*Re-Release* When Your Body Has Had Enough

Jacqueline re-shares her fertility journey including the exploration of other safe family building options like surrogacy. In this episode, she shares her family's journey into surrogacy after experiencing multiple hardships including unexplained infertility, multiple miscarriages, and the loss of a child due to a placental abruption. Following the advice of her doctor, Jacqueline explores the challenges of finding a gestational surrogate through an agency, including complex medical and personal considerations such as BMI, recent childbirth history, and geographic location. Despite initial setbacks, Jacqueline and her husband decide to keep their options open by working with an agency while also searching for an independent surrogate.

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Transcript

Are you tired of scrolling your feed only to see the highlight reel version of motherhood? If so, then you're in the right place. Welcome to the motherhood intended podcast. I'm your host, Jacqueline Baird, and I'm a passionate mom here to support women like you in their unique journeys to and through motherhood.

I have been through it all. We're going to be talking about things like trying to conceive, infertility, IVF, surrogacy, mom life, and more. It's time to get real about what it takes to be a mom and come together in the fact that. Things don't always go as planned. So here we go. 

Hey friends, welcome back to another episode of Motherhood Intended. I am here with my daughter Lorelei on my lap. Plans to record this intro,  per usual and per the theme of this podcast did not go as planned. So little miss is here on my lap, which I find very fitting because this episode is re releasing the third episode  which talks about the surrogacy portion of our journey, and it has really been interesting listening to that.  I have not listened to it in two years. And at that point, you know, we were signed with an agency and still just figuring it all out and listening to how I felt and where we were at in that moment now.

With my seven month old daughter on my lap, is very humbling and just crazy to think, where we are at two years later. So If you yourself are going through surrogacy, and want a raw emotional point of view of the process, this episode is me two years ago. And now I'm sitting here with my baby born via surrogacy. So just super wild to me. Oh yeah. We're grabbing the mic. That's fun, isn't it? That's fun. We are recording this as a video right now.

So, um, I don't know. It'll be up on YouTube one day when I have the time to do all of that, or when I find somebody to help me. In the meantime, I'll try and share a clip on Instagram so you can see miss Lorelei sitting at my desk with me by the mic for the first time. Can you say hi?

Not yet. Not yet. We say mama, we say baba, which is what she's waiting for. And we shake our head no.  Okay. So without further ado, this is the re release of episode three of this entire podcast. If you're new to the show, please take a listen. Go back and listen to the previous two episodes to hear my fertility journey in full.

And then at the end of this original recording, I will kind of give you a quick up to date from where this leaves off,  okay, take a listen.

To give you the quick recap of our story. We.  Struggled with unexplained infertility, did about seven IUIs back in 2015, 2016, and we got pregnant with twins.

I miscarried the twins in my second trimester, went on to switch clinics, switched OBs, went on to do IVF, had our wonderful son, our oldest, who's about to be five, through a fresh transfer with IVF.  He was born prematurely, spent 120 days in the NICU because he was born at 24 weeks.  After that, we did a frozen embryo, well, a lot of things happened in between, so we have to go back and listen, but a quick recap is like, then we did a frozen embryo transfer, had our second son, who is three now. 

He was born full term via C section,  went on to be surprised by getting pregnant naturally. That has never happened in seven, eight years. Never could get pregnant on our own. Got pregnant, then unfortunately our daughter was born stillborn at 20 weeks due to a placental abruption. So that's kind of where I left off.

We got the autopsy results of our daughter about a year ago, January. 2022, and we let that information sink in before following up and meeting again with our doctor at maternal fetal medicine, which is the high risk doctor at the hospital.  So this was still kind of like during COVID times and because it is the hospital, obviously, and maternal fetal medicine, and it was a consult, it was nothing of urgency.

They were only allowing one person at the meeting. So I wasn't able to do the follow up with Josh with me. I had to go myself, which was. It's a little stressful only because it was a big deal and it was a moment where I was going to be talking to our doctor, get his take on everything that happened with Marin and try and figure out where do we go from here.

And I had a lot of mixed feelings because we really wanted another child and we had these six embryos. Left and we knew that we had our other two boys safely with us due to, they were from our embryos. Our girls that we lost were not, those were not embryos that were created. That was through insemination and then getting pregnant on our own.

So there was this part of me that was just felt like, I know this can happen for us. Like we, we worked hard. For these embryos and that's why our boys are here and we just need to,  I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. I also knew deep down that at this point I was very scared and the thought of becoming pregnant again, just going through a pregnancy again was just almost  too much to handle.

Like I would do anything for my kids, but. That's also the point I would do anything for my kids. And this time around, my health was very much at risk and I was scared. I mean, I was scared  for my safety. There's three doctors in the practice and I made it with the one who has been very dear to our heart over the years.

He's been very helpful and he was the one who did our ultrasound with Hunter and comforted us when we learned about his club feet. So I knew this conversation had to happen with him. He's always been very candid with us.  And that's what I needed. So  I was prepared for an appointment that was going to be filled with tears.

And I was right. It was very hard to control my emotions. Not that I had to, but I actually did better than I thought there was something comforting about this conversation. It was more comforting than I realized.  So I started asking him, what is your take on what happened? I mean, the autopsy shows  placental abruption. 

Do you have any insight? And, uh, the doctor said. I consulted with even the other doctors in the practice about this. He said, we  are truthfully at a loss. Like we are stumped. We  can't quite, we won't know for sure. It, he's like placental abruption. He's like, in hindsight, like, could that have been an issue and why you lost?

The twins, he's like the way you delivered, but then there's no question that your cervix  is an issue as well, because  with Hunter and that opening so early, and then him being born through your cerclage, and there's so many different variables in every one of your pregnancies, he said, and I asked him, I said,  I know we might not have answers specifically as to what had happened and why, obviously, you know, Placental abruption.

I know. We don't know why because again, I didn't have any of the risk factors for this What what could happen differently if I were to become pregnant  again, I said i'm definitely not ready to be pregnant I don't even know how I feel about it yet But i'm just wondering like what would that look like  and he said  i'm gonna be completely honest with you He's like we've known each other for a while I have no problem  being candid with you because I know you I know your husband.

I know the beautiful family You That you have and I think I would be doing you a disservice if I wasn't completely honest with you and I said Absolutely. That's why I wanted to meet with you  and our doctor said  could you get pregnant again? He said yes He's like obviously IVF has it's been successful for you.

He said  do I think it's  safe for you to carry a pregnancy?  He said honestly No, he said could it go well? Yeah, could it also go terribly wrong? Yes, there is not enough information to prevent any one thing from happening. He said, there's nothing I could do differently going forward. He's like, there might be one more thing I could try, but it would truly just be like throwing shit at the wall and hoping it sticks. 

And I think that was a direct quote, which made me laugh.  And I was like, okay, okay. And  he said, I know how much your family means to you. And if I'm being honest, he's like, I am not comfortable with you carrying another pregnancy.  He said, you are at high risk of uterine rupture at this point.  And he explained it to me further.

And I didn't even realize this, but  you know, first I had the abdominal surgery, which was like a smaller C section incision to place  the trans abdominal surplus prior to having our son Noah,  then  I had a C section. At 37 weeks with Noah. Then with Marin, I had to have a C section  when she was born. So  it's three abdominal surgeries.

