, but rather an outpouring of love and compassion for the many women out there who find themselves with similar struggles.

So in January of this year, I launched the Motherhood Intended podcast in community. 10 months, 45 episodes, and almost 500 community members later, and the impact has been more than I could have imagined. The Motherhood Intended podcast was created with the intention of being a resource to educate women, to talk about motherhood beyond the highlight reel, and to create a space for others to share their stories and knowledge.

Unexpectedly, this podcast has been an incredibly healing journey for me. Sharing my story and talking about my daughters has given me the opportunity to truly unpack my grief and navigate those feelings to the fullest. So if it's on your heart to do the same, please reach out to me. I'm here to listen and I would be honored to have you as a guest on the show.

Baby Loss Awareness is about shining a light on a subject that so many are afraid of. But the loss of a baby is not just a story of grief, of pain, and of tears. It's a story of love, celebration, and becoming parents. It's a place where grief and love collide. It's where dreams lay shattered on the floor.

But simultaneously, a new view of life can be formed. It is only when your heart has been broken into that you discover this depth of love and pain even exists. So when the tears are falling, please know that smiles are also breaking forth. Thank you.

For those who don't know, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Join us in the Motherhood Intended community group if you haven't already. I recently created a chat for those who have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth. This chat will be a place for you to connect with other women who understand your grief.

And as always, feel free to reach out to me personally. I'm happy to offer support to moms navigating pregnancy after loss or parenting after loss as well.

You can send me a DM on Instagram at motherhood underscore intended. 

Send me an email. Hello at motherhood intended. com or like I mentioned, join us in the motherhood intended community group on Facebook.

Whether you're struggling with infertility, a mom of many, or loss is heavy on your heart. I hope you remember that you are not alone.

That's all for today, but be sure to tune in next week for a brand new episode. Bye for now.