Surrogacy Reflections: Celebrating Lorelei's 1st Birthday

In this episode of Motherhood Intended, Jacqueline celebrates a significant milestone: the first birthday of her daughter Lorelei, who was born via surrogacy. Joined by her husband Josh, the two reflect on their journey from deciding to pursue surrogacy to reaching this joyous milestone. They discuss the emotional highs and lows, the logistics and financial challenges, and the overwhelming joy of bringing Lorelei into their family. Jacqueline and Josh share valuable insights and advice for other hopeful parents considering surrogacy, emphasizing the beauty of how families can be built in diverse and incredible ways. This heartwarming episode is not just a tribute to their daughter's first trip around the sun, but also an inspiring reminder that love, resilience, and intention are at the core of every family's journey.

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EPISODE BREAKDOWN:

01:21 Reflecting on Lorelei's First Year

03:41 Mixed Emotions on Completing Our Family

07:57 The Day Lorelei Was Born

11:03 Challenges of Parenting Three Kids

14:29 Our Path to Surrogacy

19:29 Navigating the Surrogacy Process

23:36 Financial Realities of Surrogacy

25:34 The Joy of Holding Our Baby for the First Time

27:19 Reflecting on the Surrogacy Journey

32:01 Bonding with Our Baby Through Surrogacy

40:05 Hopes and Dreams for Lorelei's Future

44:42 Advice for Hopeful Parents Considering Surrogacy

Transcript

 Hey, friends. This week on Motherhood Intended, we are celebrating a very special milestone, one year of life of our beautiful baby girl who, as you know, was born through surrogacy. So today on the podcast, I have my husband here. Josh is joining me. yo, yo, yo. And,  if you're watching on video or see a clip of us, we are in the same house.

We are in two different rooms. We have upgraded the podcast situation, the studio, if you will, at home, however. I had to get new mics 'cause I bought the wrong ones. And so it wasn't technical difficulties. Yeah. And I thought it was my like lack of technical knowledge. Um, but AI was like, it's not you, you have the wrong microphones for what you're trying to do.

So, the new setup will come soon. So anyway, we are in this  same house, just different rooms recording a different way 'cause we are savvy like that.  But yeah, today we're gonna be reflecting on our journey, our one year with Lorelei. We're gonna talk about our decision to pursue surrogacy,  some of the emotional moments we've had along the way.

And then of course, just kind of. Reflecting and sitting in the overwhelming joy that we've had, with our daughter's first year. So whether you are exploring your own path to parenthood or just simply love a heartwarming story, this episode will definitely remind you that families are built on love, resilience, and intention.

 I can't even believe that our daughter is one. It's going by crazy that we were talking about it this morning. Like just. Literally, I think this was personally the quickest year of my life.

It flew by, I mean it seems like yesterday we were down in Texas and boom. Now she's one and she is full of life and vibrant and funny and all the things that we want to. I know it's, it's insane. I think it feels extra fast.    Like they say the days are long, but the years are short and especially that first year, you know, it just, it doesn't typically fly by.

I feel like it did for the boys too. But this one, this year, when especially fast, I mean, I'm sure for a multitude of reasons, I kind of feel like, part of it went fast because we have three kids now and we are doing all the things and we're just busy and there's no time to just like sit and like revel in the moment all the time.

 You know, I think the other thing too is like, experiencing the death of three daughters, um, and not being able to bring. Those babies of ours home and now to have Lorelei with us and just like looking back on this last year, it's just, I think it also flew by because I've truly waited my whole life to have a daughter.

I mean, I always wanted a son as well, but when I was a little girl, you know, I pictured. I dunno if this is selfish or just like normal, but like yeah, like a little mini me who's like gonna play with your dollies and like wear skirts and stuff. Um, and I know that like, okay, whatever. None of this is like politically correct and that doesn't mean she's gonna love skirts or dolls she does right now at one.

