*Re-Release* Infertility, IUIs, and Miscarriages: Jacqueline's Story (Part 1)

Jacqueline welcomes listeners, new and seasoned, to hear the re-release of the premier episode of the podcast that originally aired in January 2023. In this episode, Jacqueline shares the first part of her deeply personal and emotional fertility journey, starting from her attempts to conceive, to the challenges she faced with infertility, and the subsequent processes including IUIs. She recounts the traumatic loss of her twin daughters and the impact it had on her, as well as transitioning to a new fertility clinic to eventually pursue IVF.

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Transcript

Are you tired of scrolling your feed only to see the highlight reel version of motherhood? If so, then you're in the right place. Welcome to the motherhood intended podcast. I'm your host, Jacqueline Baird, and I'm a passionate mom here to support women like you in their unique journeys to and through motherhood.

I have been through it all. We're going to be talking about things like trying to conceive, infertility, IVF, surrogacy, mom life, and more. It's time to get real about what it takes to be a mom and come together in Things don't always go as planned. So here we go. 

Hey friends. Welcome to the podcast. I decided to switch things up a little bit the next couple of weeks, and I'm going to be putting out a few different episodes. I'd cast has a ton of new listeners and it's. It's been a while since I've really told my fertility journey in full. I know with Thanksgiving coming up, everyone's a little bit busy, including myself.

Lots going on as we jump into the holiday season here. Um, so I wanted to take this as an opportunity to re release the first few episodes of the Motherhood Intended podcast. So if you're new here, this will be very helpful to hear my, fertility journey and what brought me to starting this podcast. And if you've been an avid listener over the last couple of years, and you've heard these first few episodes, I encourage you to take this as an opportunity to pay it forward, you know, pass this episode along to somebody in your life who could benefit from being introduced to the motherhood intended podcast.

Maybe somebody who's navigating infertility, someone who recently had a miscarriage or a loss. My whole goal is just to spread the word about Motherhood Intended podcast and community to support others who are going through similar situations as it relates to infertility, IVF, adoption, miscarriage, surrogacy.

You all know that's part of my story. I mean, there's So many different paths to becoming a mom. And even if your path looks quote unquote typical, we all know motherhood just isn't that simple. And everybody has a winding road at one point or another. So if you've heard these episodes and you don't want to listen to them again, hit that share button right now and just.

Pass it along to somebody else in your life that can benefit from this. If you are new to the show, this episode that I'm sharing today was the kickoff of the premiere of this podcast back in January, 2023. It actually launched on my birthday as you'll hear. But in this episode, I share the first part of my fertility story.

So from meeting my husband to Initially kind of diving into the infertility world, getting the help of reproductive assistants. This episode tells the story of my first three years on my journey to becoming a mom. Now, I do want to give you like a little trigger warning. In this episode, I do discuss my miscarriages, which involve premature delivery.

My miscarriages did happen in my second trimester. I really wanted this episode to be vulnerable and honest. So when I launched the podcast, that's kind of something I've always tried to stick to. That being said, I know it could be hard for some people to listen to. So feel free to skip forward or skip this episode if that's what you need to do.

But I just wanted to kind of put that disclaimer out there because I do discuss my premature deliveries at the beginning of my motherhood journey. I'm going to be trickling these first few episodes out over the next couple of weeks. Listen to them when you can, it's actually been very great for me to go back and listen to my story in full when I launched the podcast, this really was the only time that I've told our journey in full detail.

Um, it's really hard. It takes, it took a lot out of me to get those first few episodes out, but. That was the beginning of a total shift for me, a shift into healing, a shift into understanding and acceptance and hope for the future. And our family has come such a long way in the last couple of years, which you'll hear.

And it's also been very humbling to go back and listen to these first few episodes because I'm just going to say it. I'm, I'm, I'm pretty proud that the podcast has come a long way in two years. I've definitely gotten more comfortable on the mic. And my editing has definitely improved in the last couple of years too.

Thank goodness. Because I'm going to be honest when I opened these first few files and I was going back, I'm like, what, what was I doing here? Why did I chop this up into like 87 pieces? Like, what was I, what was I doing? Um, but you know what, it's what I always tell you guys do it. Messy jump in before you're ready.

Do it. Messy. It'll all work out and always be learning, always be learning. That's what I'm doing. And as we were kind of wrapping up season four in the next few months here, I'm just very humbled realizing that we are going into a fifth season in the new year in 2025, and it just blows my mind how far this podcast has come.

So for tuning in. If you've been with me for the last couple of years, thanks for being on this ride with me. And if you're new here, welcome to the podcast. There is over 80 episodes for you to listen to, to binge over the holidays, pick through them, find topics that resonate with you, pass them along. I appreciate you all.

All right, enough of my rambling.  Here's the very first episode of Motherhood Intended. Take a listen.  To tell you a little bit about myself, um, I'm your typical type A personality. I love to plan. I'm super organized. Um, I love writing everything down. I have a lot of lists all the time. Um, I usually know exactly what I want and will stop at nothing until I get it. 

Um, which can be a very good thing, but also a not so good thing. Um, I  love stand up comedy. I love laughing. I love movies. I love wine. Um, I love hanging out with friends and being social. I love planning parties. Um, which doesn't happen as much now that I'm a busy, a busy mom. Um,  I have struggled with anxiety for about, I don't know, 13 years now.

Um, I'm always dreaming and coming up with these grand plans and schemes and business ideas. Um, I love, I love doing that. I love being creative. Um, but then there's my anxiety that usually inhibits me from, and worry that inhibits me from, um, making these dreams a reality. Um, so props to myself on the, on the podcast here, because this one I followed through with, um, The timing just felt right and everything, everything just feels right about it.

I love people who know me know that I love to talk. I love to chat. I'm an overshare, um, you know, give me a glass of wine and you'll hear stories. Yeah, you didn't even ask for,  um, but it also felt right. Cause I've, so I've been a stay at home mom for the last  three years now. Three, almost four years, um, you know, dabbled in part time work, but I have not been at my full time career in almost four years now.

