Post Surrogacy Reflections and FAQs

In this episode, Jacqueline reflects on the last nine months following the birth of their daughter, Lorelei, through a gestational carrier. She answers common questions about the process, explains different types of surrogacy (gestational vs. traditional, compensated vs. altruistic), and details the importance of professional guidance. The discussion also covers the legal aspects, the selection requirements for surrogates, and the dynamics between surrogates and intended parents. 

Jacqueline emphasizes the emotional and logistical challenges of surrogacy, shares personal experiences, and offers advice for those considering surrogacy, recommending ConceivAbilities as an agency. She also delves into the relationship with their surrogate postpartum, sharing how they maintained contact and how the relationship has evolved over time. The mutual benefits and emotional connections that are formed are discussed, highlighting the significance of gratitude and ongoing connection through social media.

Learn how to become a surrogate and earn up to $650 for taking the first few steps --> share.conceiveabilities.com/hello12

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00:00 Introduction + Lorelei is 9 Months Old!
01:05 Understanding Surrogacy Basics
01:58 Types of Surrogacy Explained
02:48 Jacqueline's Personal Surrogacy Journey
06:15 Legal Aspects of Surrogacy
07:59 Choosing the Right Surrogate
14:43 Surrogate Compensation and Relationship
17:54 Post-Birth Relationship and Reflections
23:26 Final Thoughts and Resources

Sources:
https://surrogate.com/
https://www.conceiveabilities.com/

Transcript

Hey friend, welcome to another episode. It's just me on the mic today and I'm wanting to give an update on our surrogacy journey. So I got a lot of questions over the holidays from, you know, family members and friends just kind of asking, Oh, like how is everything with your gestational surrogate? Do you still keep in contact with her?

How's everything going? You know, around the holidays, you're doing a lot of catching up and especially for those out of state family members that we saw, you know, Lorelei is going to be nine months old tomorrow, which is wild because it's like we blinked and and she's  almost a year old, which is just insane to me. But it can on the outside, it can kind of feel like, oh, remember when you did that whole. Surrogacy thing to have your daughter and trust us. It is not lost on us. However, the experience has definitely evolved since bringing Lorelei home. So I wanted to kind of touch on this for anyone who might be wondering, what does life look like after you have a baby with the help of a gestational carrier? 

So for starters,  if you're new to the podcast or you've just  know nothing about surrogacy, or never even heard of the term gestational carrier. I want to kind of cover some questions that come up a lot so we can all be on the same page and hopefully I can just educate you on this more modern way of building your family. 

So surrogacy is an agreement in which a woman chooses to become pregnant through an embryo transfer to carry the resulting pregnancy for the intended parents.

So there's a few different ways to go about approaching surrogacy. It could be with somebody, you know, a friend, a family member might offer to carry the pregnancy for you. But it is recommended that professionals get involved just to kind of guide both parties through the medical, legal, the emotional process.

Some people choose to do kind of an independent route. We worked with an agency to really guide us through this, but that being said, there are a few different types of surrogacy. So like there's gestational versus traditional, which a gestational surrogacy is. when the woman is not genetically related to the baby. So it is the parent's embryo, the genetics of the intended parents, um, not related. A traditional surrogacy is when the surrogate uses her eggs, so her DNA to help the intended parents have a baby. So, in that case, the surrogate would be related to the baby.

And then compensated versus altruistic, you know, those are just different routes to go. Like I said, maybe you're using a family member who is just helping you out out of the kindness of their heart, or maybe you are compensating your surrogate, which I firmly believe they should be compensated.  And then there's the independent versus agency assisted route, which is kind of what I just explained.

, finding a surrogate on your own, managing that whole process, writing up a contract, or getting the assistance of an agency, which is what we did. If you know my story, you will know why  to grow our family with the help of surrogacy, but there are multiple different people who choose surrogacy as a way to become parents.

So couples and individuals of all types may choose this path to parenthood, but most commonly, intended parents are, you know, people who have struggled with infertility,  single parents,  couples, and then anyone who is unable to safely carry a pregnancy to term, which is the category that I fall into.

Three losses, mostly unexplained, different scenarios, a lot of health risks involved regarding my cervix and placental abruption and being hospitalized, uh, for both my other pregnancies despite bringing children home, um, a lot of risk factors for me, so truly it was unsafe for me to carry a pregnancy. For my own health and for the baby's health. Now the biggest question I got throughout the whole process was, who are these women who choose to become surrogates? So truthfully, surrogates come from like all different backgrounds, but they have one important thing in common. They desire to help people in an incredibly unique and important way.