Um, but anyway. You know, it was just something I always dreamed of. And so it's just so surreal to me that like, I feel like I waited a lifetime and now she's here and we blinked and that first year has come and gone. Yeah. I hope it does slow down.  I, I think year one too was like wrapped up in the excitement and the what, not saying the next year aren't gonna be, but like, especially the first years, the joy, the excitement is like.

Again, to your point, we've waited so long for this moment. We have her home now and we took every day, you know, as a blessing, but like, it really did go by quick. So in my hopes that it slows down just a tad, you know, to get even more enjoyment out of the next, you know, 17 years of her life before she leaves the nest.

Oh my God. I know. Yeah. I mean, I think this, this milestone just means a lot to us. More so than, I mean, every first birthday does, but like with Lorelei. We have decided that our family is complete, and so this is like the end of a parenting era for us. Mm-hmm. She's technically officially a toddler now, and we have closed the chapter on babies in our, in our family, which is, I don't know.

I have mixed emotions about it. I mean, I'm, and I'm sure you and I have different emotions, but like, how does it We do. Yes. Does that, how does this milestone make you feel? Uh, I feel great. I feel good. I think, um, you know, just looking back at the past nine, 10 years of trying to get pregnant and getting pregnant and dealing with what we've been through.

I mean, again, it just feels like a very long chapter of our life closed. And it's, it's just moving on to the next, it's moving on to experience the different things with the boys and with Lorelei it's moving on to, you know, go out of town on a whim if we want to. It's, it's, you know, creating experiences with,

our children and not really focusing on having more because that part of our life is complete. So now it's, it's moving on. It's just being a family of five. And I don't wanna use the word content, but I'm gonna go with it. Being content with where our family's at and onward and upward. Yeah, I mean, I definitely agree with that.

I, on, I feel mixed emotions, but everything you just said, I completely agree. There is something that feels so exciting and freeing about moving forward in our marriage, in our lives with like enjoying our family, knowing that like mm-hmm we are not in pursuit. Of growing our family because for other people, you know, who don't need reproductive assistance or who haven't experienced multiple losses or high risk pregnancies, you know, growing your family is an exciting time, but it's never been that way for us.

It's been a challenge. It's been a lot of sacrifice. Um, a lot of. Therapy and challenges and just like so many things. And so yeah, to not be in that part anymore and kind of be in like the next 10 years, I would say is even more healing and just like enjoyment and moving on and like enjoying what.

We've built and what God's given us because,  it's been a lot. It's been a lot. And the thought been a lot. Yeah. And, and I'm sure because I'm a woman and like, I thought I kind of grieved this more, I think I grieve this part, like the pregnancy part, obviously when I had to mm-hmm. Get used to the idea of loralle being carried by a surrogate.

 Like I feel good about that. Like a year ago I was like. I am fully fine with never being pregnant again. That is not something I, I don't look at like a family member or a friend who's pregnant and be like, oh my gosh, I wish it were me. Take me back. Yeah. Like, I don't, and a lot of that's because I never had a good experience with it.

Right. But the fact of not having another baby and doing that again, oh, part of me, um. Actually, you know what? It's not even that because yeah, when I think about like the sleepless nights and all the baby stuff and like how you don't have the freedom of like even going to another room 'cause you always have them with you.

 Not saying like toddlerhood is gonna be easy. That's a whole, we know this. Like that's a whole mm-hmm. Next level. But, I guess I don't miss that. I just miss. Or I should say, I have to get used to the idea that like, that part of life is done. You know, like so much of the last decade of motherhood for me, has been surrounded by trying to get pregnant and have babies, like babies, babies, babies have been on the brain for so long.

And now to just be like, all right,  we're, we're looking at our family, and I like to, my core feel complete, but it's just, it's just weird. It's a shift in my identity to be completely honest. Knowing that going forward, our kids who seem to age even quicker than ever, like that's, that's where we're going.

Like we're chapter closed. And so it's a little bit of a shift, especially as like a stay at home mom and somebody who puts all of my extra fake, fake, extra time into. Helping others with infertility and stuff. I don't know. It just feels like a little bit of I identity shift to close that chapter. But overall, I feel all the things you first said, and I'm very excited for the years to come and I'm so grateful for our family and I, and Lorelei truly completes us.