Um, and podcasting sounded so exciting to me because I actually went to school for broadcasting and video production. Um, always thought I wanted to be on the video side of things, um, until I was in an editing bay by myself.  Um, and I was not seeing enough people. I was not chatting with people. I was not being social.

I needed to be more out in the world. Um, Obviously the world has changed a lot, you know, since COVID and everything. And  I've learned the power of communication and community like online, um, which is extremely helpful, not only during times like COVID, but, um, you know, as a parent who doesn't get to get out as much as I used to.

Um, so yeah, those are, um, a little bit about a little bit about me and why I love, uh, The idea of this podcast, um, and a little bit about my personality, which you'll, you'll understand a little bit more later  how my, um, persistence and type a and organization and, and all the things comes into play in our fertility story. 

So let's, uh, let's start at the beginning.  My husband and I got married. In 2013, I was 25 years old.  Um, after being married, we decided we wanted to, you know, wait a year before trying to start a family, um, you know, to enjoy marriage, as they say.  Um,  we both knew we had always wanted kids. Um, even to the point where like, I remember being on our first, not our first date.

Maybe our third date and we're out and we're having drinks. And  it got to the point where we're talking about how many kids we want, where we're calculating, like, okay, if we want to put them, if we want to put four kids through college, how much will we have to make? We, I mean, we, we were just like planning out our life on like date number three.

So needless to say, um, we were both in it for the long haul. Um, Very quickly after meeting. Um, so after a year of marriage, we decided to start to try and have a family. Um, I remember we went to Aruba for our one year anniversary, which is also where we went on our honeymoon and we were just like, all right, let's try it.

Let's do this. It's easy, right? I mean, I've been told for years.  That if you have unprotected sex, you will get pregnant,  the birds and the bees. And, uh, it's that easy, right? It's that easy. Um,  not so much, not so much, at least for us, um, to, to rewind a little bit. I mean, I had gone off birth control eight months before our wedding.

Um, honestly, just due to like insurance, I know the birth control that I was on, it wasn't going to be covered on our new insurance. Um, and I had planned to go off of it, um, you know,  on our wedding day anyway. So, um, Yeah, I had been off of it for eight months, um, and I, I was on birth control for about seven years.

I think I started it when I was 18. Um, and it was the kind, it was, I think it was called seasonal, but it's, you know, you get your period every few months or whatever. So I wanted to make sure my body got back on track. Um, and I kind of had that out of my system. So, um, Yeah, went off birth control eight months before the wedding.

And then again, was off of it for a year before we actually started actively trying to get pregnant.  Um, we ended up trying for six months and I remember my OB telling me when I told her we wanted a family and everything. Um, I remember her telling me, okay, like, that sounds great. We'll get you off your birth control and then try for one year.

And if you're still not pregnant, come back and see me.  Well, after about six months, I just kind of felt like something wasn't right. Um,  I kind of chalked it up for a while of like, Oh my gosh, it's just my type a, like, it's not happening. Like I had a plan. Like, why is this taking so long? Um, But truthfully, I just like, I really did deep down feel like, you know, I just think something's off, like something isn't right.

Um, and I had always had like pretty heavy periods and painful periods, like ever since my very first one, like growing up. Um, so I kind of just, I felt like there needed to be some further investigating.  So she referred us to a fertility clinic and we went there. Um, we did all the initial testing that they do.

Um, and two things came up with me.  One was that my thyroid levels were a little bit off. Um, I guess in general, like they weren't too bad, but for trying to conceive purposes, they needed to be, um, you know, in a different range. So I wasn't really feeling any effects of like, um, hypothyroidism or anything at the time.

Um, but you know, they wanted these levels to be in a certain range. So to increase our chances.  Um, the other thing that was found after they did an ultrasound of my uterus and everything was that, uh, one of my fallopian tubes was blocked. Um, I had polyps on my tube, so, um, you know, essentially it was blocking the sperm from meeting the egg.

You know, the egg was coming down my fallopian tube and they just were not meeting. Um, so right off the bat, that was kind of cutting our chances in half, um, just with that issue. So I ended up getting put on medication for my thyroid to get that all leveled out. Um, you know, I went on the medication a few weeks later, they tested my levels again.

Um, and then for my fallopian tube, I had to have, um, a procedure called a tubal, tubal cannulation. Um, and that was, you know, where they, they go, and it's not invasive. Um, and they, they go and they unblock my fallopian tube.  Um, so I had that done.  Those two things were the only things that came up. You know, my egg count was good.

Um, everything else checked out. My husband's tests look fine. Um, so after the, my, my tube was unblocked and I was on my thyroid medication, I was, we were sent on to try again.  Um, now this time I got a little bit smarter after doing a bunch of research and everything, you know, the first six months we started trying, I was just like all willy nilly, like off birth control, like just like, Oh, you can get pregnant.

Like,  I was never taught. I don't know about you, but I was never taught. Like there's like six days a month that you can get pregnant.  Didn't know that.  I mean, I went years just thinking like, Oh my gosh, if I have unprotected, unprotected sex, I can get pregnant at any point. Um, I really wasn't.  Taught anything about ovulation or, um, you know, the details of all of how that works.

Um, I, yeah, I mean, I don't remember that in the birds and the bees talk or in school or anything. Um,  which we'll talk about that further, but I, I just really believe that, uh, women should be young women should be educated on this sooner and, and in all the details of how our body works.  Um, so anyway, this time around, you know, we are sent to try again.

Um, I started using ovulation predictor kits,  so I knew exactly when I was ovulating, when we should be doing the deed, to increase our chances of getting pregnant.  Um,  At this point, so we tried  for another six months.  Um,  trying was no longer fun.  Um, it was a chore. It was stressful. Um, I felt like a failure for not getting pregnant.

I felt like I was disappointing my husband. I know he was frustrated. Um, We both just wanted this so bad and we could not figure out why it wasn't happening for us. We thought we had fixed the issue. There was nothing else, um, that our doctor found, um, that should be preventing us from getting pregnant.