There are like obviously plenty of misconceptions about the women who become surrogates, but in the end, these are honestly just women who are able to help build a family. And this was a requirement for our agency and I think it's pretty common for most agencies, but surrogates must have already completed their own family. So they're usually raising children of their own and are typically married, so for example, our surrogates, embryo to her, I believe  8, 27, 28, maybe 28. I can't remember. It's been a few years now. We started the process, the whole process was about two years, so I think she was 28.  Two kids of her own ages, like five and six at the time, maybe. And she had been a surrogate once before, so she was an experienced surrogate, three full term uncomplicated pregnancies. Her family was complete, and this is just something that she felt called to do.

So speaking of our embryo, how does the surrogate become pregnant? People who are not in the infertility world or, you know, just have never kind of dove into reproductive assistance,  truly this question comes up with them a lot. Which is fair, I remember when we said we were doing surrogacy, you know, family members were like, wait, what, how does that work?

 So for us, we had already done IVF years prior.  We created embryos in 2017. We knew after genetic testing, two healthy embryos left, and one mosaic, which could definitely be an option for transfer.  But essentially, yeah, embryos are created with a fertility clinic lab using IVF and that's what gets transferred to the surrogates. 

So for the surrogate, this experience of becoming pregnant is probably entirely different from her previous pregnancies in a number of ways, because one of the requirements, obviously, for a surrogate is that she has healthy pregnancies and she was able to get pregnant on her own and carry a pregnancy to term. 

So unless she had been a surrogate before, the IVF process and embryo transfer is totally new for her. \ But yeah, she'll take a carefully timed series of medications to prepare for the embryo transfer, be monitored closely, and then she would essentially, like, continue on with a traditional quote unquote pregnancy.

 I believe most surrogates, ours was, is followed by MFM because an IVF pregnancy is considered high risk. So they are looked at a little more closely, which honestly, as the intended parent, is nice because you have the extra eyes on the pregnancy, better ultrasounds, and all of that.

One big question, that people have is, Is surrogacy legal? So this honestly is a question that always has an evolving answer. Essentially, it depends on where you're at, where do you live. In the United States, surrogacy laws vary from state to state, from one type of surrogacy to another and, and even more.

You can look up, they have guides to those state laws anywhere. Definitely don't let the laws intimidate you, but it's important to remember that, surrogacy law is complex and the safety of the child could be at stake. So it's really important. And in my opinion, necessary to work with an experienced professional to secure a legal surrogacy contract that protects both parties.

So for example, our surrogate was from Texas. We live in Illinois, two different laws, because our child will be born in Texas,  those were the laws and legalities that we had to incorporate into our contract. And in Texas, they have a pre birth order set in place. So what that means is that prior to our baby being born, it is already in legal documents that my husband and I are the parents.

So it's not something we have to worry about in that state. And I'm. Pretty sure our agency only worked with pre birth order states.

Otherwise, even if surrogacy is legal in another state, they might not have the pre birth order in place. So what that could look like once your baby is born is that you would have to essentially adopt your own baby. There would be legal things, signed related to that, but what happens is like you can't handle all of the legalities of parentage until the baby is born. So we were very  grateful that we worked with an agency that knows all about that, obviously, and that the pre birth order was in place before our daughter was even born.

So as far as the requirements of a surrogate, It's a lot more than I ever realized, you know, when we first contemplated going the independent route for surrogacy I was just like, okay somebody who is young has healthy pregnancies  There we go  But really there's a lot of things that they look at and especially if you are going the surrogacy route, I mean It is a big investment all around financially, emotionally.

 It's a great option for building your family. And for some people it's the only option. It's a big deal. And so you want to put your best foot forward and you want to make sure that the surrogate is safe and your baby is safe. So the agency we worked with is Conceivabilities.

They are a large agency, they offer a ton of resources, they have an expansive reach both locally and globally, so we really appreciated that they have the resources to source the best surrogates,  but also do it in a timely manner. It already took us two years, you know, with the process and some of the other agencies, the smaller ones, while there are pros to working with them, you might have a more tailored approach,  less clients that they're working with.

But everything takes a bit longer. It took, was taking longer to get matched with those kinds of agencies. Um, the whole process was just a lot longer. And with conceivabilities, they have a very high success rate. I think it's like a 97 percent success rate of matching you with the right surrogate on the first try.