Now, as soon as I got the circulation put in and I knew we wanted a big family, this is when I thought everything would just be fine from here on out.  Remember asking my OB, I'm like, how many C sections? Can you have like how many is safe to have? And she was like, honestly, it all depends on your scar tissue and how everything heals.

She's like three C sections is the standard after that gets a risk increases.  And I said, okay. Cause at that point we had one child. And in theory, we were like, we want like three more. So if you think it's safe, but also we were just like, let's do one at a time and let's just focus on that and we'll see how it goes.

But this is good information to have.  Now, in my situation where I had the abdominal surgery, then a full term C section, and then a C section with Marin at 20 weeks, which  technically I learned they don't even call it a C section at that point. I don't understand what's the difference. Like it's some sort of other term for that surgery when she was born, but how he explained it to me, I'm at even greater risk of uterine rupture because when you have a C section full term, your uterus and your belly is like.

Fully stretched out, right?  So then it shrinks back in, the scar tissue forms.  So now I'm having a C section halfway through my pregnancy at 20 weeks. And so my uterus isn't completely stretched out. So it's a smaller incision, the baby's smaller, all of the things.  Well, if I were to get pregnant again, scar tissue and that incision is just going to expand even more.

So I'm at an even more increased risk for uterine rupture going forward after that last procedure with Marin.  And I'm glad he explained that to me because I didn't understand that. I'm always like, I can do anything. My body can do anything. And that's just not true. Like things.  Get riskier and riskier, the more we add into the mix, unfortunately.

So  after hearing that, I think he was a little surprised. He's like,  you seem calm,  meaning like when he told me I don't feel comfortable  with you carrying another pregnancy. Obviously I can do what I want, but his medical advice is it's not a good idea. And I trust his medical advice completely. And he's like, you just seem very calm.

And I was like, yeah.  Yeah, it's confusing. Obviously, that's really hard to hear.  I was not prepared to never be pregnant  again. Like I said, I felt my pregnancy with Mirren was flawless until that day, the day that everything went wrong. And the fact knowing that I finally got pregnant on my own, like, the world of possibilities just seemed so great at that point.

I was just like, wow, like,  we did it. We can do this. I can do this.  So I was not prepared. Even remotely prepared to hear that  I probably won't be pregnant ever again, but at the same time  I did. It felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders and when he said, when I saw you on the schedule, I knew you were here for one or two reasons.

One,  it was because you needed to talk to me about, you wanted  my permission and you wanted to talk to me about having another baby.  He said, or two,  I think you were coming for permission  to say it's It's okay to stop trying.  And honestly, it was a little bit of both. I realized I didn't think I would feel such a weight lifted off of me knowing like the option to carry another baby was just truthfully off the table.

I thought I would be a lot more upset about it, but it was like a little piece of all of my trauma was lifted off my shoulders. And it wasn't on me anymore. I mean, the want was still the same. I longed, I still long for  more children on earth, but how they got here  became less important at this point, the thought of just starting to work through everything and my marriage and getting everything back on track after everything we had been through  seemed impossible.

Very freeing. So it ended up being a really great conversation. My husband, of course,  was also happy to hear this. I mean, he's terrified. He didn't want anything to happen to me. Of course. Like he did not want me.  I think after that, I mean, he was just no, like we're done. We're done. I don't care. Cause again, it's a different point of view from him, right?

Like I am feeling  like it's up to me. I can do anything. I will give us the family we've always wanted. I want to be pregnant. I just want to know what it's like to just be. Blissfully, happily pregnant. And I kept thinking that I was going to get that. And  it's just not the case. That's not my story. It was never going to be blissful  ever since we lost the twins.

I mean, when you have a miscarriage or  anything traumatic that doesn't go as planned in a pregnancy, it changes everything, right? Too much has happened. There's no going back. That is your experience going forward. And that's all you can do is go forward with what you have. So.  My husband was relieved and he was on board and he trusts our doctor just as much as I do and He was like, okay, then, you know, you will not be pregnant again.

Honestly, he was probably glad  that being said I mean he  Wanted a family too. At this point, the idea of finding another way to grow our family was probably more top of mind for me than it was my husband. I think he was just really relieved to take a break from everything. And I was very,  I don't know why I'm this way, but I was very like, okay,  information, I need to process this.

And then I'm going to figure out what's next.  And I did. And for me, it was like,  honestly, very healing to just know that there are other options out there outside of my own body has a different path and people are quick  to mention to women who are either going through infertility or people always love to say like, Oh, well, why don't you just adopt?

Why don't you just adopt then? Why don't you just adopt?  And adoption is a phenomenal option. For a lot of people, but the thing is, is everyone has a different story and different reasons why you got to this point in your life where you are trying to decide how you can have a child. And our story led us initially to IVF and wanting biological children.

And if our story was different and say, we didn't have as many embryos or I don't know, we could play the what if game all the time, but I think. Sure, then like adoption might have been an option for us, because I don't know if I would have done multiple, multiple rounds of IVF. I'm not sure, but because we did that, and we have all these embryos, and I have children from the embryos, it gives me a different outlook on these things.

Precious embryos that we created in my head. They're, they're almost,  I've never thought of them as children because that is just too much for me. Like that is, I mean, we have to sign so many things that say like, what if something happens to us? What do they do with the embryos? Do you want to dispose of them?

Put them up for embryo adoption, donate them to science. For me, thinking about each embryo as a baby is just too much for me. Knowing we had so many and knowing like we weren't about to have eight children. Like with every single embryo, not saying they would all work out. It's just,  I couldn't think of it like that.

Cause then I would think of leaving them behind. Like they're strictly embryos to me until I'm pregnant. And then they are our baby, but I had to think of them as embryos. That being said, I just know the possibilities of these embryos now. I'm staring at them every single day with my beautiful sons who make our life so fulfilled and amazing.

That is the reason why we were strongly pulled to use our embryos  to try and have a child, which brought us to surrogacy. Now, I didn't know a lot about surrogacy because  I mean, I only really knew like what you see on TV and what you hear. I don't know if anyone has seen the, it's an old movie now, but with Tina Fey, the movie baby mama, like that's what I had in my head.

Someone is going to scam you or try and steal your baby or just someone who wants to make money. My opinion was so skewed. So naturally I'm not one to judge quickly. So I like to do my research and I did. I looked up a bunch of things about surrogacy and got a lot of information. And I just,  The problem was truthfully, we were only a few months post our  daughter dying.

So I mentally wasn't a hundred percent ready to jump into this, but a quick Google search showed me that it's a long process.  Surrogacy is a long process, especially with COVID. Everything is taking longer. There is a lot of intended parents and not a lot of surrogates. In 2020, a lot of people's family planning got put on hold, right?

So now that everything has opened up and stuff over the last year or two, now everyone's like, okay, we're ready to grow our family. This is what we want to do. And so there's so many. Parents out there trying to have a baby and also because of COVID, there's just not as many surrogates out there available and willing to do this for a lot of different reasons.

One of them being that like for most fertility clinics, they require you to be vaccinated in order to be a surrogate. So if you're working with an agency or going through a fertility clinic, which most everyone has to do, you have to be vaccinated. Well, there's a lot of women out there who would have been willing to be a surrogate.

But aren't willing to be vaccinated. And that's just one of the many reasons why I'm sure there's a shortage of surrogates. I mean, I think it's getting better at this point, but  you know what, this was January, 2022,  when I was  doing all of this research and everything I looked at said it could take into 24 months from the time you sign with, start researching to having a baby.

