Honoring Your Body Through Infertility and Motherhood

In this *bonus* episode, Jacqueline reflects on her summer activities and shares her personal journey with body image and self-acceptance during infertility and motherhood. She discusses the challenges of navigating loss, the impact of infertility treatments on body image, and the importance of self-care and self-love. Jacqueline encourages listeners to give themselves grace, honor their bodies, and focus on all the amazing things their bodies have done. She emphasizes the need to prioritize mental health and find joy and gratitude throughout the infertility journey.

Takeaways

• Give yourself grace and honor your body for what it can do.
• Focus on all the amazing things your body has done, rather than what it hasn't.
• Prioritize mental health and find joy and gratitude throughout the infertility journey.
• Speak kindly to yourself and stay connected with a supportive community.

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Chapters

00:00
Summer Experiences and Reflections

04:46
The Impact of Infertility on Body Image

08:13
Processing Anger and Negative Feelings Towards Your Body

11:02
The Power of Taking a Pause

14:50
Healing and Reflecting on the Journey

17:07
The Challenge of Trusting Your Body

19:26
Setting Goals and Prioritizing Mental Health

23:09
Staying Grounded and Finding Joy

24:52
The Journey to Self-Love and Body Acceptance

24:57
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• 12:27 (Cont.) Honoring Your Body Through Infertility and Motherhood

Transcript

Jacqueline Baird (00:07.638)
Hey friend, welcome to the very first bonus episode of the summer. I truly can't believe that it is already like approaching the end of July. Like what, where has the summer gone? I, it is flown by for good reason. I mean, we've been having a great time. kids being off school, enjoying Lorelai who is now three and a half months old, which is insane to me, absolutely insane.

If you're new to the podcast and just finding the show here at this bonus episode, definitely go back a few episodes to catch up with my personal life. But in a nutshell, we have a new addition to our now family of five, and that would be our daughter Lorelai, who was carried safely by our gestational surrogate, and we couldn't feel more blessed to have her a part of our family.

Jacqueline Baird (01:08.332)
So the weather this summer, at least here in Chicagoland, has been super crazy. It's either been like ridiculously hot, raining, or like thunderstorm tornadoes. I mean, it has been all over the place. But luckily, the hot weather has provided many days for our family to enjoy the pool we put up this summer. Funny story, actually. So it's like a 15 foot around, three foot, three and a half foot deep pool.

we put it up because I knew that this summer, it'd be a lot more difficult to like go to public pools with a, with an infant. and I wanted to keep the boys occupied, especially when my husband is working and traveling for work. So we put up this pool and let me tell you, it was not, it was not as easy as we had anticipated. mostly because our backyard kind of goes on a slope. So we had a lot of like leveling of the ground to do, which was the hardest

my mom helped us, my dad helped us. It was quite the project. and we thought we had a pretty level. mean, we, we leveled the ground. We level. mean, it was the main problem was that I didn't have.

Jacqueline Baird (02:24.64)
The main problem was while I was digging down to level the dirt, actually it was my dad who ran into a line that was buried. I think it's a cable line. And no, we did not have the city come out and mark the lines before. Cause in my head I was like, okay, we've started this project later than I wanted to. Summer's already here. The boys are off school. We're not digging down that deep. Let's just get her done. Well, note to self. do it right the first time because we couldn't dig down any deeper on the one side of the grass and the land. We had to build up the other side. was comical. It's an unfinished project, but the pool is still standing and everyone's been able to enjoy it. So that's all we can ask, at least for this year. And it's pretty funny because it definitely slopes down a bit. And my son was the one who mentioned like, mom, I'm going to go swim in the deep end.

And I was like, sure. The deep end, right. It's about three, four inches deeper on that side of the pool. So I'll keep you updated in case, you know, it happens to collapse and we end up with a lake in our backyard. But so far so good. And the kids have been enjoying it. So that's been a godsend. We also put up a swing set in our backyard, which we've actually never had. We've been in our house for about four years now. And when we first moved in, you know, we had like a little tykes play thing because the kids were younger, but

Yeah, it was nice to put a play set back there for them so they can swing and slide and there's a clubhouse and all that good stuff. But that was a process as well because of course, I love to be savvy and I love to save money in the season of life whenever we can. So we actually were grateful enough to pick up a swing set from my uncle's neighbor, which is super random, but took it down from his house, brought it to our house for free.

