The Village Chat: Sisters Talk Age Gaps Between Siblings

In this episode of Motherhood Intended, Jacqueline is joined by her sister, Megan, for another Village Chat! Together they delve into the topic of age gaps between siblings and share their personal experiences discussing the pros and cons of having children several years apart. Megan, who has an almost five-year-old son, talks about her thoughts and feelings on potentially expanding her family and the challenges that come with it. The sisters also compare their own experiences growing up as siblings close in age and the different dynamics that age gaps can create. 

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EPISODE BREAKDOWN:

00:20 Discussing Age Gaps Between Siblings

01:31 Pros and Cons of Age Gaps

03:20 Personal Experiences and Reflections

04:52 Challenges and Fears of Having Another Child

09:41 Balancing Career and Family

15:20 Physical and Emotional Aspects of Pregnancy

Transcript

 Welcome back to another episode of the village chat.  Megan is back here on the mic with me.  For those of you who haven't heard an episode with me and Megan, first off, go back and listen, obviously. Megan's my sister. My younger sister, uh, lucky.  Um, lucky. 

Wait, call me young again. 

I know, you're so young. Even though we're only two years apart. Okay, .  But today on the Village Chat we're going to talk about when there's a gap in between your kids. So like for example, Lorelai and Noah are four and a half. years apart, even after four years, it felt very out of the baby game when she came around. Just the newborn stage and having a baby and revisiting all the baby things. So much has changed in four or five years with the products and everything.  You want to have another baby one day. And so, Like we said, Sylas is five, so you two will experience the age gap. But there's pros and cons,   the idea of thinking about having another baby after a handful of years, what's on your mind about that? What are some things that you're thinking about, the thought of being pregnant again? 

Yeah, well. I would say like just the idea of having another kid, let's put the act of being pregnant and all of that aside for a second. I think for both Dan and I, it's like going into it, we are confident that that's what we want for Sylas.

Like we want Sylas to have a sibling.  We're very much hoping for a sibling for him. Um, but I think the things that I'm focused on this time around are not, again,  I've, Done this once. 

Right. 

So I have all that experience. 

Yeah. 

But now I'm just more focused on I guess the age gap initially.

Yeah. 

But throughout the last, I would say two years, I've been so focused on what a con might be of that age gap. You know, I'm like, oh, they have nothing in common. 

Yeah. 

And like, you know, we're gonna have an older kid and like such a baby. But I have been diving into, I want to say the TikToks. Is that what, is that what we called it?

The TikToks. That's what I hear. Word on the street. 

I've been diving into the TikToks. 

Saw it on the TikToks. 

On the TikToks and this is probably like the universe, Alexa, all the bots. 

Yeah. Just like hearing my 

All the bots. 

Talk about this stuff because they just, you know, randomly pop up on my feed now. Um, but, seeing videos of like, 10 year olds that have, a two year old or one year old sibling. And all you see is. The little baby or the toddler standing at the door while the older kid comes off of the bus and they just embrace and like the 10 year old is just like so happy and, and even just seeing Sylas at school, right now, he's the oldest at his school because Montessori school is starting at age two and 

and it's like mix like they're with each other, right? 

Yeah. So I've been lucky enough to go to his school for like the Thanksgiving feast and things like that and seeing him interact with the little ones and even I'm like, but they're cousins and niece. Yes. Yes. I'm just like, Oh my gosh. Okay. When our kids were taking baby Jacob, yes. Their cousin around and holding their hands. 

And was it hazel too? They were walking around with the toddlers and then they're like, here comes the cousin parade.

Right. So those are the moments that I'm clinging on to. I'm like, Oh my gosh, that is just so special. And like, that's how it's going to be. And I'm also convincing myself, I mean, again, he's  It's going to be five years old,  still has,  a while to, to go. I'm actually like listening to what I say, hopefully that gets better.

Um, But you know, just having him actually help with things and I'm sure you can probably speak to that on Hunter Noah with. Lorelei, but yeah, those are the kinds of things that I'm now focused on, now that I've drawn the cons out of the window. Like, it's what it is. Don't focus on the cons. Like, that's just life.

I mean, the cons are essentially, those are the uncontrollables, right? Which is the age gap. Not everyone's story pans out that way. I didn't envision a five year age gap in between, my kids, but. 

No. 

That's the scenario. And like you said, pros and cons, I was very focused on it too for a while. And I was like, Oh my gosh. I hope if this works out, like, how can we figure out to do this again? We always wanted four kids. And I was like, and that, at least if there's a gap, then they'd be close together. And some of it too, was like, we grew up.