So that was a long time. We weren't ready to have a baby now, but we also didn't want to start the process. And then four years go by and then we finally maybe have a baby. So I started with my research and the first thing I did was  in true form. I started listening to podcasts to learn more, which is how I came across a couple of different agencies.

I guess I should start with, for those who don't understand surrogacy are unfamiliar as I was, if you're thinking it's like baby mama style, it's not.  I mean, I guess it can be if you, if someone doesn't do their research and it's Using Sally Jo from down the street, but, but no, it is much more involved in that.

And it is. Pretty amazing, the women that do this. So  traditional surrogacy is when you are using a woman and her egg  and then a sperm donor or your own sperm to have a baby. And so it is her genetics and yours and she carries the baby. The other form of surrogacy is called gestational surrogacy. A gestational surrogate.

A gestational surrogate is what we would use in our position and that is  a woman who is going to carry your embryo. So Josh and I have six frozen embryos. We would use one of our embryos, which is completely our genetic makeup, and she would carry the pregnancy. So our baby would not be in any way genetically related to her.

She is simply carrying the pregnancy for us,  which is truly amazing that there are women out there that would do this. I mean,  man, is it like one of the biggest gifts that you could Give somebody and I'm so grateful that these women exist. I mean, I I've met people in my circles and stuff who just absolutely have loved pregnancy.

Like, Oh, I just love being pregnant. I feel so great when I'm pregnant, all these things. My point of view  is so skewed. I'm just like, wow, like pregnancy is terrible. It is scary. It is. Oh, it is just, I just have such a skewed opinion on pregnancies. So even more so when I see women wanting to do this for someone else, I mean, I was skeptical at first, right?

I was like, why would anyone want to do this? But the more research I did, the more I learned. My story is not the normal. There are so many women out there who thrive being pregnant and who have had. Wonderful pregnancies of their own and most of the women who become surrogates for other people are closely tied to someone who has struggled with infertility or having a family of their own.

And this is why they want to help other people do this, which is honestly amazing. When I initially started my research on surrogacy, it was pretty overwhelming. Everything from laws to  protocols and contracts and Finding a surrogate and  qualifications and just  everything involved. I was like, how does one person figure this all out on their own?

We have already been through a lot and I've already had to wrap my head around the idea of somebody else carrying my baby. I'm like, I don't want it to be. difficult. Like I want this to go flawlessly. I want an experience that isn't going to stress us out because I don't think my husband and I can handle it.

Like I think we've hit our max  of trauma and I just need this to be easy. I know it's not going to be easy in regards to, it's going to be a huge financial burden on us emotionally. It's going to take some time for us to fully get on board and wrap our head around this idea. But from start to finish, I just want it to be  easier.

I know it's not going to be my body, so right off the bat, there's that. But then I also know there's going to be a lot of other different emotions involved in this process that I have no idea about. I have no idea how I'm going to feel or handle things. So yeah, after researching all the different aspects and all the timeline of how surrogacy should work, I mean, I just was like, how does anybody do this and do it right?

Like, it's such an important thing. Like, especially the legal side of things. That scared me a lot. I was like, I, wow, like, this is our child. So that is in somebody.  Else's body. And  how do you find someone you trust enough to not only take care of your child, but to know that when this child is born, everything  is done properly and the baby comes in your care.

And it's just,  that scared me a little bit. So  it was after that initial search that I was like, okay, I don't,  I don't know if we can do this. on our own. There's got to be an easier way,  which is when I started looking on podcasts to find out more information. It was after listening to a couple of podcasts regarding surrogacy that I came across two surrogacy agencies.

So I dove into their podcasts a little bit, explained to my husband what they do, what they handle. I purposely  left out The cost with my husband initially, because I first wanted him to understand what this looks like, like, what does it mean to have a gestational surrogate? And then I gave him like the rough breakdown that Google gave me of how much this might cost.

But I reassured him, I'm like, but we've already done the IVF part. We already have embryos, so that's good. That will cut down on that cost.  Um, and then, I set up some consultations for us. So the consultations were extremely helpful. If anyone is even considering using a surrogate, even if you don't end up going the agency route,  set up a consultation because we just got so much information from both of the agencies we talked with about how they do things, what the process looks like, especially the wait times.

That was when things became extremely eyeopening in regards to how long it would take to be matched with a surrogate. And like I mentioned before, everything was taking a little bit longer at this time. And that's the other thing, like, depending what kind of agency you go with, their wait times will be different as well.

One of the agencies we talked to is a smaller agency that's local. And while you get. Very attentive care and they're a great agency. They just don't have the resources as say the other agency we talked to. That's a bigger agency offices across the country, a lot more resources, a lot more marketing resources, which is huge right now for finding surrogates.

So that wait time was a little bit shorter. So after talking with both of them, we did decide like, okay, we definitely want to, we want to go with an agency because we just, we're still grieving and we, we need help. We want to get this done. Process started, but it literally sounds like it would be a full time job just Trying to find a surrogate alone.

I was working part time at the time. Josh was working full time. We have the boys and we're only three months after losing our daughter. So we really wanted to get the ball rolling, but truthfully wanted to be pretty hands off at this point because we just weren't ready, but again, we know it takes a while, so we did want to get it started. 

So out of those two consultations that we had, we did decide to go with one of the agencies that we talked to. It included a lot of conversations between Josh and I to really figure out, like, are we, are we doing this? Are we gonna, this is what we're gonna do? And aside from the conversations of just being like, this is how we want to grow our family, like, we're both on the same page.

We're okay with this. This is, What we want to do with our embryos. Then there was the whole financial piece, which truthfully, I mean,  over the years between IVF and medical bills regarding anything with Hunter, I mean, the NICU stay and his surgeries and therapies and my month long stay in the hospital on bedrest with Noah, and I mean, like we've just, in the last,  Four years had had a lot of  expenses as it relates to like medical bills and we found out, I mean, things like IVF, that was not covered for us.

Obviously we had insurance for most everything else, but that didn't take away all of the costs. We, we had a lot of bills. I mean, even, even a couple emergency room between our kids, Noah had, Noah bumped his head on the bed and had to have staples to close a gash in his head. But. See, Hunter had some respiratory issues and had to be taken an ambulance to two different hospitals and spent three days in the hospital with respiratory issues.

So it's like, it was just one thing after another. So financially we were like, okay,  well, we've done this before. We figured this out before, but what are our, what are our options? Because, and I'm going to be pretty candid about costs. I mean, you can do your own research as, as it relates to surrogacy.

There is a range and there's a lot of variables that, that.  account for the range in cost for surrogacy, anything from like Doing an independent journey, meaning you're going to do everything on your own, find your lawyer, find your surrogate. Maybe you're using a family member and that's why you're going to do an independent journey.

Maybe you're using a friend. There's those costs. There's the cost of IVF. There's the cost of, it depends where you live, how much it costs. And then of course, when you do use an agency, it costs more money. I mean, you're not getting all this help and support and resources for nothing. So  it is not.  Cheap it is a big expense,  but we truthfully we've learned that and everyone's story is different So I am truly only speaking for us I know that we are very lucky to have These things accessible to us and we've worked really hard to make these things possible for ourselves But I know that's not the case for everyone.

Not everyone has the ability to do IVF not everyone has the ability to adopt or to  Use a surrogate to grow their family. So that is not lost on me, but we have worked very hard to put ourselves in the best position. All of the choices we've made over the last decade have been for our kids before we even knew how we, how they would get here.