Jacqueline Baird (04:24.618)
you know, just involve some manual labor of my husband and dad and brothers and whoever else is willing to help us out. But you know, it's all out of love and it's made our summer. also got a climbing dome off of Facebook marketplace for the kids as well. So the boys are in their glory. They are like actually asking to go play outside all the time, which was not the case before. So summer's going well for us and I hope it's going well for you too.

Jacqueline Baird (04:55.486)
So as I've been working on the podcast all summer, preparing for the new season to launch, season four will be coming out on September 5th. Stay tuned. I do have a couple other bonus episodes dropping for you this summer, but as I've been preparing for that and kind of thinking of different topics and everything, you know, I keep having different thoughts pop into my head of things I want to come in here and talk to you about, but then, you know, I get distracted and busy and then I'm like, what should I do a bonus episode on?

The topic I'm coming with you today is all about our bodies. Our body, especially when navigating infertility and loss and motherhood in general. Birth Trauma Awareness Week was a couple of weeks ago. I saw on social media that self -care awareness day was this week. And honestly, just the fact that it's summer and wearing a bathing suit and less clothing in general.

It's really had me sitting in my feelings about my body. I'm sure those of you, I'm sure if you're listening to this episode, you will be able to relate in one way or another. You know, even if you've got the most fit body, if you are a mom or if you are struggling with infertility, I guarantee you have had moments where if you have spoken to yourself unkindly about your body,

maybe even been mad about your body. Infertility especially can make you feel all sorts of ways about your self -image. Between the medications, the treatments, failed transfers, pregnancy loss, miscarriages, and preterm deliveries, those are just a handful of things that can wreak havoc on your personal relationship with your body. Even after you bring home a baby, regardless if you carry the pregnancy or not, negative feelings towards your body are common.

Jacqueline Baird (06:56.84)
As you know, I'm all about getting real here on this podcast. So as if I'd be anything else, I'm going to be very vulnerable about my feelings and the thoughts that have come up personally for me about my body at this stage in motherhood. You know, I know for me at the beginning, unexplained infertility made me just like want a diagnosis actually, so I could at least blame myself because that there was control in that, which sounds so weird, but like being able to blame it on something or even myself felt good because I can control it. It meant that there was something that I can try to fix. You know, after our failed IUIs, we had three in a row and then of course got pregnant on the fourth IUI only to end in miscarriage, went on to do three more IUIs with medication. You know, all of that failure had me feeling like, what do I have to show for all of this? 

Month after month, I was taking these medications, doing the injections, doing the IUIs and like still nothing. And I think that when you're going through this, it's especially hard for someone who is type A and has always been able to achieve what you wanted as long as you worked hard enough. I know I definitely experienced this. It was a big reality check for me. It had me question so many things, especially my confidence in my body. know, specifically I think of the 20 years I spent as a dancer growing up, I'd practice and rehearse and my body would always do what I trained it to do. So it was just such a huge blow when trying to start my family and my body would consistently fail.

Jacqueline Baird (08:52.872)
And throughout it all, all the months of trying to conceive without any luck, throughout all the infertility treatments, I carried the weight of anger towards my body. I was angry because I didn't trust my body, but I also needed my body to work at the same time. And it's only now that I'm able to reflect on this and open up about it. But as I was going through it, I definitely wasn't saying these things out loud. I wasn't even quite pinpointing these feelings that I had, but at the time, but as they would pass, was in, and as the months would go on and I still wasn't pregnant and my body was consistently feeling me, you know, the feelings just grew stronger and stronger. And back then, you know, this was like a decade ago. I didn't have anyone to share this with. So I'm hoping if you're listening now, you are realizing that these feelings are totally valid and you are definitely not alone.

Jacqueline Baird (09:49.484)
The one thing that I've come to realize is that, you know, I took my anger out on my body in many different ways over the years. After I had miscarried Charlotte and Cecilia, back in 2016 and I was cleared to work out, I took up running, which if you know me at all, running is not something I enjoy. I also have like a weak knee thanks to years of dance and it does not feel good on my body. 