 And then, like, a 95 percent success rate of your surrogate being cleared by your medical provider, because they handle a lot of these requirements on the front end before your surrogate is even sent to your fertility clinic for medical clearance. 

So, their requirements are that surrogates should be between the ages of 21 and 39. This age range is considered optimal for childbearing fewer complications and faster recovery. Health wise, Surgic should have a BMI below 35, ideally below 30. I remember the very first profile that we were, we never talked to this person or had a match meeting, but the very first profile that we were presented with, one of our issues was her BMI.

Now I felt like really vain like saying this and truthfully like I probably had a worse BMI than her. But it's one of those things like you want to put yourself in the best possible scenario for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby, especially because, you know, like our surrogate matches where they were both in Texas.

So it's like,  I don't want her to have to be on bedrest or our daughter to be in the NICU when we live,  in a different state. So. It was really important to us that we were like at the high end of all these requirements. Surrogates should also be obviously be non smokers, live in a non smoking home.

They should have no history of clinical mental illness. And then surrogates should have a history of at least one full term healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy. This was kind of like the other hang up with our, the first profile that we were presented with, and which is why we did not move forward with a match meeting, is because she had three, Pregnancies, three kids of her own, very new by the time she would be doing a transfer with us.

I believe her youngest would be like one and a half. , so that really didn't sit well with me. I wanted some more time and I wanted her kids to be older while managing a pregnancy for us. But  her 1st child was born, you know, within the, like. 39, 40 week range, but then I think both of our other kids were more closer to like the 37 week mark.

And while this is technically term, you know, it's not like a preemie or anything  I didn't, that didn't sit well with me, especially coming from somebody who delivered two babies, you know, 14 weeks, 16 weeks, maybe at 24 weeks, maybe at 20, I mean like  preterm delivery is a big, big fear. And so I did not want to have that fear moving forward with a surrogate. 

Maranda, the surrogate we went with, had both of her children and the baby she carried for other intended parents, had all three of them, like, right around her due date, and we were very blessed to have our daughter born on her induction date, which was her due date, which is still surreal to me, that, that's just, like, how her body works, and it was pretty phenomenal.

So yeah, and then surrogate should also, they have to undergo  a medical screening with a fertility specialist. So once this person has met all the requirements with the agency,  and you are matched with them, then they are sent to your specific fertility clinic to be medically screened by them, which was really helpful too, because like.

You know, you're not that close with the agency at first, obviously of the course of the journey, you're working with different people more and more. But our fertility specialist, you know, has been with us from the very beginning. They're the reason we brought home our boys and the reason I got pregnant. They've played a very integral role in our family building. So knowing that they approved of our surrogate was huge for us. 

And then the other thing that's a requirement that they look at is stability. I mean, surrogates should be in a healthy and stable position, you know, physically, emotionally, and financially,  they do look at that. They don't want somebody who is using surrogacy as like, An income that they need to live off of, they have to meet a certain income requirement in order to pursue being a surrogate  and then the surrogate should also have the support of their partner and or family.

I know for our surrogate and her family, they had friends in the area that were helpful and family members that even though we're out of state, maybe flew in to help with postpartum. That's really important because you don't want somebody who's just trying to do it all on their own whilst trying to safely carry your child.  And then of course conceivability is also considers the state laws for the surrogate lives, because not all states allow surrogacy, unfortunately. 

Another thing that kind of caught me off guard when we were going through the whole surrogacy process, well not caught me off guard. I obviously knew that we had to meet certain requirements, but I remember when as, as parents we were being  It felt like an interview. It was not an interview. But when we had a meeting about ourselves, it felt like I was trying to prove ourselves that we were like worthy of having a baby or something like kind of like adoption.

I wanted to like them to know that we were like the best fit and this is a good option for us. When in reality, the embryo, the baby is, is our baby.  but they, they want to make sure it's a good fit. Right. And for the safety of surrogates and children intended, parents are usually screened as well. So there are a number of. Requirements for intended parents that they must meet.  And then their results will determine if they're actually ready to begin the surrogacy process,  some states and professionals will have specific or additional requirements that intended parents need to meet. So, it's like, very individualized with the professionals you're working with.

But I know Josh and I both had to have screenings with a psychologist, um, we had to have the meeting with our consultant at the agency just to learn more about our family dynamics, our history, our mental state, so many things,  which I think is really important.

And so another number one question that is always an awkward one, but that I know is a question that most people are wondering, are surrogates paid? And if so, how much?  So, not all surrogates are paid, but honestly, most are. That was kind of the difference between an altruistic and a compensated surrogacy journey.