You know, at this point I was 27.  My husband was 32. You know, we're young. Um,  we were just chalked up to, you know, I guess unexplained infertility after that because we tried for six more months before going back to our fertility doctor. So now I'm 28.  I'm 28. There's no other issues except we're just unexplained infertility. 

So at this point our doctor suggested we try An IUI cycle, which is inter uterine insemination,  um, with Clomid, which is a medication. So,  we did. I was put on Clomid,  which is a medication to  help increase, um, your production, like, of eggs. Um,  and then,  uh, the insemination. So, you prep for the cycle,  you go in, my husband does his deed, and then they inseminate me. 

We did that. Um, we were told that if IUI was going to work, that it would happen within like three to four tries. If it doesn't happen three to four cycles,  likely you're going to need a further intervention to get pregnant and that  isn't going to work for you.  Um, this is what we were told at the time. 

Um, so we did a cycle.  Negative test.  We went on to do another cycle and another cycle.  And  it was after our third failed cycle of not getting pregnant. And I was responding to the meds. I was responding to the meds. My follicles will work growing. I was monitored well, um, you know, inseminated  at the right time.

I did a trigger shot. Everything was like going as planned. And then I still was getting these negative pregnancy tests. Um, And at this point, I, truthfully, I was, I was getting worried. I just, I was starting to feel like this was never going to happen for me. Um, at this point, after three cycles of IUIs, um,  you know, IVF was brought up by our doctor.

And I just,  my husband and I, we just could not wrap our, Mind around that yet, because we were, we were unexplained infertility. Like in theory, we should be able to get pregnant. And to me, IVF just felt  so  end of the road. Like I, like I failed. And like, this is your only way to get pregnant and have a family.

And that was the only avenue I saw and was like told about, um, I knew it would be a burden financially. I, I didn't know all that was involved at IVF at this point, but I knew that it was a big deal. Um,  So yeah, we decided to do one more IUI. Um, you know, originally we were told three to four tries. So I'm like, you know what? 

Let's do a number four.  And at this point, truthfully, I was not, was not feeling great. We did these cycles back to back, one month after another. So these hormones I'm on, um, I just remember feeling very, um, Honestly, like inflamed all around. I felt like not myself at this point. I'm kind of like crawling out of my skin.

I just did not like Clomid.  Um, it was just all very stressful. And of course life is going on around you, right? Like, it's not like everything stopped and this was the only task, you know, I had work and family and other obligations. Um,  And I wasn't totally open about what we were doing. I mean, with my immediate family, I was, but like,  my friends didn't all know.

Um, I worked in, no, it was just something that was very heavy on my body and on my mind and my heart. Um, but I was keeping it to myself, you know, I just, I figured. When we get pregnant, you know, if we want, we can tell people how we got pregnant. But at this point, I just like, I wasn't there yet. I didn't think anyone needed to know.

Um, so I kind of, you know, me and my husband carried that alone of what we were doing.  Um,  so this fourth time, you know, we did the same,  pretty much the same protocol. Cause I was responding, I just wasn't getting pregnant. So at this point, um. I knew what I was doing. You know, I knew how the medication works.

I knew how I would feel. I knew what the timeline looked like.  I remember just trying to just not think about it and just like  get through it and get myself to pregnancy test day.  So pregnancy test day came around. And at this point,  I had even learned a little bit more about pregnancy tests, you know, I'm not just buying like one digital, like, are you pregnant?

Are you not?  I was starting with like the test strips and I was comparing, I mean, to the point where like I was just starting to see lines like that weren't there because  I wanted to see it so badly. I remember I had a piece of paper and like I wrote,  um, You know what days and I taped all the tests like one by one and I like would swear it was getting darker and I had done this the last couple months.

So I was like,  felt like a pro and I was like, no, I see two lines and it was still early. Like, I wasn't expected to take a test that early, but I was just I couldn't wait. It was all I think about was thinking about. I mean, it consumed me. Um,  Yes, and so  I was seeing the line getting darker,  and on the day that I was told to test, I took an actual pregnancy test that said, you know, not with the lines.

I needed one that was clear cut because I, I was convinced I was just seeing things. Took the test, lo and behold,  says I was pregnant.  I finally had gotten pregnant.  Oh my gosh.  I think I was just shaking with joy. I mean, I, I couldn't, you know, you think of all these different ways before you're even going to get pregnant.

You're like, Oh, I'm going to surprise my husband and I'm going to do a special thing and it's going to be so great.  Well, when you're doing an IUI and you're going through some fertility treatments and having assistance, it's not that magical, right? You're not just like, Oh, you're just not just, you know, having sex.

And then you get to surprise your husband with a positive pregnancy test. It's like, everyone's very aware of what's going on. You're trying really hard. Everything is calculated. Everyone knows what day that test is happening. So I took the test and I just ran downstairs and showed my husband. Um, I still have pictures of us with the test beaming.

Um, it was one of the most exciting days ever. Um, you know, I had always wanted to be a mom as a little girl  in my teens. I remember thinking like, man, I don't, I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life. I don't know exactly which career I want. But I know that I want to be a mom.  I have always known that.

I've never doubted it. I want a big family. I want to be a mom. I want to experience that joy and that just everything that comes with having a family.  Um,  and so when I, when Josh and I got married, like I said, we,  it was, it was like a love at first sight situation. I mean, by date number three, we knew we were in it for the long haul.

And part of that was because. My husband wanted the same thing as me. I mean, he wanted a family just as bad. Um, this was our dream. It was our dream to be married, have this beautiful family and live a great life.  So needless to say, we were ecstatic to get this positive pregnancy test. I called the clinic, told them what happened. 

Obviously they can't, they had me come in. We did a blood test.  And. Yep, sure enough, my beta showed that I was pregnant  and not only was I pregnant, but I was starting to, I was starting to  not be concerned, but I was curious about the number that was given to me. I can't remember the exact number now of my beta, but it was high. 

A quick Google search.  Showed me that what an average beta is and it can range and I know this now that like you can have a high beta number  and it doesn't mean you're having twins, you can have a low beta number and it can turn out to be twins. I mean,  but a quick Google search told me that like it could be likely that your numbers are so high because you are carrying a multiple pregnancy. 