The jobs we've taken, the houses we've bought, we have lived in a way that has made it possible for us to make the best choices to grow our family without.  Truly drowning financially and it's, it's been a lot of sacrifice, a lot of sacrifice, but there's no doubt in either of our minds that it has been worth it.

We have our beautiful children and we know we hope to have more. So we just know that money in the long run  is going to be bottom of the list. We will figure it out. We will make it work. Um,  But yeah, it took a lot of, a lot of planning and a lot of playing out scenarios of how we could manage a surrogacy journey using an agency.

One of the reasons we went with this agency is because they have an all in package, meaning  everything is not like nickel and dime. It's not like you pay this and then you pay this and you pay this for that and that and that. Everything is included in one. You pay one fee, you pay basically half of it when you sign with the agency.

And the other half of the payment when you accept a match with a surrogate.  So that. Especially for my husband who is pretty much the sole breadwinner of our family and was at that point seemed very manageable even though the number was big, it's like, okay, we're not going to be surprised with like a legal fee here and then this because the thought of that just felt like for the next two years, we are going to be stressed and constantly managing money and everything and like on top of like regular life. 

The idea of just having two payments and everything was up front of what was included, there would not be any surprises. And this means everything from like multiple transfers, if it doesn't work, if the surrogate happens to go on bedrest or need a C section or anything that could come up is included in the price  for this all in surrogacy package.

So  it's a big number. It, I mean, this whole thing is costing 150, 000. Which  we could not dwell on for too long, because if we thought about that number.  For too long. That is a very scary number. It seems completely impossible. It seems, I mean, no one has, okay. I shouldn't say no one. Most people don't just like have that lying around and like their savings.

I'm like, Oh, rainy day. Perfect. I've been wondering what I was going to do with this 150, 000.  Yeah, no, that's not,  that's, I wouldn't think that's the norm. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's not the norm for us. So we really had to dive in and take a look at our finances and our options and figure out how. 

We're going to do this. So  I'll probably take another episode and dive into the logistics of that for anyone else who is considering surrogacy. I would love for people to know how we did it. I'll probably make it a bonus episode. I hate talking about money, but also it's just real life. It's just real life.

I mean, I would be lying if I didn't mention the fact that IVF and surrogacy and things like this  are, I hate to use this word, but it's,  it's like a luxury. It's, I hate that it's not accessible to all people. I hate how expensive it is. I understand for the most part why it's so expensive. It's.  It's crazy.

And I am going to take a bonus episode one day and break it down as to how we have afforded everything, the choices we've made. And when I say afforded, I should say the sacrifices that we have made, because this is a priority for us. I know people are going to hear that now and be like, are you crazy?

Like, why, why would you pay that much money to have a baby?  And truthfully,  I'm not even going to answer that question because everyone has their own feelings. Everyone has their own experiences and their own stories that  lead you to make the decisions that you make. And that was the right decision for us.

So  we figured out the first half of this deposit to sign with the agency,  figured out how we were going to at least handle that. And truthfully, part two of the payment, we're like, All right, we'll figure it out. We will figure it out. We still, we got some options, but that's still a little bit of a question mark for the second part. 

So we signed with our agency after talking with them, very excited. We had to have a meeting with our matching expert, which it was basically like an interview with us. We happened to be on vacation with my in laws and luckily our family was able to like occupy the boys where we went up to the hotel for an hour and had this interview, but we didn't want to put it off.

Cause we just wanted to get the ball rolling. So we're like, okay. This actually works out because we'll have built in childcare. Yeah, we're on vacation. It's not ideal, but this is important to us. So we went up to the hotel, popped up on my laptop, hopped on zoom and did the interview. And  it was weird because she's our matching expert was really just trying to get to know us better.

And like what we're looking for in a surrogate, we had to tell her about our story and a little bit about our family, but I couldn't help, but feel like it was like an interview. I kept feeling like I needed to prove that I was worthy of getting a baby. Like it kind of felt like we were doing an adoption where you like get interviewed and like, I just.

Really wanted to sell us as like this, like awesome couple and how worthy we are. Like we were great parents and we just really want this. And finally, I'm thank God. My husband is just like unapologetically himself at all times because that calmed me down. If he wasn't there, I probably would have been like a weird version of myself that was like slightly phony, but not on purpose.

You know what I mean? Like I just wanted it to go well. So thankfully us together is a good team because  I calmed down and we just had a very candid, relaxed conversation with our matching expert, which was the very first step after signing with the agency, which I told you, we started our research in January, 2022.

We finally signed with the agency. It was the end of May. I think it was like May 20th, 2022.  And that's because in that time, I did a lot of research. We talked to another agency and a lot of that time was figuring out financials. I mean,  we had to look at all options. So  it took us about four months before we were confidently ready to sign with the agency.

And they had told us in the meeting that at that point, it would take eight to 11 months. To match us with a surrogate  and so we were like, okay, so after we signed I mean, it's just kind of been like a waiting game. We're just waiting which truthfully. I'm glad we got the ball rolling because  No, we were not ready to think about  next steps and another child But,  you know, from say June 1st, when they started looking for a mattress until now it is January, we still don't have a match and I'll get into that a little bit in a little while, but we've been able to just truly be hands off of the subject, knowing that we're moving forward with trying to have another baby. 

But not having to do anything. Our agency has been out there looking for a match for us and that has been  What we needed right now. We it's given us time. I've learned a lot more about surrogacy I've met other moms who are going through surrogacy. I've talked to people who are surrogates. I mean Like anything I've learned, you start opening up and you start talking about these things.

It is amazing who you will meet, not only to support you, but to put you in touch with other people. And  it has been crazy. The amount of people I've met that have no, someone who have had to go through this. And in my mind, I was like, I don't know any.  Straight couple who has used a surrogate, like to the point where I started to feel kind of like unworthy of it.

I was like, who am I? And, and this is another thing that like therapy has had to help with too. It's like, who am I to like, try and have, like, I should just be grateful. I should just be grateful that I have two children. Like, why do I think I deserve this? And all, and all these things, like I should leave the surrogates for those who have like had cancer and like, can't carry their own baby or homosexual couples who need the help of a surrogate.

Like, I'm just like, why. Who do I think I am?  But after a lot of therapy and a lot of  talks, honestly, with like my mom and my husband, I've learned that everyone, you can't, first off, you can't compare yourself to everyone else. Everyone has their own story. And it's this, it's if I was acting like we've just had a walk in the park this whole time, like  we do have our own story and our own reasons for surrogacy.

And we are so, so very, you know, Thankful that it exists. So once we signed with the agency and they had started looking  for a match for us, there wasn't much for us to do in the meantime, like I said, there was only a couple of things. One was to, we obviously had to touch base with our fertility clinic, let them know what they're doing, connect them with our agency, and then we had it, we both had to update like our blood panels.

Just to make sure everything's up to date, which was a little confusing at first. Cause I was like,  but the embryos are already made and it won't be in my body. I wasn't fully understanding that, but it wasn't a big deal. We both had to do like a quick blood test. We had a consult with our fertility doctor.

We were thinking about at this point, having our embryos genetically tested. Like, like I mentioned in the second episode, we did not end up doing that. At the time, when we went through IVF, I was 29. We didn't have any like, um, Family history of anything that stood out. So we just didn't think it was that important at the time to add the extra expense and have to do a frozen transfer right off the bat when we wanted to do a fresh transfer.