I'd say most surrogates are compensated, and like I said, I believe they should be. Because although altruistic surrogacy sounds nice, it's not always recommended because it can sometimes bring up feelings of resentment. , it can actually make things more awkward than if you are compensating a surrogate.

Surrogates go through a lot for someone else's family. You know, While they all do this because they want to help, the compensation paid usually makes things feel more fair in the relationship, to be completely honest.  And remember, like, a surrogate will need to take time away from work and her children for surrogacy and pregnancy related appointments and recovery.

So she's making sacrifices to her time and body. , I'm still amazed truly that there are people out there that will do this for other people. I don't care how seamless your pregnancy is. If you've been pregnant before, you know that your body changes, your emotions change, like you are a different person, when you're pregnant and you can't live the life you're used to, when you're carrying a baby, especially for somebody else.

So. She's putting forth no small effort into this journey, let me tell you. Compensation for all of this is fair and reasonable. And honestly, I mean, it feels really good coming from the intended parent's perspective to know that it is a mutually beneficial relationship. I know that Maranda, our surrogate, deep down, like, really wanted to help our family and wanted to, you know, help us have the baby that we've always dreamed of, especially after hearing our story and reading about everything we've been through.

But I also know that it's an opportunity for her family as well, which feels really good. She changed our life by giving us our daughter and completing our family and, you know, we helped her enhance her life by her being able to be compensated for this, it allows her to be able to support her family in additional ways, whether it's, having extra money for vacations or having extra money to put down on a house, like whatever it is for the surrogate.

It feels good to know that both of our lives are being enriched by this experience. And honestly, it's a common misconception that surrogates get rich from surrogacy. It depends on the agency and, if it's an experienced surrogate or not, but, after the pregnancy expenses and doctor's bills and lawyers and everything, you know, what you're paying the agency, I mean, The surrogate is getting anywhere from, and this varies by state, of course, by state, by experience, year after year.

I mean, I do notice that even in the last few years, I mean, surrogates are getting compensated more, which they should, especially because there's not as many surrogates out there as there used to be. It took a  dip post COVID, but, hopefully 5 years later, there are more women who are willing to do this for others. But base compensation for a surrogate can honestly be anywhere from 25, 000 to 70, 000.  That's enough to set aside for a new home or child's college fund or, add an additional income to your home, you know, whatever it is, it's not exactly a fortune, and so people are clearly not in it just for the money.

So the last thing I wanted to touch on is how much contact do surrogates and intended parents share with each other? It really just depends on the individual relationship and honestly the preferences of the parties involved. Most surrogacy partners find that they do enjoy staying in touch before, during, and even after, surrogacy.

Other partners might prefer less contact and will be content to go their separate ways after the baby is born. But contact schedules can be established to help create healthy boundaries and clear expectations for everyone from the beginning. So intended parents and surrogates, you will usually know when the other is going to check in with an update about the baby.

Although some partners just enjoy chatting and sharing in their excitement because the emotional and surrogacy, many surrogates and parents. Form a close and lasting friendship between the two families when we were looking for a match. You know, this is something that we were asked.

What kind of relationship are we looking for with our gestational carrier for me personally? I, it was kind of hard to answer at first.  I was still kind of grasping with  the idea of  another woman carrying my baby. It's a weird thing to get used to, I didn't think I'd ever get used to it, but truthfully, the second she got pregnant and we started going to appointments and everything, it is just a friendship and admiration that just is natural.

We did not chat every day and see each other all the time, obviously, but actually for her being in Texas and me being in Illinois, we actually saw each other a decent amount, you know, a couple of times in Illinois and like three times. almost once a month, I'd say, throughout the pregnancy. you know, there was a lot of lulls in the pregnancy where everything was just fine,  no important appointments or nothing super exciting going on.

But At least once a week, we were connecting via text, which was both of our preferred methods, you know, we both have children, we both have busy lives going on. So texting and sharing photos and videos and me being able to FaceTime in the appointments we weren't at was always really great. And that worked out really well for us.

Now, as far as our relationship. Post birth, this was one. I really didn't know how it would all evolve. I know, Maranda obviously had been a surrogate once before. So she had another family post birth. , and what she had told me at first was just that they kind of had like a monthly check in, like the parents would send her, you know, a monthly milestone photo and they would kind of just keep in touch casually that way.

And I kind of thought that's what I was looking for as well. You know, I was definitely prepared to just let the friendship blossom however it would, whether that meant more contact or less. But it was  clear that I always want Lorelei to know who brought her into this world and helped us out.