I didn't think too much of it. I was just like, okay. And at this point, I didn't have as much knowledge as I do now. So we go in, um, and again, because we're doing a fertility treatment, we are, we did the IUI, you know, everything is monitored differently, um, you know, with a, uh, unassisted pregnancy. You are getting your first ultrasound at eight weeks, um, which was the case for us as well, but we had multiple ultrasounds  after that, whereas in like a pregnancy that where you are not doing fertility treatments, you know, typically you'll have your eight week ultrasound for the heartbeat.

You'll have a 20 week ultrasound,  um, for the anatomy scanned scan. And then I believe  maybe one more, or maybe it's two.  When I tell you that we had,  so I have a whole album of  like ultrasound pictures, sonograms  of this pregnancy, because  not only was it, uh, you know, assisted with IUI, but we found out at our very first ultrasound,  we were extremely excited to see the baby.

Not one, but two gestational sacks  twins. We were pregnant with twins.  Honestly, I was, I wasn't even, I wasn't even scared. I wasn't even thinking about how this was all going to pan out. I was just like,  wow. Like  if this was not worth the way, I don't know what is. I mean, we had tried so hard for a baby and now we were having to,  we were just like literally in disbelief and just so, so excited.

Um,  And I, I, I loved being pregnant at this point. You know, I had a great pregnant first. I had a great first trimester. I mean, I didn't really, I felt like a little nausea. Um, But other than that, I just, I felt good. I felt so proud of my body and I felt so excited for our future. Um, and everything was going fine.

I, uh, my mom actually had twins. My brothers are twins. And so. You know, that was nothing new. I can, I, I mean, obviously I, um, I was like seven when my brothers were born, but I have memories of two babies being in the home. And, um,  you know, I had my mom to talk to about twins. I knew it was going to be okay.

Um, I knew I'd have her advice and her guidance. And so it was just a very, very exciting time.  Um, you know, my,  everything, like I said, was going fine. My pregnancy felt good  all the way up until  I was about 14 weeks.  Um,  out of nowhere, I  had bleeding. I, all of a sudden, I just went  to use the restroom  and out of nowhere, I was just bleeding and bleeding. 

Um,  when I say this is a memory that is just  ingrained in my head. I mean, at the time I didn't know what was going on. I was like, Oh my gosh. Like, and truthfully, I didn't know anything about. miscarriage. I didn't know  at 14 weeks that anything could go wrong. Um, you know, you're told, I just knew the standard, like, okay, you need to hear the heartbeat.

And then at 12 weeks, it's safe to tell everybody that you're pregnant. Um,  And to rewind a little, we did. I waited until 12 weeks. We were so ecstatic to tell our family, um, our extended family, our friends. We posted it on social media. We had a fun little announcement with, with our dog, Stella. Um, you know, there was a picture of her with like  two baby shoes, two pairs of baby shoes.

And it said, wait, you're having how many, you know, twin bear twins coming  February. 2017.  Um,  but at 14 weeks, things took a turn. Um, like I said, I just thought I had to go to the bathroom  and  what happened after that was just so traumatizing. There was just so much blood. I was downstairs in our bathroom. I was like, Oh my gosh, like, Oh my gosh.

And I didn't want to tell my husband. I ran upstairs and I was like, okay, I just need to handle this. Everything's okay. Everything is okay. Um,  My body would not stop bleeding. It was getting so scary. I knew I was not okay.  I called my husband and I was like, I think you need to call an ambulance. Like, I don't know, or we need to go to the hospital, something. 

And  I didn't even know how we'd get to the hospital because I was bleeding so much. Um,  so he called an ambulance and he called my parents and they came and I was rushed to the nearest hospital,  um, which was like, Three minutes away, as opposed to the 10 minutes of our hospital, where I was supposed to deliver, um,  I was taken to the, I mean, I guess I was just losing so much blood that it was, it was an emergency and I didn't realize it at the time.

I just knew that something wasn't right. Um, I do remember being.  I remember being in the ambulance and they're asking my name and asking me to spell it. And I just, I, I was, I was a little confused. It was just there. I think I was, I was in shock and I was just not in a, not in a good state. Um,  so they rushed me to the hospital and I was in the ER and you know, I'm in the bed.

My mom was there. My husband was there  and you know, we were just. Waiting. I mean, they pushed on. I remember them pushing on my stomach a little bit. Um, they checked me. I was,  I still had heavy bleeding. Um,  and we were waiting for the doctor. And again, I don't, I don't know this doctor. This was not my hospital.

Um,  at 14 weeks with my very first pregnancy, I.  Truly had no idea what was going on.  I knew all this blood obviously wasn't good.  So in my mind,  I  That's it. I just the pregnant I was afraid we were waiting for the doctor to come in and do an ultrasound um, or I guess to talk to us, you know, the  Ultrasound tech or nurse or whoever was doing it did an ultrasound, but she's not allowed to tell us anything I am  Looking at her face, which has absolutely no emotion,  and then  they come in, the doctor comes in, and she says,  You're pregnant with twins? 

And I said, yes, I am pregnant with twins. And she said,  I'm so sorry, but there's, there's only one baby in there.  And at this point, I'm not,  I just, I just start crying, but I don't even realize what she's saying. I just, I'm like,  what do you mean? Like, I was prepared for her to say, like, there's no heartbeat. 

But she said, there's only one baby in there. We only see one baby with one heartbeat. Okay.  And I just,  I,  I couldn't wrap my mind around that. I wasn't understanding.  Um, and truthfully, the rest of that memory is kind of a blur. I  not much was said, she said, this baby that we see on the ultrasound looks fine. 

Um, we're going to need you to see your OB tomorrow. We need to make sure that everything else in your uterus is going on. Like that, that, that everything is okay for this baby. Um, but I'm sorry. Okay. You only have one baby in there.  So,  after that, I mean, I was in the ER, and so I'm, I'm literally sent home.

I am sent home,  um,  the next morning, I have to go to my OB, and  she's doing an ultrasound, basically, to confirm the same thing,  and they're just doing a lot of apologizing. I'm so sorry. For your loss.  I'm just trying to figure out still like what happened  to my baby, but yet also I'm like hopeful and grateful that we still have what seems to be a healthy baby. 