So we just didn't test at that point. Now, at this point, we are trying to eliminate  any kind of. Risk. We want to make sure that we are choosing the safest options possible because again, we're investing even more now, like financially. And we have been through so much and we just want this to go well. So we decided, you know what, we need to make sure that we are putting in the healthiest embryo and making sure that we're just making safe decisions here.

We want this to go well for everyone, including the surrogate. So the only thing we were worried about was that we remembered  when we had a while back about doing genetic testing. I was curious if you could do that once you freeze your embryos and our doctor told us that you can. There is like a less than one percent chance of one of the embryos not surviving the thaw. 

So if you don't test your embryos right away, which at this point, and you'll understand why in a second, it would be my suggestion that  you genetically test your embryos from the start.  I know it is an added expense, but I think even if you are young, it is important to do because it will save you heartache of transfers not working, miscarriage,  honestly, and more, and just not realizing that you might not have as many healthy embryos as you thought, even if you got a bunch of embryos.

from IVF. So with testing frozen embryos, they have to thaw the embryos,  biopsy them,  test that biopsy, and then they're refreezing  the embryos. Now, our doctor said there is a less than 1 percent chance that you can lose an embryo.  In the thawing process. So we're like, okay, well, we have six. So we feel pretty good.

Even if we happened to be the 1 percent that lost one in the thaw, we'd still have five embryos and we're feeling pretty confident. So we're like, okay, you know what? It's more important that we know the information to make the best decision possible for transferring an embryo. Because at this point going into surrogacy, we don't really know what the rest of the road looks like for us.

I mean, we've never done this before. And truthfully, just based on. Facts, we just know that is extremely expensive and we might have just this one shot to try it. We might just have one more child, hopefully by the grace of God. So we're not really looking too far into the future. We're just thinking, okay, this is the next step.

Even if we have five embryos,  we're just trying to have one baby. So I think we're good.  So we had them tested and I have to say that we were pretty Blindsided by the results naively, I just thought, I mean, all of our embryos, like I said before, we're graded a,  now,  I guess I didn't truly understand the difference, meaning like the gray that they're given the embryo, I think is like more of a, like a structural rating, right?

Like,  this is a great a, like, the chances of it implanting are good based on the way the embryo looks and whatever, like, none of that has anything to do with genetics. That's why you have your embryos genetically tested.  After genetically testing our embryos,  well, first off, like I said, we had six frozen. 

When we got the call from the embryologist, we were told that one was lost in the thaw.  So now we have five, because clearly we're really good at shitty odds. I've told my husband that we should play  the lottery because we always go against the odds, and it felt like all of our odds are always on the shitty side.

But truthfully, Hunter is proof that That's not true. I mean, he had a 50 percent chance of survival and then like all these other horrible statistics and he has beat every single one of them. So I don't know. Odds are weird. And so we were the one of the ones that were less than 1 percent chance of losing an embryo.

So now we have five frozen embryos that were tested.  Of the five,  two came back abnormal,  one was labeled mosaic, and two  were  normal, healthy embryos.  So obviously I'm reading this result and I'm like,  what?  I'm sorry, what? Like out of five, first I'm wrapping my head that, okay, we had six. Now we have five, which I assume would just be like a given, like, okay, we're good.

Like maybe there was one that wasn't great, but like, no.  So two are abnormal. One showed an extra chromosome, which points towards trisomy 21, which is down syndrome  and the other abnormal embryo was missing a chromosome.  With the abnormal embryos, we wouldn't choose to transfer those. Because the chances of them actually becoming a viable pregnancy are very low.

And then even if it did become a pregnancy, there's a high chance of miscarriage. And then if the baby did survive, like I said, at least the one embryo we know would be Down syndrome. And that just alone, those facts just opened up my eyes to so many things. It's such a weird experience going through IVF and having all this information and having to make decisions of what could be.

And as someone who is. Very strong in my faith. It can get very confusing. And sometimes you almost feel like you're playing God when you are dealing with these embryos and everything. So I've constantly had to like turn to my faith and bring it back, knowing that, like, it may feel like it's in my hands, but it's not, it's not in my hands.

We're making decisions based on the knowledge that we have and what we feel is best. But  at the end of the day, like God is the one who is. knows our plans. So that was crazy to hear. So we have the two abnormal  embryos. Then the one that was labeled mosaic is what we had to talk to our doctor about further because I wasn't understanding what that meant.

And what I learned is that when an embryo is labeled a mosaic embryo, basically when they were testing these embryos, they are taking like five to 10 cells from the embryo. to test and biopsy. So that's just like a sampling of the cells of the embryo. Typically, that's enough to know that you've got this many normal cells, which means that's a normal embryo.

You've got this many abnormal cells out of the sample. That's an abnormal embryo. Well, when it's mosaic, it's kind of saying like,  They don't really have enough information or based off of the sample, so like it could go either way is my understanding  a doctor can correct me if I'm wrong. But from what I was told, and when I looked up, that is, that is what that means. 

So, and then we have 2 perfectly healthy embryos that are viable for a transfer.  So,  this whole time, we thought we had 6 embryos that we were working with, and that has whittled down now to 2, which was eye opening as well. And it took us.  A minute to adjust our thinking being like, wow,  we have two chances  to have one healthy baby and then that's it.

Those are, those are embryos. I mean, maybe, and this is something we haven't talked about or looked into or talked to my doctor about further, but like, maybe at that point we would learn a little bit more about what the risks are and what, what a mosaic embryo looks like. means even further, but you know, in our heads, we have two healthy embryos that are viable for transfer.

So  that was eyeopening as well, because now we're like, wow, like,  gosh, what if it, what if the first transfer doesn't work? Then we have one. And it's just, it's crazy. It's just, we had to start wrapping our minds around like, okay, well, this is, this is what we've got. We are not going to do IVF again. We did decide that.

So.  If these embryos don't work with a surrogate, then that's where our family lands. That is,  that's the end of the road for our family and we will be completely happy and fulfilled  as we are with our sons. This is just what life is for us. This is what the plan was. This is God's plan. So,  the other thing that, like, really got us after realizing what these results were is, like, wow.

I mean,  Out of these embryos and we'll just say seven since we did lose one and we don't have information on that one embryo and we had the five that were tested and then our boys, like our boys were not tested embryos and they were both chosen and they were perfectly  normal. Obviously, like embryos worked, IVF worked on the first try with both of them.

They are healthy children. It's wild that they got chosen at random out of those embryos  to, to be here with us today. Knowing that there was, there's a lot in there that wouldn't have worked out. And it got me thinking like, wow, like  I can't imagine if it turned out differently. Like they could have chosen one of the abnormal embryos and put that in.

And that would have been just another miscarriage for us. Or we could have had, went on to have a child with  health issues. And  then we'd be navigating that and maybe, and I'm, there's nothing wrong with that, but that could have been our story. Like  the biggest thing that got me was the heartache that could have happened to us based off of chance and based off of if a different embryo was chosen.

Even with like, at this point, if we didn't test them and we went into surrogacy with so many embryos that might not turn into pregnancy, I mean, that is just,  it's a lot. So my biggest.  Advice would be to have your embryos genetically tested, especially when you're going through IVF and you're already  kind of controlling every step of the way.

I think that the more information you have, the better to make the safest decisions for your physical health, your emotional health, and your mental health. You want to transfer the healthiest embryo. So yeah, now we know we have two healthy embryos frozen and waiting,  waiting for a surrogate to help bring them here to us.