And, you know, we have plenty of photos and, it was really cool that Hunter and Noah got to meet her family as well because it kind of, made it that much more special. And I love that as she gets older, you know, she'll see pictures of all of us together with Maranda, pregnant with her and just know that that's part of her story.

So for the first four months post partum, even though I'm taking care of, Lorelei as a newborn, we're figuring out our new normal as a family of five. Uh, Maranda was truthfully like very top of mind. I kept thinking about her recovery and just. Still like the selfless act that she did for us.

I mean witnessing the birth and being in the hospital and being there for it all was just  a once in a lifetime opportunity because I've never experienced birth like that. I've never had, a birthing experience that wasn't traumatic and that was just purely joyful. So that is a memory I'll cherish forever.

But yeah, like being postpartum it was just so apparent to me that like, wow, she's recovering and I'm fine. Like I'm tired because I'm getting up feeding my baby, but like my body is intact and my mind is intact. And if you've been pregnant before, you know how those hormones postpartum change you.

So it was a really interesting experience. And honestly, I felt after everything I'd been through, I just felt very empowered, feeling in control of myself while taking care of our daughter. As the months went on, of course, I was sending her monthly milestones and letting her know how well Lorelei was doing and how happy she was.

And then as every month goes by, it's less and less top of mind. And I don't mean that in any disrespectful way. It's just that with Lorelei being like nine months old now, it's. pretty wild just to feel so removed from the surrogacy experience when like less than a year ago we were in Texas in the hospital watching her birth like as outsiders.

I just, it's really hard to wrap your brain around, but it is truly. unique, how the relationship can evolve over time and, and how it feels, you know, for better or worse. So if you are considering surrogacy, it's going to be hard to look down the road as to what it will feel like, what that will look like when your baby is in your arms and home with you and you kind of settle into your new life.

A lot of it will just depend on your relationship with your surrogate, what that looked like during pregnancy, are you local, are you not, and then honestly I think it depends too, like is it your first child or is it your third, like it is for us, I mean, we really just Have a lot going on.

And so the admiration and the gratefulness and everything is still there for Maranda and her family. But we both are living our own lives. And so the monthly update is something I just like to keep in touch with. For her own sake too. I mean, she's nine months postpartum just to kind of look back and be like, Hey, like you did this.

Thank you.  But I also want to say thank goodness for social media because that is such a natural and organic way for me to keep up with her family and her to keep up with what we're doing. And, , it always feels good just to  see that they're living their happy lives. And so are we.

 There are so many other surrogacy questions that I could dive into everything from,  how do you match with somebody? How much does surrogacy cost? How long does it take? I think I've covered this in a previous episode, but kind of wanted to just touch base for those of you who might be interested in learning more because it's been very top of mind for me with all the follow up questions from those people who, don't see Lorelei often and maybe have only this was over the holidays and met her for the second time or first time even. Kind of caught me off guard because it hasn't been top of mind for me. If you have any questions at all, if you are considering surrogacy, or if you need a recommendation of an agency, or if you are interested in becoming a surrogate yourself, I always have a link in the show notes. You can click that link to learn more and you can actually earn up to 650. Truly just by taking the first few steps to learn more. You're not committing that you're becoming a surrogate. But you know, you're taking the first few steps and you will be compensated for that. So if it's something that's on your heart to do for another family, consider checking out that link.

And as always, I'm here to support your family building options and answer any questions  don't be afraid to reach out. My email is hello at motherhood intended dot com. You can dm me on instagram message me  In the Motherhood Intended Community group on Facebook, all the things.

Thanks for listening today, leave a review if you enjoyed this episode, pass it along to somebody you know, I appreciate it as always. I hope you're staying warm if you're in the Midwest like I am, I hope you're staying safe if you're out in the West.

 Lots going on in the country right now. So just try to stay  intentional about the choices that you make each and every day to keep a positive mindset and keep yourself feeling great. If you haven't yet listened to our first village chat segment that came out yesterday my husband and I chat about our new habits that we are hoping to implement and we just kind of talk about being very intentional with our year. That is our word of the year is intentional. So if you're looking to do the same, there's a link in the show notes I created. A free download. It's a habit and goal tracker. I have found that writing things down is just. So, so helpful. So give it a try. It'll also sign you up for our email list and, you will receive weekly emails from me coming soon. That's all I have for you today. I hope you have a great weekend and I will talk to you again next week.