I just, it made no sense to me. So I am replaying that traumatic night over and over in my head  only to realize that I delivered, I delivered, 

I delivered one of our babies, um,  at 14 weeks. I, I saw nothing. Um, There was so much blood that I,  I did not know that there was no sign of anything of that going on.  No one told me that's what had happened. No one explained anything to me. Um,  I was not given the hard details that I really could have used.

So I didn't have to try and play this out in my mind for the next  long time, long time, years, until I fully grasped what had happened.  So now, um,  I'm at my OB.  Our second twin  is looking fine. There was a strong heartbeat. Um, At this point, they're not seeing any kind of trauma that could inhibit this pregnancy.

Um, I was put on  Like a modified bedrest  and for those two weeks, it, I can't even tell you, I have never, I have never, I've never prayed so much  for the next couple of weeks than I have  in my  entire life  until later on in my story, I'm realizing which will come, but, um, I tried to stay positive. I was honestly, ignorantly positive in those two weeks that followed the loss of our first twin. 

Um, everyone around me was positive, which was needed. I had such great support from my parents and my family and obviously my husband. Um,  everything was going fine. I was able to like, you know, during the day, I would just kind of rest. I was working from bed. Um, I was told to move around. I wasn't told like, don't just stay still.

Just take it easy. Take it easy.  So the first week I pretty much spent on the couch because I was just kind of terrified to do anything. Um, and I just really wanted everything to go well, obviously. Um, I  naively thought that, you know, the worst was behind us after that first week. I was like, okay, like, status quo.

I'm still pregnant. Everything is fine. I feel fine. Um,  you know, focus on the positive, be hopeful for the baby that we have and just keep moving forward.  And we did. Um, we got a notification that our genetic testing results were in and we decided to, you know, look at them. We wanted to know, maybe it would provide some information as to maybe something was wrong genetically.

Maybe that's why we lost one of the twins. Um, plus, you know, we would get to learn the sex of the babies, which we were hoping would it. Maybe bring us closure, um, for the twin that we lost and then maybe bring us closer to the baby that we still have.  So we picked up the envelope from our doctor and we brought it over to my parents house.

Um, at this point, uh, we were spending a lot of time with my parents. Um, you know, it was just comforting to not be alone and, you know, we're doing the best we can to take, you know, Josh is trying to take care of me. I'm trying to be positive for myself. And, you know, it was, my parents were there to help take care of us, to be honest.

Um, so we brought.  The envelope over to their house and we opened it up and it said, females,  both of our twins were female, two girls.  Um, immediately I was filled with  all sorts of emotions. I was extremely happy  at the thought, like I, at this point, again, I was feeling confident. I thought I was going to have a daughter.

Um, in the same breath, I was extremely, extremely heartbroken that I now know that I had lost a daughter.  Um,  you know, thoughts of like what that would have looked like, you know, these two girls growing up together,  um, and always looking at one and missing another. I mean, it was just, I was just filled with emotions and on our whole path, you know, over the years, I I've learned that it's okay, like it's normal and it's okay to feel like multiple feelings at one time.

You can be happy for one thing and sad about another, hopeful  for one part of your journey and worried about another. There's, there's no wrong answer. All your feelings are valid. Um, and in that moment I was feeling all the things. You know, and I can only imagine how everyone around me is feeling. I'm sure my parents were like ecstatic for me and they were so excited for their first grandchild and a granddaughter. 

But then like, it's confusing because you don't want to be too excited because it's a very sad situation because we still lost a baby.  So again, um,  all the feels, all the feels at this point. Um, most importantly, you know, the genetic testing results showed that everything was perfect. With these two babies, there was nothing wrong.

Um, so that was actually confusing as well, because we were grateful, grateful that, you know, genetically everything looked healthy, but it was also very confusing as to then why, why did we lose one of the twins? We didn't have any answers at this point. So the next week I truthfully spent pretty confidently.

Um,  you know, I started moving around a little bit more. I wasn't just like on the couch. Um, Definitely taking it easy though. I wasn't doing much. Um, but honestly daydreaming daydreaming about this daughter that I now know we're having and looking forward. Um, I was looking forward to my next appointment truthfully because I wanted to know that everything was still okay in there.

Um, but I ended up,  you know, I started, I started spotting, I started bleeding. Um, And obviously right away, I called my doctor. Um, they had me come into the hospital. I  think it was a weekend because that always happens anytime I need something from a doctor. It's even now with my kids, it's, it's always on a weekend.

Um,  so we went into the hospital, um, you know, they hooked me up at first to one of the belts to see if they, if I was in any kind of active labor, um, to try and monitor any contractions. You know, I wasn't feeling any contractions to my knowledge. I mean,  Again, first time being pregnant. I also have a pretty high pain tolerance.

I mean, I just assume that like, if I'm having contractions, like I'll know, you know, like when you see in the movies, um, So they hooked me up to the belt to see if they could monitor anything, but truthfully, like,  at 16 weeks pregnant, I mean, I just, I wasn't that big, um, and it's hard, it's hard to, like, track those things when you're, when you're not that far along.

Um, so there was nothing there. I mean, they, they brought ultrasound in, they saw the baby, everything looked good in there, even though I had some bleeding, you know, baby's heart, heart rate was good. Um, There was no trauma that they could see in my uterus at that point. I mean, everything was just looking fine.

Um, that being said, they wanted to monitor me and they were just going to like send me home, especially with, you know, what happened last time. But I ended up being there in the hospital for six, seven, eight hours with no change at all. Um, and again, the bleeding wasn't that bad. It was present obviously.

And that's why I went in, but, um, nothing had changed and Because I was only 16 weeks along, I mean, I was, and I say only just because,  and I learned this now, you know, anything after 20 weeks, um, You know, it's considered  if you were to lose a baby, it's considered a stillbirth and everything before that is a miscarriage and anything you have to be at least 20 weeks  to go to labor and delivery.