We did find out the sex of just the two healthy embryos. We did not want  all of the information. I didn't want to know the sex of all of the embryos, especially if they weren't going to be used. But the two healthy embryos, we did find out the sex. And we are keeping that to ourself. Maybe when we find a surrogate and she's pregnant and we are like, like I said, I don't really have a threshold of safety, but maybe,  maybe at some point we will, we will announce what  we are expecting, but it doesn't matter. 

It doesn't matter. We are just hoping to add  a healthy baby to our family.  So.  Where does that bring us today? So we tested our embryos and then we waited and waited and waited and waited. And then  it was  end of October, 2022 of this last year,  we got an email. I think it was like nine o'clock at night. My husband was already asleep and I was on my phone and I like nudged him.

I was like, Oh my God. Oh my God. Wake up. We got an email from the, from The agency  and it said, I something along the lines of we have a match. We would love to present you with. Here's the profile. Look it over. Let us know if you'd love to move forward  and set up a match meeting.  So,  and at this point, I have to point out that, like, the other tasks that we were given.

As we're waiting is to create a family profile for ourselves. And I kept putting it off, kept putting it off. I don't know why to the point where I started looking into it, like a lot and like talking to my therapist, like, is there a reason why you think I haven't made our surrogacy profile yet? Like,  I think it was just another layer of accepting that that's where we're at in the journey.

And also then it becomes real.  And now I, especially after finding out that like, we have the two embryos, which I'm I should say like those from my point of view, just from thinking we had six down to two healthy ones. Like I know there are so many, so many people out there who would be so happy just to have two embryos or have one embryo.

I mean, it's not lost on me the amount of women that go through IVF and don't even get any home embryos. So just know that this is just my point of view in our situation from what I thought we had down to what we have. So I think I also just wasn't ready to like, accept that this process was starting.

If that makes sense, even though if I wanted it, I don't know, I kept putting it off, didn't make our profile. So then we were given this profile to look at. And I was like, that was my moment where I was like, Oh, I'm so excited. This is really happening. Then it was like, Oh my gosh, I didn't even make ours.

Like what's wrong with me?  So we looked at this profile. I mean, well, I looked at that night. I think my husband had like one eye open, was like scrolling through and I was like, okay, that wasn't the reaction I was ready for. So we'll circle back tomorrow. And after looking at the profile.  I had the feeling, I wasn't expecting to feel this way, I just, I think over the months that we waited, I had built up what I thought this person might be like, nothing to do with their family or what they look like or anything like that, I just pictured someone who was like,  the epitome of health, and it's just like, you can just tell that they are just beautiful.

Born to have babies. I knew I, I thought I would look at this profile and just have full confidence that this person was like, so qualified to do this. And I already know like our agency, there is a whole list of requirements to even work with the agency and they have strict requirements. You have to be within a certain BMI.

You have to have had at least one child of your own. You can't smoke. You can't drink. I mean, like, there's just like a whole list of like  health things. And then once they get into the agency, then. The surrogate has to go to our fertility clinic and be medically cleared by our fertility clinic. So there are so many, so many checks and balances when it comes to finding a surrogate that, um, I mean, that was the other number one reason why I really wanted to use an agency because otherwise you're doing this on your own, you've got to do background checks, you have to do psych evals.

You have to, I mean, they cover all of the bases. So to even get in with an agency already puts this woman kind of like. Above the rest,  but that being said, I couldn't help but  feel like because there is a shortage of surrogates and long wait times for intended parents that maybe,  maybe these agencies  are being a little more lenient in their applicants because the applicant we were shown.

And again, this person, this surrogate, she does not know that we saw her profile. It's only when we say, yes, we'd like to move forward with the match meeting. Then she would know that like, okay, they were given your profile. Here's their profile. Let's set up a call. And so she didn't know that we had seen her profile and privacy is totally like, there's no address or last names or anything like that.

It's a profile about her, her medical history, her pregnancies, her family, and then it includes pictures of her and her family. And this. Particular surrogate. She was, I think, 27, had three kids of her own, lived in Texas, which  now that it was actually happening and we were presented with a profile, I was like, huh,  like Texas, like I'm in Illinois.

And we made it very clear. I mean, we didn't want to increase our wait time even more. So. We knew from the get go, meaning like not my initial research, but like after talking with the agencies that it would be very slim chances of us having a surrogate nearby or even in Illinois. Their goal was to make it a drive, I think they said six hours or less drive or a quick flight.

So we were open to anywhere in the continental U. S. I mean, flying is nothing new to us. My husband travels for work all the time. So we were like, okay, hopping on a flight  for whatever appointments we want to be a part of in the birth. Like We can do that. We don't want to have to wait years and years in hopes to find someone in Illinois.

So we just were trying to be as open as possible. And location was not the biggest thing on our list. We had other specifications, but truthfully, like the agency's requirements alone were like pretty good for us. They were so strict and we just felt really confident in the kind of people that they were looking for.

So like I said, this person 27, three kids of her own lives in Corpus Christi, Texas. There was a couple of things though. There was a few things that Popped up one, I guess I wasn't ready for how I felt seeing anyone's profile. I have two kids, I've been pregnant. It's hard to look at someone else and being like, like, oh, not good enough.

Like  no one's going to be me. So this will be fun. What kind of thing? And  I really had to put my ego aside and remember why we were doing this and just think like, well, no, that's the idea. We want her to be better than this at me. Like that is the whole idea. But it was just the first time I was really like looking at someone's face that could  Carry my baby and it just made it all very, very real.

It's easy to sign a contract and just hope for the best. But once you are staring at a family.  And a woman who's going to be caring for your baby, it becomes very real. But we did have some concerns about some things on her profile. My first concern was her BMI was, I think it was like 35, which  don't come at me with like a whole conversation about BMI also, because like, I'm pretty sure my BMI says I'm like obese.

I'm it's not even, it's not like anything like that. I just know too much. I know that risks are increased when you have a higher BMI, you could require extra monitoring and stress tests. Making sure she doesn't have gestational diabetes. I also know that to be a surrogate, you, you are doing fertility meds to control your cycle and you're, because you're doing a transfer just like I would, you're doing a frozen embryo transfer.

So a lot of times, the higher your BMI, you might not respond to the meds as well. So,  that was a little concerning to me because it was, On like the very high end of their range, and it was higher than even like my fertility clinic would like to see. And so that was 1 thing. The other thing was that so she did have 3 kids of her own. 

1, and this is October. We're looking at this was born that year in January. So, you know, she has a 10 month old at the time of us being presented with her profile. And  again, because I, I  have had babies and I am a mom. I was having a hard time wrapping my head around how she could make such a big decision to become a surrogate for someone else  after  being like, call it six months postpartum.

Like I know myself and have three little ones and in her profile it said her,  so her second child was exactly one year older. So she essentially had like a three year old, a one year old and a newborn.  I was having a hard time with how you can make that decision, especially when you just had a baby that in, yeah, in her profile said was a surprise to them.

So  that seems like a lot to me. Plus her husband is in the coast guard and while he doesn't like get deployed or anything randomly, he does travel and they know about ahead of time, but he could be gone two, three weeks at a time. They have an Annie, they're stationed there for three years, so they don't necessarily have family there, but they have friends as support.