There was four of us, four siblings. We were close together within two years. And then obviously our brothers are twins. And there was an age gap between you and the twins, five years. now seeing it, when I look at it from that perspective, obviously us being older, we're like so close with our brothers and like, we're all parents. Like it's like same same. 

I think that's what I clung on to for a while is you and me, the distance, the very small. It's hard to picture not. Right. I'm like, how do you? That's just. You have a sibling that's like that, but you're close to. 

Well, and on the flip side, I've always been, grateful that Hunter and Noah are close in age, but that was a hard thing I struggled with , because  I can't see not having a sister.

Yeah.

We had each other, and I'm like, Oh my gosh, Lorelei, doesn't. And that's something I've, recently come to terms with, though, because of, Cousins being close to their family and friends having kids it's gonna be okay And she has two older brothers like that. Our family is complete. Our family is full And the age gap pro would be, I'd say so many things from a parenting perspective. And again, she's nine months. Like, yeah. Talk to me again when they're older. I mean, I'm sure it's going to be difficult when, I don't know, I've got teenagers and then like a little, I don't know, you know, it's always going to be changing.

That's just normal. But the pros you know, the older ones are self sufficient.  Two under two was so freaking hard. The fact that I was even trying for a third during that time,  is mind boggling to think about now, because I was so overwhelmed. 

No, I thought about it while you were doing it.

Oh yeah, you were like, you cray. 

What are you doing? 

Why are you doing this?  Yeah, that seems 

like cats. We don't have nine lives.  

Literally.  That was hard. And obviously during the pandemic too. Like, holy shit. They were two under two. But Hunter wasn't even really two because he was such a preemie. I mean, he wasn't even caught up to his age yet. 

Right. 

  He started walking right before. Noah was born. So it's like, I have one wobbling around and the other one is like, I'm trying to pump.  Oh  I'm getting chills thinking about that again. Like, God love them. I have so many fond memories of them being little and I wish I could shrink them back down. 

But that was a hard time. And Lorelei, this time around, different for the obvious reasons of like, I'm not postpartum and you know, my brain and body are intact, which is a crazy experience in itself. But they are potty trained. They were going to school, even if it's just preschool, like going to school.

They were helpful. I mean, there was obviously, and it doesn't matter what the AGF is, you will still get this with Sylas. It's still an adjustment. I mean, Noah wouldn't even come downstairs the day we brought Lorelei home. Oh, that's what I'm hearing. He ran upstairs and wouldn't come down. Yeah.

Despite being very excited and us talking about it for months and months and seeing Maranda pregnant,  it was just like, it hit him all at once. Like, Oh, there's a little one and  it's not me 

I'm glad you brought that up because that actually is one of my stressors and my fears is that, you know, he's five years old and  it has been our little family, Dan and I, Sylas, for the longest time.

Don't forget. And so don't forget the cats room. 

I know. There's just too many. I can't even name them anymore. Just kidding. There's only three. I'm not a cat lady until you're four. I only have three. 

I mean, some  may say three is a cat lady, but anyway. 

I don't live alone with cats, though.

That's true. It doesn't apply. 

But where was I going with that now?  You know, hearing how Noah reacted , at least he had  his brother there. So for me, in my head, I'm like, what if he does that?  He's been our baby. And I, I feel like we have to be so careful about  the words we say and  what we do , I don't want him to feel any less. I want him to feel like our family is. Growing and this is exciting and I have a feeling that if, you know, if we were blessed to have another kid, that when we gave him the news, he would be very excited. 

Yeah, 

but again, it doesn't know what he doesn't know. 

Well until the baby's there. It's not going to hit 

right. But all of those worries I have no matter what, it's going to be an adjustment period, but I do have worry of him acting out and all of that. 

And he might, like, yeah, I think that's normal with anyone expecting another sibling. And to say that, like, Yes, Noah had Hunter, but Hunter was excited. Hunter welcomed Lorelei from the beginning. 

Yeah, and then they flipped Hunter was like, oh my gosh, she's here. He like understood more of the magnitude of the situation that like there's a new person in our family. This is great. We've been talking about this. We've been praying this for so long, like all these things. And so he was very excited at the start. And then I think when he realized,  oh, she like doesn't do anything.  Out of sight, out of mind. And then he went back to school, like, didn't really care. And then Noah came around and was like, mom, do you need a diaper? Mom, she's crying.

Mom, mom. I mean, for better or worse, always in her face.  Very, very attentive. But, also just, like, back, right back up.  Then it flipped totally.  He  understood like, wait, you need me? Like, I can be helpful. Oh, I can do this, but she can't. You know, like you're the big boy. 