Otherwise, like I, I was in triage. I was just, I was in an uncomfortable bed. I mean, I was  hours went by. I mean, of course, there's nothing to do, but just worry and think of all the different scenarios that could play out.  So finally, my doctor came back in and she said.  You know, there hasn't been any change.

There's nothing that we can see at this point. She said, it's up to you. You can stay here and we can continue to monitor you. She's like, you know, or you can go home.  Um, obviously everything looks different in hindsight. Um, but in that moment,  I was like, okay, like, if. I asked her, I was like, if, I mean, if you feel confident in sending me home,  then yeah, I'd rather be at home.

It's more comfortable than sitting here in the hospital, stressing out and freaking out all day. Um, I'll go home.  So I went home. Um, my mom came with my husband and I, and we got home. I was set up on our couch. Um, we were just going to relax, try and take our mind off of everything that was going on. Um, so we decided to put on a movie and I will never forget. 

That evening, um,  you know, as the night went on,  well, we decided to watch, I was like, I need something uplifting. I need something to take my mind off of everything that's going on. I just need to feel strong and empowered and just like put some good movie on. Um, and the movie we watched was, uh, joy with Jennifer Lawrence, you know, the one where she invents the mop and everything.

It's a real like woman power movie. Um, So that was a nice distraction. Although like  half hour into the movie, you know, I'm feeling  almost like cramping.  Um,  again, having never been pregnant, never being in labor. I didn't know what that was. I just thought, you know, like, Oh my gosh, I'm just like really uncomfortable right now.

Like,  I don't know. It's just gotta be with everything in the day and that uncomfortable bed. Um,  and then, you know, it would come and go, it would just come and go every, you know, 20 minutes or so. Um,  And it wasn't anything, it wasn't a painful, it wasn't super painful, I was just very aware of it. It was uncomfortable.

I'll say that.  So we finish the movie, my mom goes home,  you know, we go upstairs, we go to bed.  I truthfully don't know how long I was asleep, and at this point I feel like,  looking back in hindsight, they were contractions, I know this now, um, but any kind of cramping or any uncomfortable feeling I was feeling, like, it wasn't enough to even keep me from going to sleep.

Like, I went to sleep, um. Until, and again, I don't know, remember what time this was middle of the night. I just,  I woke up, like I just popped out of bed.  I think my body was an autopilot. Cause I don't know how I would know that quickly. Like what was going on or what was wrong. I just knew like something's not right.

And I ran to the bathroom.  And I didn't get any further than into the bathroom 

and I,  and all of a sudden I, I go to sit down cause I think I'm going to be bleeding or something and  I delivered our baby, our baby. 

Um,  I can only imagine from Josh's point of view, the pure terror that he witnessed. Um,  I. It was just screaming at the top of my lungs. I was just like,  it was an out of body,  horrific experience. Um,  everything felt like seconds long. One second I was asleep. One second I was in the bathroom. One second  I had my baby.

One second  paramedics showed up.  Um,  and those poor, poor, those poor paramedics. EMTs, whatever they were. I,  they were the same ones that were at my house two weeks prior. Um,  they didn't know what to do. They had to, I mean, they cut the umbilical cord. I remember that one of them, they were younger, you know, younger guys.

I remember one of them asking like, how, how far along were you? And I was like, I'm only 16 weeks. I'm only 16 weeks. And they're like 16, 16 months. Like what? Like they, it was,  I obviously knew that my 16  week baby  could not survive outside of me. Um,  I remember  they  literally went into my closet and got a shoebox and had to transport our daughter in the ambulance with me there.

And at this point, I mean,  I was losing so much blood. I was not in good shape. I was,  I was not good, but, um, You know, my husband pushed for us to get to our  hospital that was ours. It was just five minutes farther away than the other hospital. And we didn't want to be there again. We needed our doctors. We needed everything.

We needed to be in the best care possible. So luckily I was. Um, taken to our, the hospital that not only I was born at, but, um, you know, the hospital we've been to for everything. Um,  and  I mean, I can't even  describe when we got there. I mean, my parents followed us. My parents got there super fast. They were there as well.

I remember being in like, yeah, like a triage room and just like thinking like, where, like, where's my baby? Where is my baby? And, um, You know, I'm, I don't even know what was going on with my body, but I remember like I, I had to, I told someone I was going to throw up. I threw up. I mean, I was,  man, they were hooking up IVs.

It was, it was utterly terrible.  Um, at some point I, we were taken to, I believe a labor and delivery room.  Um,  you know, they took care of our daughter and  she was in, um, You know, a little bassinet in the room with us, like behind a curtain.  And for someone who's never been pregnant and never given birth, and truthfully, I'd only seen a handful of like fresh newborns in my life.

I just couldn't even  wrap my brain around what my 16  week  baby,  um, was going to look like. I was scared, which made me feel ashamed because she's my daughter. Um, I remember the nurses coming in and saying, You know, do you want, do you want to hold her? Like,  and I just, at first I was like, nah, right now I remember looking at my husband and just being like, I don't know what the right answer is.

Like, I'm terrified. Like what? I don't know.  Um,  you know, finally there was a nurse that came in and was comforting and she said,  do you want to hold her?  You know, she's perfect. She's perfect.  Um,  so I was given.  My daughter told in my hands, I mean, she's was so tiny. She was four ounces. Um,  they had her, you know, in a little hat and wrapped up in a blanket.

Um,  she was, she was perfect.  10, 10 fingers, 10 toes. Um,  and after holding her, I just, I hated that. I mean, I didn't want to let her go.  It was.  It was the loss of a dream. It was the loss of a life.  All the feelings of my other daughter now seeing what a 16 week gestation baby looked like. I'm thinking of my other daughter and I can't wrap my head around like, how could I deliver  a baby slightly smaller than this and not know it? 

How could my body just  literally like drop the pregnancies? Like  man, it was,  I was just numb. I was numb through it all. And  it was a really hard time, a really hard time in our life. Um,  you know, it was confusing too, because I was just overwhelmed with grief.  But in the back of my mind, I was just like, that's not it.