She's great. Yeah. Okay, so let's go back to this time last year. What do you remember most about the day that she was born? What I remember most was, I mean, a little bit of confusion 'cause we had a birth pain in place that we discussed with,  Maranda and. The firm that we used, our agency our surrogacy agency.

Yes. Yeah.  Those doctors and nurses did not get that memo, so there was a lot of confusion.  When she was born and when she was. Coming out. And so, um, but nonetheless, it was just excitement and overwhelming of joy when we finally got to hold her. I think that was, that was the best, it was the best feeling.

Yeah. I know. When I think back to this time last year, I'm like, the emotions that were going through us, I mean, we got to Texas a few days before she was born and like. All we could do was, wait. I mean, what do we do? We played like 18 million rounds of cards. Um, we just like putz around the hotel, tried to kill time 'cause we didn't wanna like go too far.

We were right by the hospital, but we also like couldn't fully indul. It's not like we were like right. Having drinks all day at night. 'cause at any moment we could be new parents. So, um, yeah, we just kind of like killed time. But I just remember thinking like. We had a plan, um, every more of a plan than we've ever had.

We've never had a plan, so that was kind of nice to know, like what to expect. We'd been in the hospital before and then as soon as like any birth plan that's not really planned. Um, it didn't go that way, but truthfully. It was incredible to witness and amazing to be there for Lorelei's birth, obviously, and just experience it all because we've never been in that situation before.

We've never just like went to the hospital to safely have a baby, you know? It was always mm-hmm. Filled with so much, um, I don't know, like trauma and rush and like question marks. Um. But yeah, it didn't go to plan. It was such, such a short experience. Right. We were like ready to be like posted up for the day, like, okay, yeah.

Like she's gonna be induced, you know, the whole situation. And within three hours I think of being there, Lorelei was born. Mm-hmm. And I think it was like two pushes from her surrogate and she was there and she's a champ wi witnessing. That was incredible. And I just like. Oh my gosh. I still to this day, like I get teary eye thinking of Maranda and just like what she's given us, like that's been on my mind a lot today and leading up to  her birthday is just  holy cow.

 We just talked about how complete we feel and like I just, I can't imagine a life with Lorelei not in it. And we only have that. I know. Yeah. And we only have that because of someone so selfless that,  brought our baby girl into the world, and took care of her for nine months and she sacrificed, you know, her body and her time  for our family.

And it's, it's wild. It's incredible to me. It's incredible. Absolutely incredible.  Like, thank you's never enough. I don't even know what to say to her ever because I'm just like, how do you, how do you, how do you say thank you for someone for making your family dreams come true? I just dunno.

Okay. So like any parent, we obviously both had our thoughts on  going from one child to two children and then thinking about two kids to three kids, and like the fact that there was an age gap, you know, like I just had all these thoughts before going into it, and I'm sure you did too.

What has surprised you the most about like this first year of parenting now three kids? I think the biggest challenge. And surprise, I would say, is just, it's hard to dedicate time to each individual child and it's even harder to do it when they're all three in the same room. So it's a total balancing act of showing one attention.

And obviously Lorelei like can't speak, but she can yell. She sure can. So, you know, so it's balancing her not yelling versus you know, what the  boys need. So. I would say that's the biggest challenge and surprise. 'cause in my mind I was like, well, there's such a big age gap between the boys and Lorelei. Like they'll just be content doing them and that's not the case.

Yeah, that's, that was surprising for me too. I, I actually thought like the age gap would be helpful 'cause I'm like, okay, they are self-sufficient. They're seven and five and  Lorelei will need our more attention, but it. I don't think it matters the age. There definitely is a balancing act because even if they are self-sufficient and they can do, you know, certain things on their own.

They still need attention. I'm still thinking about like, what do they need from me? Like I need to like make sure everything's going okay at school. Like what are they feeling about the transition into, you know, having Lorelei into our lives and  while they're not always saying it, I think their behavior at times, especially Noah, um, has shown that he is not getting.