She's a baby. She can't do that. Or don't give her that. That's your choice. She's only a baby until right.  Right. And, I think middle child or not. I mean, again, transitioning from Hunter to Noah, like he was too young. He doesn't remember that. The big brother thing  I think is just now hitting  it wasn't until he went to Kindergarten  but even then he still was like a little guy like this year first grade was the divide of them and you've noticed it too because Noah and Sylas being the same age are  inseparable and now it's Hunter being like  I don't want to do what they're doing anymore Or they they won't do this or whatever like there's been this divide and for whatever reason 1st grade has been a leap. Can't relate to the pre K kids anymore or whatever, you know? So, I think there'll be growing pains regardless. 

I'm not,  letting that hold me back in any capacity. 

No, they're just like valid feelings. 

Just like,  things that I think about. 

Yeah. Do you ever think about, aside from Sylas, what are your fears or excitements or whatever about like if you were to have a baby again 

Yeah, I would say fears that I like I couldn't do all the things then And I have a way more demanding job now. There's higher stakes  in just everything that I'm 

You're killing it. 

Shut up. 

Boss bitch. 

 But you know, everything comes with a price. But I think that's what I worry is like, okay, now I'm at this level. In my career, and  this is what our life looks like now. How the hell,  if I could barely do it then, how do I do it now?

That's my number one fear. I know,  I know I'm, everyone just figures it out. We will figure it out, but I don't, you know, You just, 

you just leap, and then it works out. 

Right, so there's that, and then I think the other thing is, Well, I guess, I guess it's kind of like similar, just like, All the juggling, you know, he's going to be at an age where he's going to start doing more activities, you know, if we've kind of held off on that since he's, you know, been younger and yeah, it's just more of a hassle to have to like, push him to do some of the stuff.

Yeah. 

But now he's. Gonna start to actually want to do all those other things. So, balancing his schedule with all the newborn things and figuring that out and then my mind immediately goes to like Summer and all of that, but it's everything and it doesn't matter. I guess if you have one kid, two kids  Well, I was gonna say, 

well, 

I was gonna say eight kids, but that life's gotta be a little bit different.

That's different. 

But yeah, I think it's just managing like how, how in the world, 

like the unknown of what that will look like. 

Exactly. Because I've only had one. But one, as you and I have talked about before, one actually has certain challenges that. Two or three or four don't have. Yeah.  

But, you know, vice versa.

For sure. Yeah. I mean, the fear of the unknown is always,  the big one.  I had it mostly with Lorelei. Because with the boys, I just  I didn't take a beat to even think about it. I was just so excited that we brought a baby home. And that IVF worked. And then I was like Okay, um, so we know how to do this now. Let's, let's  get her done. Boom, boom, boom. I was not thinking about anything. Also, what goes hand in hand with this is I knew nothing about postpartum or the mental health stuff I know now or trauma or anything. I was like, I did it. Let's keep succeeding. Yeah, but then life really hit me in the face and I was like, you know what?

And when we paused during COVID, obviously not a great time, but it was a very peaceful time in our family.  we were obviously lucky enough to stay healthy, but Oh my gosh. I was like, I don't, I'm not going to rock this boat. Like this feels good. I finally got a handle on things. I'm enjoying them.

Like we get slowed down. You finally felt, Oh, so nice.  So nice. And I was just getting in the swing of like, Being a stay at home mom and doing preschool at home. And it was, it's one of my favorite times and now I was very fearful of that. I was like, how the hell, I don't even know how I take two different school drop offs, two different school pickups. They each have  typically one activity that they do a week and then the baby schedule and when she was first born, it was like, they nap, they just sleep.

So like she was like an accessory that I brought in the carrier everywhere.  And then like the four month, five month market. And I was like. No, but she really needs her morning nap and then she's gonna nap again and like whatever and now definitely at nine months she's not falling asleep on the go and she's eating food Like I have to feed her. She has a strict schedule, you know She has wake windows and nap times and I'm like, it's hard, especially when Josh is out of town And so that was a fear but you do figure it out and you make it work and the interesting thing whether it's your second Or your third or whatever like they They don't know any better.

They adjust to your life. That's your life. I think every kid other than your first is going to be different, right? With Hunter, it was like, oh, no, we got, oh, we got to get home. It's his nap time. Time to make sure we don't want to skip. Oh, we're two minutes late to nap. Two minutes late. Yep. And then when Noah came around, I mean, like, sure, we had a schedule and we had a structure, but it wasn't as strict as Hunter's.