Right. Like, I want to try again. Like I want, I want. This to work out and I don't know if it's like my body's like, or my mind, I should say like defense mechanism to just like, like, I need to fix it. I need to fix this.  Um, I need to keep moving forward, but that was kind of my initial reaction to everything. 

Um, you know, and, and not really knowing how any of this  works. I mean, when we were at the hospital, we were, you know, we were met with a grief counselor and the chaplain came in and, um, they were asking if we had plans for cremation or a funeral. And. I mean, I was barely wrapping my head around the fact that I was,  I wasn't even halfway through my pregnancy.

I didn't know how this worked. I couldn't even like,  and it's sad, but at that point I was like, is that what I should do like a funeral? Like, are people gonna,  it's like, I didn't feel  worthy of these options because I didn't get that far. I didn't have a full term baby. Like, I don't know why I felt this way in hindsight.

I mean, now I have a very, very different outlook of all of these things and I have processed the losses of my daughters. But  like I said, my survival technique was, I just kept.  Going, I mean, after I recovered, you know, the hospital, I can't even remember if I stayed the night,  which is terrible. Um,  you know, I was sent home and then the next day I had to follow up with my, or I don't know if it was the next day or if it was six  weeks. 

Postpartum? Like normal? I, I can't remember at this point, but like, going back to my OB's office was pretty traumatizing. You know, I have all these memories of talking to her about wanting a family and seeing my babies on the ultrasound and now I'm back there  for a postpartum visit and I have no children. 

I mean, and I didn't know anything about postpartum. I mean, I didn't even know that I was worthy of feeling postpartum feelings  because I just felt like I didn't have a full pregnancy. So like I should just move on. I should just, I'm fine. Everything's fine. I don't have to heal physically, mentally, anything.

And man, do I know now that that is just not the case? Not the case. Um, I jumped back into my work. I was working full time at this point. I was hosting events. Um, um, You know, for a big tech company, I was in community management. So I was very like forward facing online and offline.  And that was hard. That was hard because not everyone, I mean, I was hosting events with the same group of people, but it wasn't always the same people at every event.

So not everyone  got the memo about what was going on in my life.  I will never forget. I was writing a check in table at an event I was hosting. And, you know, someone came up to me and was like, Oh my gosh, like, how are the twins?  And I was just like,  uh, probably a deer in headlights because I was like, I,  sorry, I, uh, I actually had a miscarriage.

I mean, I didn't even know how to word it. I, cause again, you don't want to make the other person feel bad.  At least that's how I was. I didn't want to make anyone feel bad, but so, but I should have protected my own feelings.  Um,  so I went back to work and I, I do, I remember my boss at the time, like asking me, like, are you.

Like, how are you doing? And I was like, I thought she meant like physically, I was like, I'm good. You know, I'm doing great. You know, I didn't have my followup with my, my doctor, you know, I'm fine. And she's like, no, like, how are you doing? You know, I remember her asking, like, do you want to take any time? And like, I just, at the point, at that point, after we, You know, lost our second twin.

I was just like, I,  I don't know what else to do with myself.  I have to work to keep my mind off things.  Um, I know now that  that probably wasn't what I should have done. I should have taken time to process everything. Be kind to myself, be kind to my body, be kind to my mind and my heart. Um,  because otherwise, you know, you can't push grief away.

It will sneak up on you if you don't acknowledge it and feel your feelings. Um, and truthfully that my grief over the twins.  truthfully pushed, was pushed down for years, five years,  five years until later on in my story. And, uh, you'll, you'll understand why these feelings came back. And I  had to process for real what had happened with my daughters.

Um,  that, that whole experience,  me forever. I was robbed of the experience of pregnancy. Um, because going forward in our story, I mean, anytime I would be pregnancy for me was  truthfully ruined. At that point, I know too many things. I  could never be just ignorantly blissful again and calm in a pregnancy.

But,  um,  losing, losing babies and in that way.  Is that'll change you.  So we didn't end up doing any kind of, you know, funeral or memorial service for our girls. Um, it was, it was a hard decision because again, like I said, I just didn't really feel worthy of it and I didn't know what the right answer was and who would be there.

And  I don't know, I truthfully just wasn't in the right state of mind to handle any of that. Um, but the hospital was amazing. Um, you know, we got so many mementos.  Of our daughter, um,  we decided  that that day in the hospital that her, we had always liked the name, um, Cecilia,  Cece for short.  And so that's what we named our daughter.

And we realized we never, we don't have a name for our other daughter and my husband bless his heart. Like as they were bringing in these, like this box and a teddy bear and like all these things to remember our daughter. Um, You know, he let them know that we, we lost another daughter. We lost her twin. 

You know,  we lost her twin and we were at another hospital and they did nothing. They did nothing. There was no  certificate of life. Nothing like, like nothing had ever happened. Um, we were just sent home and said, sorry.  And. You know, that was extremely impactful. I didn't realize how impactful that whole situation at the other hospital was until experiencing,  you know, Cecilia at this hospital, um,  because everything they did for us was truly comforting, and it was  the best care we could have received in the worst situation, um,  Um, you know, we had pictures of her.

We had, they took pictures with, you know, certain items that we now have and just knowing that like she wore them or had them and they're in our possession, you know.  That's all I have. That's all we have. I have ultrasound pictures and whatever we were given from the hospital and they were so sweet. They made up a whole nother box.

Um, Yeah. for our other daughter, even though she wasn't delivered at that hospital. And, um, we named her Charlotte. It was the other name we had been contemplating. And again, we, everything happened so fast with  finding out we were having twins, finding out we were having girls.  And, and losing our girls, we just, we weren't prepared obviously.

So we, we didn't give them middle names, um, but they are precious Charlotte and Cecilia.  Um,  and I, I'm really grateful to have, you know, what we have of them to remember them by. Um, and we spent the next,  you know, six months really just,  you know, we, we talked about them. We've always been, we were open about our loss and, um, Kind of accidentally to be completely honest.

I mean, like I said, it had only been, you know, a month prior that we announced On, you know, our social media and everything that we were expecting twins, two weeks later, we had to sit, we had to share, I guess I didn't have to, but it felt necessary. I had to share that we lost a baby and then to share again that we lost another baby.