You know, what he needs from us, and then it's kind of causes us to like reevaluate and be like, what is going on? Like, he is acting out. Mm-hmm. And it comes in waves. Like obviously when she first came home, that wasn't a surprise. I knew it would be an adjustment for him not being the youngest anymore.

And, um, you know, I, it's not like Hunter remembers I'd say, like being the big brother, you know? I mean, he was like one and a half when we brought Noah home. Mm-hmm. But  hunter's, just a different personality, you know, like I don't mm-hmm. He's, he can like kind of just keep to his own beat of the drum, whereas like, I think do his own thing, be content doing that.

Yeah. Yeah. Whereas Noah, you know, always feels his feelings and  oh, he is very aware of his feelings in tune with what's going on. Never everyone else's. Yeah, absolutely. He really is.  Yeah, he's very emotionally intelligent when it comes to that, but yeah, that did surprise me because the balancing act is, and I think any parent of multiple children can say this, but it's hard, it's hard to give everybody what they need and Yeah.

What you're we're referencing, like when they're all in the same room. That reminds me of like, like last night, dinner, you know, like everyone chaos. Yeah. And no one was being. Like out of control or just like naughty or anything. It was just everyone wanted to talk and everyone wanted something and not like help with anything.

Just like Hunter was telling me about something he made and Noah wanted, you know, to talk about X, Y, and Z and then yes, Lo just. Because she's not like talking, talking yet, she, uh.

She just likes to scream, just feels when she needs something. And she definitely loves attention, which God, I don't know who she got that from. Mm-hmm. Both of us. Probably me. I demanded a high level of attention. Anyway. Yeah, I agree. That surprised me about this first year was just like, I thought it'd be easier to balance all the personalities and needs of our children.

And it's not, they all need all of us, like all the time. Okay, so let's  rewind a little bit for those listeners who, you know, haven't heard our whole story of what led us to surrogacy. I do encourage you to go back,  and listen to season one episodes tells our whole journey.  It even documents in real time, us going through surrogacy and deciding to go the agency route and,  all the details of that.

But in a nutshell, for those who might be new to the show,  what led us to surrogacy was essentially like, it just was not safe for my body to carry a pregnancy.  After many years of infertility and,  two miscarriages, a stillbirth, uh, just IVF and preterm deliveries and bed rest and hospital stays, and literally all the things that could have happened.

At the same time, still having this big question mark for doctors of like, we don't know how to fix your body. Um, they thought it was, insufficient cervix, which it probably was. But then, with our other daughter, it was placental abruption and just then I had hypothyroid, you know, just so many different things that our MFM doctor was essentially like. I just don't know what we would do differently. He even  talked with two other MFM doctors. He said, you know, you're welcome to get a second opinion. He's like, but I do know you already. You have a beautiful family. You have two sons and you know, it's, it hits a little differently when you have other kids to think about and the risk becomes just that much.

Greater essentially. I know like before we had kids,  I would've done anything to have a child and  then having the boys, what I experienced with Maren and I, I know obviously it scared the shit outta you too. Um,  that was the first time I ever feared for my own health because I was like, oh my gosh, like I have to be there for my kids.

Like, it was scary. I mean, being in the hospital with that placental abruption and everything happening so quickly,  all I could think about were the boys and, um. It's not, not that I had a choice in any of that matter. Everything just happened and it was out of our hands. But,  the decision to move forward to have kids or not, I mean, we both felt probably at the time, more so me than you, but I felt like our family was not complete.

And I don't think I ever would've stopped until we explored all the options, even if we had decided that surrogacy just wasn't doable for us. I think I had to explore it first just to not go through life and never wondering, like I didn't do all I could, especially because we had those right, perfect embryos that we worked hard for.

So, um, yeah, essentially what led to surrogacy was our doctor being like, I. You can, uh, could it be fine? Yeah. But could it definitely not be fine? Yeah. Like there's no way to tell, there's nothing to do differently. And then of course the other big thing was like, God forbid I was in the hospital again.