We weren't as attentive. When Lorelei came around, I was like, I don't know. I think she should be doing two naps now. I don't know. What are we doing? No, we're still at the bar. What's today? Yeah, it's fine. It does help that she's super chill because like, you know, but she's not anymore. She's not. And now that she has a personality and  she likes to scream and tell us that she's unhappy or bored.

You know, she has so many, it's not just sleep and awake now. It's like, I'm bored. I want to be entertained. I want to roll around. I want to jump like all the things. Yeah. But you will, you figure it out. But it's a very valid fear. I mean, it's, it's the fear of the unknown. Right. 

Which is funny because it's actually the fear of the unknown. That's the same fear that you had the very first time having children. 

Absolutely. 

It just takes a different shape and form the second time around. It does. It does. But on the positive side, and you will feel it once you're in it, it's because that's what I was worried about. I was like, it feels so long. I don't remember anything. I feel like I'm Googling all the things. That fear that you have, like with the first, like, is it too cold in there? Is he eating enough? Is he getting enough weight? Like, is it good? Is it good? You don't have that, I mean, there's always some degree, obviously, you want to make sure you're doing things correct, but  you know better now, after the first, you know better, you're like, it'll be fine, or like, even when they're a toddler, like, it'll be fine if he eats that, we're not gonna get crazy with it, or, oh, he's looking at a screen, yeah, baby, it will be fine, we're not gonna lose our sleep over that, you know, you just, you do what you do, and,  Every experience is gonna be different.

I mean you and me and then the boys And I used to give mom a hard time about this like how things were so different for them I was always thought it was unfair, but I get it now.  It's different You had four like when when I'm talking about.

I think it's different, but I'm still a little salty.

Well, there's some things. 

Right. 

There's some things like girls versus boys that I'm salty about.

Right.

Like, why would, why would you let them do that? You didn't let us do that. Or was there a higher standard for us? Right. But when it comes to like they've gotten to  the third and fourth child and they're just like, I mean, meh.

Right. Yes. In that aspect. 

I get it. Yeah. I get it. Like the little things. 

Right. 

Before we wrap up, the last thing I wanted to ask you is as far as like the physical part of  being pregnant or the idea of Being pregnant again and giving birth again. Like how do you feel about that? Cuz this obviously mine my situation is different and I've talked to other friends who are like, oh my gosh I wish the baby could just be here about like the thought of being pregnant again. Well, but other people are like I loved it 

Yeah, as you know, I'm not one of those people that love being pregnant  

And that's coming from someone who actually you had a pretty like uneventful pregnancy, 

right? I it was It was mostly uneventful. Everything went fine.  I mean for me, just like a lot of women,  it was the sickness. I was sick. So sick. All of first trimester. A little bit into second trimester.  And hearing Some other people's stories like my actually my neighbor actually had a way worse and like she like had to be hospitalized for that. 

Oh, oh my gosh. What is that? It's called something. I don't remember that. 

I don't remember what it's called.

Circle back if you're listening. Someone knows the term. I'll google it, but don't judge us.  I can't remember what it's called. 

But no, that's, unfortunately, that's like a lot of what I remember. And I, at the time, you know, where we were living and what our life looked like, it was a little bit of a struggle, which we were like in limbo a little bit, which made everything harder, but I'm trying, this time around, I'm hoping that it's different and that I'm not as sick,  because it really affected me. Like I literally, I, I was, I feel like I was depressed a lot, the first trimester, because I hated how I was feeling, I was still getting used to, like, not being able to do the things,  but putting that aside, like, it was just the sickness, and just, like, feeling like crap all the time, and then, 

while still trying to live your life.

Right, and then when you have people like, oh, you're, like, it's so exciting, like, how are you feeling? 

I feel like shit, this is the worst. 

Right, like, if my eyes could just, actually, they could. 

I was like, don't worry, your eyes, your eyes can do that.

 But. That's, that's what I'm worried about the second time around is that I hope it's not like that, but, I think this time I'm going to have, call them the distractions, but, like, really it's just, I have way more responsibilities now that  I'm not gonna have time to even, like, sit there and think about how I'm feeling, , most of the time is a bad thing,  but I think with that, it could be a good thing because I'm not, hyper focused on how sick I feel.

Yeah. 

And I also know it's  different,  we've been trying to have a second. So this is

You're coming at it with a different perspective. 

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. 

And appreciation almost. 