I mean, it was all so devastating. I remember just walking around and doing my normal day to day, going to work and being around friends and other people and just like feeling like I had just like a big  note on my head that said what happened.  I was just like a shell of myself and I felt like everyone just knew and like,  I don't know.

I felt like shame and pity and it was just a terrible, terrible feeling. Um, it did bring comfort to us, um, unexpectedly like sharing our losses because I got so many, obviously not the same story, but so many messages from women saying that like,  you know, I had a miscarriage as well. I've had a miscarriage.

I've had a miscarriage.  Later on, I find out that one in four pregnancies ended in miscarriage. Um, you know, obviously this isn't like the doom and gloom information you want to give a first time mom, but truthfully, like, I just think any information is good information. I mean, it's the truth. It's You're not alone.

I wasn't alone in losing my babies. I mean, obviously my story is a little  You know  a little intense. It was it but  as are all miscarriages However, it wasn't until I started talking about the details of it. Even that I realized that even in that I wasn't alone  Um,  so over this time, you know, we really were just processing everything.

So we took a pause for about Um, six months before deciding to return back to our fertility doctor  and try again.  Um,  we were kind of rubbed the wrong way right from the beginning because we got in his office hoping that he might have some insight, um, into our loss or anything, anything at all that we could grab onto to make sense of things and how we can, you know, stop this from happening again.

And he kind of just said, well,  You know, twin pregnancies, a multiple pregnancy is a high risk pregnancy. So, um, you know, genetically everything was fine. Um, we don't have any answers for you to be completely honest. He's like, I remember him saying it's,  I know it's not what you want to hear, but we don't have any options.

He's like, so,  but we're going to get you pregnant. We're going to get you a baby.  And truthfully,  I mean, I could have used,  and I'm so sorry for your loss. I could have used something along those lines. Cause yes, we were there to talk about next steps and trying again, but like,  man, like  those were babies lost.

That was traumatic. Um, so, and right away, you know, he was like, well, you're ready for IVF. We'll do IVF. Let's do IVF IVF IVF. And I just remember thinking like,  I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready for this. Um, also in regards to getting pregnant, we got pregnant with an IUI before.  A couple things, that's covered by insurance, or at least at the time for our insurance it was.

IVF  was not. It's very expensive.  We figured  if we got pregnant last time via IVF or via an IUI,  let's just do that. It's less invasive. It's less money. It worked. Let's try again.  Now, I have more information and knowledge on this now, but in hindsight, should have gone straight to  IVF. Um, because we ended up doing three more  medicated IUIs with Clomid to try and get pregnant and all the, each cycle was a negative pregnancy test.

I mean, I'm not surprised at this point. My body had been through so much with all the, all the hormones and everything.  The four rounds to get pregnant the first time and then pregnancies and deliveries and doing depression and stress that I didn't even realize I was having, um, anxiety, everything, and then more meds and hormones.

I mean,  I'm not surprised it did not work. Um,  and you know what, throughout the whole process, our office, the fertility office that we were at was just getting busier and busier and we just didn't feel like we were getting the attention that we needed. Um, so we decided to switch fertility clinics. You know, I had.

Started to join some communities online, you know, on Facebook and stuff to get some support. And, um, it's actually right around this time I started listening to podcasts and  I started listening to a podcast. It was about, you know, your fertility and fertility and everything. And they had a guest on there and it happened to be my doctor that, um, We ended up seeing, I trusted her judgment.

I loved how she explained things. Um, you know, she was a joy to listen to. You could tell she was passionate about helping women, um, get pregnant. She had her own infertility story. Um, and this podcast, I ended up listening to it. She just happened to be located in Illinois where I'm at. So.  Um, I mean, her office was about an hour away, but I was like, you know what?

I don't care. This doctor knows what she's doing. And this podcast has been so informative for me. Um,  so I went ahead and I made an appointment. We made an appointment with this doctor, um,  and  just from the beginning, she was like, you guys have been through enough. You have been through enough. You've lost enough. 

Like, let's, let's figure this out.  Um,  and so we decided it was time. We're going to go, we're going to move forward. New fertility clinic,  new doctor, and we are going to try IVF.  So  I'm going to stop my story there because as you can hear, it's. It's a doozy and it's long and, um, we're going to save this for the next episode.

We will dive into our journey with IVF.  Um, as you know, I do have two children, so stories on that to follow. Um, but that is the first half of our fertility journey. 

Thanks for listening to this re release of episode one. It's not an easy story to share, but it was important for me to get that out. So everybody knows kind of why I decided to start this podcast. It's been healing for me over the last couple of years to share my story, and I hope it gives you the courage to share yours and open up the experiences that you might be going through.

Next up, I'll be sharing part two of this story, which includes the miraculous births of my two sons. From IVF to the NICU, surgeries, hospital stays, stillbirth, and more. The next episode will tell the second half of my journey to motherhood. In the meantime, before you click out of your podcast app, please consider leaving a review for the podcast.

It is so helpful. We currently have like 75 five star reviews on Apple and even more on Spotify and all the other apps. You know, podcasting is a very interesting space to be in because you kind of just feel like you're talking into the abyss. Um, so the encouragement is always welcome in that being said, join me, join me in the motherhood intended community group on Facebook.

We have over 500 women in there, all different backgrounds, all different stages of motherhood. So join us. I'm going to be doing some fun things over the next month here as we end out the year. I'm starting a book club, I've got giveaways coming up and most importantly, I love to use that space to ask for feedback on the podcast.

I'm toying with the idea of a new segment to the show that I'm going to be launching, I believe in the new year, but I want to make sure it's what listeners want to hear because if it's up to me, I mean, I would just, I would do it all. And sometimes I just, I get so excited and it's, it's hard for me to reel it in.

So hearing from those of you who are listening to the show is always, always helpful. So everything's linked in the show notes. That's where you can write a review. That's all for today's episode. There'll be a few others coming out within the week. So stay tuned, follow the podcast on your favorite podcast apps.

You don't miss out when those go live and I will talk to you again next time. Bye for now.