But looking back, I mean, for one, I just really didn't know what to do with myself and my grief. It was the first time I was truly experiencing this and I definitely wasn't dealing with it back then. But I also almost used running as like a punishment to myself. Like in the moment, sure, it was like helpful for me mentally at the time I was depressed to keep my mind occupied, but it did not foster a healthy relationship with my body. I mean, I was not going on a run every single day because I felt like I was doing something good for my body and I loved it and I felt good. 

I was doing it because I was pushing myself. I was being hard on my body and I was mad at my body and my internal self -talk was honestly extremely negative. And then after I lost Maren, she was still born at 20 weeks in 2021. That's when I took a deep dive into an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

I'm not going to sit here and say I have an alcohol addiction or that I had an alcohol addiction, but definitely problem drinking that I had recognized in an attempt to ease the depression, anxiety, and honestly, the stress of managing grief while parenting a two and three -year -old in the midst of a pandemic. I knew at the time that it was becoming a problem, but I was in probably year five of survival mode. and I didn't care. I knew I was being unhealthy, but unfortunately I felt like the body that constantly failed me deserved it. And I'm coming to you.

Jacqueline Baird (11:57.096)
And it's only now that I am in this space that I can look back and really see the damage that I've done mentally in regards to my body and how I never celebrated my body for all the things that it did right. So I'm coming to you today with this episode to tell you that it doesn't have to feel this way. Of course, you're going to experience all the emotions on your fertility journey, but you can learn to always find love for yourself along the way. For starters, give yourself grace. You need time to process and heal from everything you experience, whether that's a failed embryo transfer or the loss of a baby. Come to terms with where you're at and honor what your body can do instead of what it can't do in trying to conceive pregnancy or even birth. You know, I have experienced so many different levels of this along the way.

Not only was I mad at my body for failing every time, you know, an I .U .I. didn't work or miscarriage. And even when I got pregnant, you know, then it failed me again and we lost our babies. You know, I had a glimpse of hope when IVF worked, but there was always something waiting on the other side that my body was failing at and slowly but surely it ate away at me. It ate away at my confidence. It ate away at my self -love and it ate away at truly the relationship I have with myself.

Jacqueline Baird (13:37.26)
You know, after I was finally pregnant again with Hunter, thanks to IVF, that's when my cervix had failed me. You know, being put on hospital bed, a rescue, a circlage placed, only to be put on bed rest at 23 weeks and to give birth at 24 weeks and five days was traumatizing. I mean, I was a shell of myself.

Jacqueline Baird (14:17.128)
after that chapter had kind of passed and we were in a good place with Hunter and he was healthy and at home with us. And I had my surgery to place an abdominal sirclage to help with any future pregnancies to help go to full term. You know, we got pregnant with Noah with a frozen embryo transfer and I was feeling positive yet again. You know, I was every time I felt like I did it, you know, I did it. I fixed a problem and now It's a little bit better. I fixed the problem and now we can move on. There was always something just waiting. I was always waiting for the shoe to drop and sadly most of the time it did. 

You know, I spent... a month of my pregnancy with Noah on hospital bedrest due to polyhydramnios and preterm labor. And of course I did go on to have him at 37 weeks and he was born healthy and full term, early term, I guess. But came home right away and had the C -section and everything was good. And it was actually in that 2020, right? As everything in the world was shutting down I felt a sense of peace with myself. And I think it was mostly because we had decided to take a pause. We had these two growing boys at home, two kids under two, the pandemic had hit. It was just a natural pause after so many years of pursuing a pregnancy and our fertility and dealing with so much that it was a very calming time.

Jacqueline Baird (16:01.068)
And it's funny because when I look back now at pictures of myself, sometimes it's hard. You know, I'll look back and see a picture of myself in 2016, 2017, following the miscarriage of our daughters. And I can't even look at the photos because I know what I'm feeling in those photos and I know how I feel about myself. And then I look at myself in 2020 when on paper, I should be losing my shit because

The world shut down her in a pandemic and so many things were up in the air, but I actually was very content being at home and pausing and taking a break. And I think it's worth mentioning this because if you are in the thick of infertility right now and you are doing back to back treatments and. I just want to remind you, and this is something if you've listened to the podcast for a while now, you've definitely heard me say this before, but there is always power in the pause.

