Infertility and the Holidays: Tips for Emotional Well-being

In this bonus episode, Jacqueline provides support and advice for individuals facing infertility during the holiday season. Acknowledging that holidays can be a challenging time for one in six couples dealing with infertility, she offers tips on managing emotional triggers, selectively attending events, preparing responses to intrusive questions, and taking breaks from trying to conceive. This episode emphasizes the importance of seeking support, whether through therapy, support groups, or personal connections, and encourages listeners to protect their mental health and wellbeing. 

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Transcript

Hey friends. Like I mentioned in the last episode of the season, which was supposed to be the last one, I did mention I was going to be possibly dropping some bonus episodes and I just, I felt a strong urge to put this one out there into the world to support those of you who are going through infertility, during the holiday season. So obviously on the surface, the holiday season is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, right? It's filled with joy and cheer and good times. However, the reality is that one in six couples are struggling with infertility. And that said, the holidays can often be a pretty triggering time, whether you're facing an infertility diagnosis, or maybe, you know, someone who's struggling. I'm going to share some quick advice in this episode on how to navigate the difficult emotions attached to infertility and offer support around the holidays.

My first piece of advice  be selective with events. Although you may feel like you should go to all the events and do all the things you're invited to, be sure to protect your energy and only attend parties where you'll be in the company of loved ones who know and understand what you're going through.

You can also take this opportunity to create relationships with couples who may be in a similar situation. I know not everybody is always open about their struggles with infertility, but from my experience, Being open about it and talking about it will invite others to understand what you're going through and it'll also give you an opportunity to connect with others who are in a similar situation.

So maybe you don't feel like telling all your aunts, uncles and cousins and family that you're going to see over the holidays what your current fertility situation is. But maybe you  no one other couple that you can connect with. And instead of hitting that big party that's going to be just emotionally draining, maybe instead you and your partner  get coffee with the other couple that you know, that's going through this and just kind of be there for each other.

My second piece of advice would be to know your triggers. So if seeing pregnant women or babies is too difficult for you, then it might be a good option to avoid social events geared toward children and families.  For me, it was my experience with this, you know, so often I would just like, Power through and I would show up to that baby shower and I would show up to, you know, the kids holiday musical thing,  almost to like prove to myself that like, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I'm happy for them. I'm fine. It's not affecting me at all. , there's no point in doing that. I'm going to be honest. Like it's, it's a season that you're in and it's okay to avoid a social event if it's geared towards children and families, knowing that it's going to be a trigger for you and it's going to be difficult.

That's okay. You will circle back when it's your time or when you are in a different headspace and you don't have to put yourself through that.

Number three would be choose what to share with others. So, as I mentioned, these family members, aunts, uncles, cousins, whoever you see over the holidays, curious strangers even, they may ask the dreaded question, when are you having kids?  Be prepared with responses and how much of your journey you want to share.

It's really important to get on the same page with your partner on this because you might find out maybe you're not seeing eye to eye on this. You know, maybe, your husband wants to be way more open about this than you do, and you don't want to field these questions, or maybe you both can come together and just create like a conversation.

One cohesive response that can kind of shut down the conversation altogether if it's something that you don't want to talk about. I will never forget hearing this question. Um, and I'm, I was pretty open obviously with my like immediate friends and my parents and things like that about, struggling to get pregnant.

They knew what we were going through. They knew how hard we've been trying, but there's always like, you know,  a grandma or like, Usually the random strangers who like know you're married and like, Oh, when are you guys having kids? Or if  you've been married for a while and you still don't have children.

They love to, they love to pry and ask, Oh, do you want kids? When are you having kids? Honestly, literally today I was at the dentist and it does baffle me. Sometimes the things that people say and ask, and I know I have a different. Perspective of it all,  but oh my gosh, I just want to go to the dentist and like not be asked about my personal life or like my like family planning. 

Literally, I mentioned that.  You know, she's asking me how many kids I have and I said I have three which always kind of breaks my heart a little because I know I have three angels in heaven and  But you know, I've gotten better at that response and it's the dentist. I don't know I mean, she's just the dental hygienist, so I'll just keep that short But then she proceeds to ask me like, oh, are you guys done or do you want more? 

And I'm like, oh my gosh All I can think about now in my head is like what I said outwardly was like, oh no No, we're done and she's like, yeah, I get it. Three's a lot and I'm like Yeah, that's, that's not why we're done.  Um, we're done because it's been a decade of trying to have these three children and we're done because it's extremely expensive and we're done because we cannot manage another surrogacy journey.

Um, but we're not done because we think it's too much. We're not done because we don't have precious embryos waiting there for us.  But am I going to get into that with the dental hygienist? No, I'm not. But did it still bother me? Yes, it does. So get on the same page with your partner. Just be prepared with what responses and how much you want to share with your journey and who, and know that that response doesn't have to be the same for everybody.

My fourth piece of advice would be to take a break. If the worry of infertility during the holiday season seems like way too much to bear, it really is okay to take a break from actively trying to get pregnant. You've heard me say this multiple times. It's a phrase that I absolutely love, but there is power in the pause.

So instead of focusing on like  actively trying to get pregnant, maybe instead plan a relaxing weekend just to help get your mind off things. You can always resume fertility treatments or trying to conceive in the new year, But your mental health is going to need to be your top priority.

I know it's really hard to see that when you are in it and you just want to get the outcome you desire, but there is always power in the pause. It is not that you are being defeated. It's not that you can't handle the treatments. It's not that you are putting it off or that you're  Going to just push the timeline that you envisioned back.

It's just, you can't think that way. Just think of it as a pause where you are going to regain your power, take control of your mental and physical health and your wellbeing. And it will always be waiting for you when you are ready.

And the last tip I'm going to leave you with is to seek out support, whether it's this podcast, the motherhood intended community, friends, family, Surround yourself with those close people that can help you feel supported around the holidays. 

Also consider attending an outside support group or like seeking counseling or therapy can be super helpful. Mental health services, as you probably know, are offered virtually. all the time.  I've hopped on zoom calls with a therapist before and it's really easy to fit into your schedule. So just really consider it.

Even if you don't, if you're not at a point where you're like, Oh my gosh, I can like, don't wait until you're like, I really need to talk to a therapist or I need to talk to somebody like don't use therapy or counseling as a last  ditch effort. In my opinion,  just use it as a tool alongside what you're going through. I wish I would have done this throughout our whole infertility journey instead of like  towards the end when I was at my breaking point and Like could not deny my grief and stress and PTSD and all the things anymore. Like, don't let it get to that point, find an outlet and don't be afraid to talk about what you're going through. 

And as always, I'm here for you. Send me a message, send me an email, a DM, you know where to find me.  Everything's linked in the show notes always. It really brings me a lot of joy to know that I can support others in the ways that I didn't feel like I was supported when I was going through that. And unfortunately, fortunately, I have a lot of knowledge on a lot different topics and experiences surrounding fertility and family planning.

So please, please, please always reach out to me.  Alright, thanks for joining me on this super quick bonus episode. I hope this is helpful in supporting you through the holidays. Follow the podcast if you haven't already because I might have another bonus episode in the works.

Be kind to yourself. You are powerful. You are strong. You are a beautiful woman, and I appreciate you tuning in to this show. Bye for now.