And.  Personally for me, it was just like, again, it was just not what I am. What I imagined in someone I pictured someone who  Didn't have someone that small of their own like a one year old of their own when they would be doing a transfer for my baby I didn't like that. I I know the importance of like allowing your body to heal and Postpartum and I know I mean I had two under two.

It's a lot and so to have three  Under three and be carrying someone else's baby. I just didn't feel comfortable with like all of that going on.  And then the third thing was, yeah, I mean, while we're open to the continental U S it, and if this was the only factor, it wouldn't have bothered us, but it was kind of just like the cherry on top of everything was like, yeah, being located in Corpus Christi.

I mean, I was searching flights and I was like, wow, there's like no direct flights to where it was Christie. I mean, I, I truthfully have only been to Texas like once and it wasn't even in that area. So I was. Kind of surprised. I was like, Oh, okay. So we'd have to fly here and then drive two hours there. And, and all I could think about was like, my gosh, like for the birth, like I don't want to be taking plane trains and automobiles, like that scares me.

Like I want quick access to get to my baby. And again, the location was very low on the totem pole. It was just kind of like. The cherry on top. Oh, and the other thing, this is an important one. Actually, these were the three main things. The location was just like, yeah, like I said, like a  cherry on top. The third thing that concerned me was that while, so in these profiles, it says the information about the surrogates deliveries, how many children at what gestation they were born, their weight, was it a vaginal birth, C section,  all of the things.

She had three vaginal births. Her first two children were born full term, like 39, 40 weeks. Her third child. Her most recent pregnancy was born at 35 weeks, didn't spend any time in the NICU, was perfectly healthy, doing fine now, but as someone who has had a baby at 24 weeks and earlier,  the milestones are not lost on me.

And truthfully, I didn't care if it was 35 or 36 or truthfully, even 37 weeks, which I know is technically full term that bothered me. And I didn't know if it was just because. Of my history that I was like, that's a problem for me. Or if it was like a genuine concern. So the agency did encourage us after expressing our concerns.

She did encourage us to talk with our fertility doctor. She wanted us to touch base anyway. So we set a consultation up with our fertility doctor and kind of ran all of this by her and. Yeah, she couldn't agree more. She's the one who told us about the increased risks with the BMI. And she said, yeah, it's, it's definitely not great that her last delivery was at 35 weeks.

She said, even though the baby was healthy and everything, she's like, it's more just like the unknown. This had been her first pregnancy baby born at 35 weeks. Then she went on to have two full term babies. My doctor said she wouldn't be concerned, but given that this was her most recent pregnancy, who's to say that like the next time baby next pregnancy wouldn't be born at 33 weeks.

And like,  yeah, I know too much of that. Like we do not want to spend any time in the NICU. I don't want to increase risks. And that's what she reminded us. She reminded us that.  Let's not forget why you're doing this, right? Like the whole point of using a gestational surrogate is to minimize all of the risks involved in pregnancy and delivery.

So we want a full term healthy baby. And I said, wow, you're so right. Like I was just so excited kind of to like  get this first profile, but also taken back. Cause yeah, I just kind of expected to receive like the perfect combination of medical history and everything. And it would be a no brainer that we'd want to have a conversation with this person  because outside of these details, of course, this person's family looked lovely.

She's from her profile seemed great. But the only, the only other thing though, that I was like kind of taken back by was that when she answered the question of why does she want, why do you want to, what brought you to Sura Seemarl? I forget what the exact question was, but.  You know, I was kind of expecting someone because we were told like 75 percent of the surrogates that this agency uses like has a personal tie to someone who has struggled with infertility or having a child on their own.

And I was hoping to find somebody  that can understand that and like truly want to help us and understand what we've been through. To the best of their ability and want to do this. I mean, of course they are compensated. Of course, this is a job. Like they would not be working with an agency if they were just doing it out of the kindness of their heart.

And we are completely happy to compensate a surrogate because they deserve it. I mean, this is a wonderful thing that they are doing with their body and their time. And it's amazing.  But that being said, her reasoning was more or less just like. Well, my mom is a very caring person and she said she wishes she would have done surrogacy.

So I'm doing it kind of thing. And I was like, okay, to me, you sound young. You had a surprise baby. And now  you realize you're good at getting pregnant and just want to do it for someone else as your job,  which, and if that's the case, and then I'm sure that, and she will, I know she will go on to be someone else's surrogate and probably be great.

But for us, that wasn't,  That wasn't good enough for me. This is a big deal. And this person is going to play a big role in our life. And I want someone, it just didn't feel right. Right. It's just like, and my fertility doctor put it in a really awesome way. She said, it's kind of like, she's like, this might sound weird.

She's like, but it's kind of like buying a house.  You're never going to find a house that has absolutely everything that you want. But when you find the right one, you're just going to know it. When you walk in, like when you find the house, you're like, Oh, this feels like home, this feels right.  And that is so true.

I mean, we felt that in the house that we live in now and it doesn't have everything we wanted. Right. But we knew that when we walked in, we're like, this is the one out of all of them that we looked at, this is the one. And  that made me feel good because that's how sure that's how I expected this process to feel.

I just knew that we would just see a profile, be excited to talk to this person. And then when we talk to them, we'll just know, we'll just know that this is a good match or not.  So that was the back end of October. We did not, we decided not to move forward. With a conversation and we did give kind of tighter parameters to our matching expert, uh, things that we're comfortable with.

We mentioned, I'm just not comfortable with a surrogate who has given birth in the last year. And she brought up a good point and corrected us, meaning like, I encourage you to be open to a surrogate who has given birth in the last year, but not to her own child. So she wouldn't have like an infant at home, but maybe she had completed a surrogacy journey for somebody else because she said they've found a lot of success with repeat surrogates who have been successful and who had a baby for somebody else and are ready to do it again.

And so to be open to that and that we said we were comfortable with a lot of it was for me, just the mental load of like, that's your child. You just gave birth. And you're taking care of three little ones of your own. How can you do this for me at the same time? But someone who is doing this as a surrogate and is ready to do it again, that is a different situation to me.

So we said we were okay with that. We also gave new parameters for a BMI that we're comfortable with. And then we made it very clear that we're not okay with somebody who has given birth prematurely, like prior to 37 weeks. We're just not comfortable with it. Even if the baby was healthy, had no NICU stay, like that's just not That's not okay for us. 

And she was totally understanding our matching expert is amazing. She herself has gone through a surrogacy journey and I believe is going through another one. So it's, it's really nice. She has the expertise of working with the agency, but she also has personal experience going through this herself as well.

So she is extremely understanding and she made note of our new thoughts on this and assured us that, cause that was my other thing I was like, man, if we don't move forward with this match meeting, are we, are we starting over? Like, is it going to take another eight to 11 months to. Get matched with a surrogate and she said, no, she said, this will not interrupt your timeline.

We are still looking for you. And if anything, our wait times have been getting quicker. So in our minds, we signed with them at the end of May. So let's just say like June was when they started our like eight to 11 months. Mark to find our match that would put us at like, right, like before May on the long end.

So before May we should have a match. So we're here in January. She said it probably won't take that long. So we are really hoping in the next few months  to find our match  now.  After all this research, and being open, and talking about the fact that we are going to be doing a surrogacy journey,  I've learned a lot more.

I've learned a lot more from my fertility doctor, from the different women I've talked to, and we are, we've become more open with the idea  of navigating this on our own as well. If we had found a local doctor. Surrogate. I'm going to dive more into this next Monday and explain what I mean and why we are being open to also possibly pursuing an independent journey and finding a surrogate on our own.