It's hard to do when you're in the thick of it and you have a goal in mind. It's hard to do when you have gone so far, say in your fertility treatments or trying that you're like, well, I've done this already. I've gone this far. Let's just keep going until we get the outcome that we want. But I'm here to tell you from my personal experience that that's not always the best solution. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just pause. And for some, sometimes the best thing you can do is

You know, you have to take into account your mental health, your physical health, your relationship, your finances. There's so much that goes into infertility. sometimes, and I truly think sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. So in my moment of pause, we were enjoying our family through 2020, navigating the pandemic, being home together.

into 2021. And that's when after eight or nine years of not being able to get pregnant on our own, not being on birth control, ever thinking that this would happen naturally for us. That's when I got pregnant on my own. I was healthy. I was eating healthy. I was living a healthy lifestyle. But there was also a lot of really healthy new habits for me. I was reading more. We were doing puzzles. We were slowing down. I your mental health and wellbeing affects your physical body so much. 

So when I look back, it kind of makes sense to me that I was able to get pregnant on my own. And I know that that is not going to be everybody's story, but I think if there's something to be said for it, and of course it was.

Jacqueline Baird (19:15.21)
And of course my pregnancy with Maren was amazing until it wasn't one weekend. And I was brought back down harder than ever before when we abruptly lost Mirren without more warning than a day of cramping. And, you know, I had placental abruption and we had to say goodbye to her. And that crushed me. That was devastating. I have never ever been so mad at my body And I think three years later, I am just now starting to fully heal from the loss of Marin and the trauma that was her birth and honestly, everything that went along with it and everything that followed.

Jacqueline Baird (20:22.196)
Not being able to trust your own body is a really, really hard thing to deal with. There is so much in infertility that is out of our control. And even when we think we're making the best decisions for ourselves, the best plan of action for treatment, pursuing the best journey to grow your family, at the end of the day, it's not in our control. It really isn't. And so that was a hard pill for me to swallow because I had felt so amazing during my pregnancy with Maren, mostly because I think I was not only in a healthy state and I was not coming off of months and months and months of the stress of trying to conceive. I also was not pumped with medications and all of that. It was just easy and natural and caught us by surprise. My pregnancy reflected that. 

So when one weekend came and it all came crashing down, I was furious with myself. I was angry. was just, it stuck in the mindset of, course, of course this happened. Like, why would I think that something so easy would come to me like this.

Jacqueline Baird (22:12.692)
And so if you've listened to my story, you know that it was only shortly after losing Maren, we started to dive into the option of surrogacy. And truly it was only because after a quick Google search, we learned that it's quite a process. We were looking at probably close to two years before we would even have a baby. And that was just a guess. And that was just like to get the process started. So we definitely started before we were even ready to think of having another baby. I mean, we were still grieving the loss of Maren and that grief would continue on even as we pursued having another baby. 

Jacqueline Baird (23:55.98)
So fast forward in our journey to finally being matched with our surrogate, having a successful transfer, her going through pregnancy. I finally, I had this thought of kind of like taking back control, right? I told myself that I was going to be in the best shape of my life by the time our daughter Lorelei was born, which was April, 2024.

You know, it gave me probably a year and a half when I decided on this goal to get there. And it was because, you know, I figured if I am not going to be the one to be able to carry my baby and experience pregnancy ever again, I want to take back control and get my body to the healthiest state it's ever been in, at least in the last decade. Right. Well, what I failed to take into consideration was all of the healing and trauma that I still had to process and work through and all the feelings that would come up while experiencing somebody else carry our baby instead of me. So that took a toll on me. mean, it took a toll on my mental health. And I really thought that because I wasn't dealing with the anxiety of all of my body's ailments and I didn't have to worry about my body failing us yet again. 

I thought that I would be in a better state of mind, but truly it was still hard. It was just a different kind of hard. I was filled with gratefulness, but sadness. I was filled with excitement, but still worry and anxiety. And all of that was reflected in my physical health as well as my mental health, obviously.

it's not like I went into this like completely unhealthy state, but I definitely did not magically turn into like the best shape of my life just because I willed that into the world. You know, there were so many other factors that, that held me back that had me, you know, digging deep and working on things that really needed to be dealt with before my daughter was born and truly my physical appearance fell down on the list. 