Right. So I'm hoping the appreciation, the just like no moments to even think about my 

Literally. And because you're already a mom, like it's gonna, your pregnancy is going to go by that much faster because that's what I Remember thinking not so much  with Noah because, you know, spent a month in the hospital and that was special and that like slowed everything down and it was just like, there was too many question marks still, but even though it's hard to bring up, but  with Maren being , pregnant that time, I mean, that really, that experience was the best pregnancy I ever experienced.

Obviously it was only like half a pregnancy, but it flew by, but I really took in every moment because I had time to pause after the boys, you know, and it wasn't IVF related, we just got pregnant. And so I was like, wow. Like I wanna like take in every moment of this because I, it could be the last time I get pregnant.

 Yeah, that's the other thing. 

It's likes like, you know, you just, like, you see it differently. It's not so much of an unknown  but it's  more so like.  A want, you know, and especially when time passes and you want this so bad and it's  not happening  the second it happens. You're like, oh my gosh,  okay. I'm just gonna it's not it's not easy, but Remember that I wanted to be in this position, which it doesn't like cancel out any feelings of like this sucks and I hate feeling shitty  Because that's something that I didn't realize either I was like, I don't want to complain because this is what I want and I worked really hard and like I'm lucky to be in this position, but at the same time, I should be able to be like, this fucking sucks. I hate being pregnant. I hate it. I am.

I have to sugarcoat stuff. 

Right. Exactly. But the other thing too, is being busy with work, being busy with Sylas, like it probably will fly by and because you've been pregnant before, you're not thinking about like every little twinge as much.

Yeah. Yeah. Hopefully.

Because you're just like, in theory, going about your day. 

But I love that you say about the want, because yes, you know, when you're going into trying to have your first child, You want that,  but you don't, you're not actually understanding what it is that you are wanting and now that after you have one, you know, the love of a child and what that feels like and what that means next level, something that you could have never, that one would have never, ever have been able to be there for you in the beginning. So I think that is. Truly what is 

knowing what it is 

exactly. 

Yeah, 

knowing what it is, 

 you bring that up. I thought I've said this before in the different light of like, that's why I think when we lost Maren,  everything hit different because. Now I knew what I lost like when we lost the twins, it was just the idea of being pregnant and like being parents, but then the love and having Hunter and Noah, you're like,  Oh my God.

And then all of our losses  came back, which I was not prepared for. I was like, I've done this before. It's fine. Like, it's not fine, but like, I'll get through it. And man, that was a hard one  but it's true. Whether you are like, just trying to start your family for the first time. I think without reproductive assistance, like on your own, or if you need fertility help,  it's still that first one, it's still like a dream you're chasing. 

Right. Exactly. 

And after that first one, you're chasing a person, you're chasing a son, a daughter, a  family member that's going to complete your family or grow your family,  and it hits so different.

Right. 

Like, when it's not the first time around. 

That, that is spot on, I think, like the, like you said, that's the number one thing that makes, makes it so different after years. 

Yeah. Cause you're, you're changed. As soon as you become a mom, you're different. 

You're never, never the same. 

You're never going to see it the same.

Yeah. 

Yeah. 

For sure. Well, we could talk about this all day. 

Sure can.

I love this topic, actually, because there are, and I didn't even get into all the pros and cons of  an age gap because there's just so many, and I've talked to a lot of moms who have  been in the same position and who are like, I don't know. I think there's more pros to the waiting and other moms who are like, I don't know 

that lean into them, 

right? I think it's all personal like if you're 40 like and you want to get her done  that makes sense But for them the people who maybe started their family younger and have the age gap I've heard a lot of pros, I'm just gonna say, I'm just gonna say, well, thank you, Megan, for sharing your thoughts. This has been fun as always. 

Yes. Um. Thank you for having me. 

Absolutely. Yeah. If anyone else wants to chime in on this conversation, because I'd love to know what other people think, , join us in the Motherhood Intended Community Group on Facebook, or send me a DM on Instagram, send me an email, whatever, it's all in the show notes.

I'm curious, what's your spacing between your children. Do you think there are pros, cons? How's it going for you? Any insight for us who, you know, have a four or five year age gap?  Or I also, I'm on the other side. We're two under two at one point. You know, close in age. So, I'm curious. I'm curious what your families look like.

Give us some insight. Let us know what you think. and if you're not pregnant yet, let us know what your plans are. Maybe out of the gate, you know that you want to have kids. It's two years apart and that's your plan. We know plans don't always go to plan, but maybe you're one of those people who are like, I'm going to have one and then I'm going to, I'll know when it's time. Maybe it's four years, maybe it's five years. I don't know. We'll see. 

Right. 

Reach out. Let us know. Want to hear about it. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup.  Thanks so much. We will chat again soon. Thank you. Excited to be back.