We are actually not tied to our agency until we Accept a match. So even though we have put down a hefty deposit with this agency, if we decide we don't want to do this anymore or we don't ever accept a match or we get that money back. So it's we're not entirely fully committed until we accept a match.

So. While they're looking for a surrogate for us, we are also currently being open to finding our own, and I'll explain more next week why we decided to do this. But in the meantime, I am going to be sharing our surrogacy profile that after receiving that other profile, I did finally create, and I was feeling fired up to create and excited this time because it became very real once we're looking at a potential surrogate's profile.

So I created our family profile with our story that will be shared. with surrogates, and I will be sharing that on social media. So please,  if you are local to Illinois, follow me on Instagram at motherhood underscore intended. I will also be sharing it in the motherhood intended community group on Facebook.

If you haven't joined yet, please do. It's a great, great resource. There's a lot of women in there now. I think we have almost 350 women in this group. It's a closed group where we can discuss topics that we talk about on the podcast. Just support each other, make friends, ask questions. It's just a great group for motherhood or anyone considering motherhood.

Everyone has their own unique story. So it's, it's nice to find, find your people and not feel alone in all of this. So I'm going to be posting our  surrogacy profile.  On my Instagram and on Facebook and if you could  give it a read, if you feel moved to share it, I would appreciate it. Maybe you know somebody who has been a surrogate.

Maybe you know somebody who has thought about it and just like hasn't taken that next step. Maybe you are, maybe your family's complete and you would love to do this for somebody else. Let me know. We are being open and vulnerable about this whole experience, not only to help other people, but to just kind of,  I guess, open up our own options.

If we are able to find somebody locally, it would just mean a lot to us, not only to be closer to that person and, like, be more involved in appointments and things like that, and, like, having our, Our baby born in a hospital nearby would just be truly amazing. And with everything we know now, we're feeling a lot more confident and like being able to handle some of these things on our own outside of an agency.

So for the right person, we, we are open to going an independent route. So.  Please share our profile and you never know, I've learned you never know who you can meet and what connections you can make and if anything, maybe you're going through this yourself and feel free to look at our profile and use it as an example.

I'm happy to help anyone who's also going through this in any way that I can. So please use me as a resource. Send me a DM message me on Facebook. I'm here for you guys.

Thanks for taking a listen to this re release of episode three. It was important for me to kind of re share these because we have so many new listeners and these first few episodes are the backbone of this podcast. It encompasses my decade long infertility journey and how we got to our family today.

That being said, this episode It is a little behind. It doesn't, get you currently to present day. Throughout that season, and the seasons to come, I do update on our surrogacy journey, of course. But to put it all in one place, where this one left off, we, turned down the first profile that was presented to us.

Also, if you hear anything in the background, I'm currently giving Lorelei a bottle while I record this. Um, but we turned down that profile and eventually were of course, given another profile and we had no doubt in our mind that we wanted to move forward with the meeting. Of course it was our surrogate Maranda and we went ahead and had a call  it was Josh and I, our surrogacy coordinator, and then Maranda and her husband.

 After talking with them, we just felt so comfortable and at ease. And,  if you've listened to the podcast before with all the real time updates, you know that I've said  Maranda was always the calm to my chaos. She's just so chill and kept our nerves at bay throughout the whole thing and just comforted us and made us really feel confident in the whole process.

And, we truly trusted her with our embryo. And love that we can be involved the whole surrogacy process, you know, we flew down to Texas for the eight week ultrasound, the 20 week ultrasound, we were there a few days before her birth, and of course there for the birth, and then even before that we actually brought the boys with us.

To Texas and were able to spend a day with her and her husband, and our families got to meet her kids, got to meet our boys and just an incredible process overall. Like I mentioned at the top, it's so wild for me to look back at all of this and hear my own personal fears and worries of the unknown.

And then Lorelei, just, you know,  wow, it all feels not small at all. Because it was such a big deal and such a big process and something we are so, so incredibly grateful for. Maranda and her family cross my mind often and I try to send updates once a month of Lorelei. And, you know, she's always going to hold a special place in my heart because she gave us our daughter and our family feels so very complete with her.

So that brought us Lorelei,    I mean, there's so many details to go into our surrogacy journey, but in a nutshell, it was flawless and amazing and such an incredible experience to witness Maranda go through such, um,  simple is a silly word. I'm just, obviously it wasn't me pregnant, so me speaking from the outside, I'm going to say easy and simple and just 

we didn't have one hiccup in the whole experience and even the birth was just incredible. I mean, I have never experienced that, you know, I've never been in a delivery room where someone is laboring and giving birth and everything that I went through was so rushed and hectic and spontaneous or, or the complete opposite planned c section, you know, um, you And so it was just what a miracle to witness Lorelei coming into this world and to feel the support of everyone around us cheering us on along the way and having Maranda's family there and my family.

And it was just a very unique and incredible experience. And I cannot wait to share it with Lorelei one day. Go through the podcast. You will find more details on that in further episodes. But, thank you so much for listening to this part three. Took this time of year as a opportunity to put these episodes at the forefront, not only for new listeners,  but for people who've been with the podcast for a while and kind of just, you know, forgot where I all started from,  maybe you joined us.

Recently, but didn't start at episode one and you're just hearing about these three children. I have and are unaware of how exactly we got here and all the emotions and, just so many things that went into it. I wanted you to be aware. And if you've heard these stories before, Or even if you haven't, please pass these episodes along to somebody who could use the extra support I wanted these to be easily bindable and relevant and easy to share at this point in time and you know, easy to binge too, if you are behind in episodes, take this time, oh Lorelei,  take this time to catch up on the podcast.

I know myself, I listen to way too many podcasts, all different genres, but while I'm wrapping presents or cleaning or traveling, you best believe I am listening to One of my favorite shows, so share motherhood intended  next week will be the last episode of the season.

And then we will be taking a break. We will break for about a month and come back on January 9th, which is my birthday. Can't wait to talk to you all then. I have so many guests. I'm just waiting in the queue for you to hear our.  Oh, God bless you.   I'm just so excited for you to hear the conversations I have lined up. And all the new things I have planned.

Oh boy. In the new year, including teaching Lorelei how to hold her bottle.   But I will be dropping at least one bonus episode during that break. So follow the show if you don't already. So they automatically pop up in your queue, write a review. That would be the best gift you could give this season is just leave a review of the podcast. And as always join us in the motherhood intended community group. I am.  Yeah, you heard Lorelie.  Say with mama,  join me in the community group with mama,  mama.

 I'm starting a book club and I want you to be a part of it. You've heard me talk about Cathy Heller before and I went to her conference and  her newest book just came out. It's called Abundant Ever After. And it's all about teaching you tools for creating a life of prosperity and ease. Something I know we all could benefit from. So I'm starting a book club and the first, 10 people to sign up for the book club are going to get a free copy of the book. That's right. It'll be fun. We'll all read it at our own pace. We'll have a scheduled time to have a zoom call and chat about it. I'll do some fun giveaways. And it'll just be a great chance in the new year for us to come together as a community, whether you are a mom already or trying to become a mom. We can all come together and hang out over the book Abundant Ever After.  All right, that's all for this episode. Thanks for listening. Tune in next week where I have Casey on.  She is a lost mom, a mom of a two year old little girl, and she is bravely sharing her story on the podcast. So join us next week  her incredible, raw and honest story. Bye for now.