And I can say now that I'm glad I didn't stress as much to make that the number one priority because I did a lot of work on my mental health and to really be in the best state of mind I could before we welcomed our daughter into this world. So through all of it, through everything that you are going through on your journey to motherhood, or maybe you already are a mom, you know, and you are reflecting on all of your pregnancies, even if they were your body has done amazing things. Your body has gone through so many changes. And throughout all of it, it's really important to do the deep work of healing. And I don't mean like recovering from your pregnancy. I mean like healing as in accepting your body for what it is now and honoring all that it's done for you and not focusing on maybe what it didn't do or what didn't go your way or.

the weight that you still want to lose or the way your birth experience went. It's really time to focus on all that your body has done for you and you should be proud of that. I've had to process many times that the vision I had for myself and my future family was not going to play out the way I had envisioned. If you asked me 12 years ago if I ever thought I'd need help getting pregnant, I absolutely would have said, no, probably not.

If you asked me 12 years ago if I'd need assistance trying to stay pregnant, I definitely wouldn't believe it. And absolutely, if you asked me 12 years ago if I thought I'd ever utilize the help of a surrogate to bring my baby into this world, I would never have believed that. But here I am. I've survived it all and so has my body. And you can too. But I want you to do more than just survive.

I want you to thrive and feel joy and love through it all, especially towards your body. You know, we only get one. So regardless of how things pan out, it's important to love yourself for who you are and what your body is capable of. There is so much strength and power in that.

Jacqueline Baird (28:31.178)
And this isn't said enough in the infertility space in my opinion, but it's important to stay grounded and joyful through the process as best as you can. Infertility will rob you of time if you let it, it will rob you of money if you let it, it will rob you of relationships, your emotions and your mental health and so much more. Infertility isn't just not having a baby. Infertility will take hold of every aspect of your life, especially if it's a long road for you.

Jacqueline Baird (29:26.356)
Of course, when I was going through all of this, I was not thinking this way. But I say all of this now with years of healing and reflection. But even now, you know, as I'm almost three years out from my last pregnancy, I still find myself being hard on my... I still find myself being hard on me and my body. At least now it comes in waves and I'm able to recognize these feelings and deal with them in a healthy way. You know, I had this goal for myself

Jacqueline Baird (30:12.044)
So when you think about your body and how you are doing on your infertility or motherhood journey, make sure to take into consideration the things that I did not. Think about any unhealed trauma you have, PTSD. any stresses of your fertility treatments that might come up. Not to mention if you already are a busy mom and that's trying to do all the things, right? Maybe you have a career, maybe you're a stay at home mom and you're doing fertility treatments or trying to grow your family. The bottom line is your mind has to be in the right place in order to channel that energy, to be kind to yourself and love your body for where it's at. Because I know for me at first, like my heart was just not in that space. And I didn't really know, and I didn't have anyone telling me otherwise, you know, I was just in my own little bubble of anger and resentment towards myself.

And if you're not in a good mental state, especially when it comes to your feelings about your own body and what it's not doing for you, it will be extra hard to change things physical, to change things physically. Take it from me, you really have to start from within. And I don't know about you, but I am a constant work in progress. But that's the beauty of life, isn't it? You're always changing, always evolving and always learning. That's what makes the ride so fun.

So as you navigate whatever difficult road to motherhood you're on, please remember to speak kindly to yourself and honor your body wherever it is. Thanks for joining me today, friend. I have a couple more bonus episodes, like I said, coming your way this summer, and then season four will launch on September 5th with new episodes dropping every Thursday. In the meantime, join me in the Motherhood Intended Community Group on Facebook and follow along on Instagram at motherhood underscore intended.

We also have a cool new feature where you can send me a text. The link is in the show notes, so don't be afraid to send a quick hello, ask a question, or offer up any suggestions for the show. I'd love to hear from you. I hope you have a great weekend. Be sure you have.

I hope you have a great weekend. Be sure you've the follow button on this podcast so you'll get an alert when the next bonus episode is out. I'll talk to you then.