Like we have two kids at home. And the last time I was in the hospital for a month, I mean, that was hard on you. Like very hard. Yeah. Working full time, taking care of Hunter who was one and a half. I mean, I couldn't imagine doing all the things. You know, again, it's just, it was too much. So surrogacy was the best decision for us to safely,  bring another baby into this world.

And so that's how we got there. Good, good decision on our part. It was, and in a nutshell, you know, we, uh, we had to do a lot of research and we weighed pros and cons of the different avenues of doing an independent journey versus working with an agency. And ultimately, and I go into this detail more in the other episodes, but ultimately we worked with an agency.

Um, it's a big agency. They handled everything for us. The hardest part was getting creative with how to finance a surrogacy journey because. Truthfully, it ain't cheap. Truthfully, it is a big undertaking. It is very expensive. I full-heartedly believe that surrogates, of course should be paid, but it's just, it's not money that most people have just flying around.

So, yeah, it was through the agency and that's how we  got matched. It took about 11 months to get matched with our surrogate. And yeah, we formed a relationship with her from there.   I feel like the relationship worked for both of us. I mean, she's a busy mom of two.

We were busy parents of two. Her and her husband, they had their own stuff going on, and same with us. So we communicated a lot via text. We were able to, you know. Skype. Skype. Skype. What are we talking about, nerd? Skype. Skype. Whoa. Throwback. We hear. We were able to Skype. I think that was the first thing I ever did.

Video time, FaceTime. Yeah. Thank you. FaceTime. FaceTime. We were able to FaceTime in to the appointments that we couldn't be at, but we did go down to Texas three times. Two times and then obviously for the birth, right, right. I think it was hear the heartbeat Anatomy scan and then 20. Yeah. Oh no, we went three, three times before she was born.

It was like the you, because you and I went twice and then we went once with the kids like a month before she was born. That's right. It sounds about right. Yeah. So anyway, like, and to this day, you know, her and I text about once a month. We both follow each other on social media and. It's just, it's, it's a wild experience, but it was cool forming that relationship with our surrogate and her family and,  I can't wait to share it all with Lorelei one day. 

So looking back on the surrogacy process,  from your point of view, were there any unexpected challenges during that whole process that like really stood out to you?

Uh, there was no unexpected challenges other than how you're gonna finance it. Yeah. I mean, that was the hardest part was, you know, figuring out where we could. Get that type of money and how could we still support our two children, the family that we already have. Right. Right.  But once that piece of the pie was figured out, I mean, no, I, I didn't honestly know what to expect.

I mean, the, the process was pretty simple when we got with our agency. And thank God we chose the path with them that we did, where they handled all of it,  'cause it would've been. Too hard for us to manage any aspect of that journey so that was probably the Yeah, I, I think, I mean, I was trying to think, I'm like, did I, was there anything that came up for me that was like, I thought was like unexpected? Um. I don't really think so. I mean, truthfully, obviously, like you said, like we don't really know what to expect going in there.

I mean they, our agency of course laid out the process and everything. But like I think the biggest thing for me that was unexpected and was a challenge at times was just like the emotions that came up for me. Like in one hand feeling so grateful and feeling like how is this, like how did we even figure out how to do this and how is this even a thing and an option?

And I'm so grateful that it is knowing that like that was the only option. Aside from adoption and like we've mentioned this before, but like we didn't even really. Dive into that because we already had embryos. Now with the scenario is different. I don't, maybe that would've been a path we took or maybe not.

I don't know. But I think the emotions that came up were the hardest part for me during the process of like being grateful, but like not jealous. Just like worried, like missing out.  Worried about like not being the one going through this whole process or feeling like I'm not in it. Well, sure.

Because it was so  it was his perspective. Yeah. Yeah, and like working with the agency. I agree. Oh my God. I don't know how we would've done that on our own. Because you're teaching yourself everything and it's just such a big deal, like to make sure you don't mess up, you know, with like legally, or make sure you choose the right person who is like stable.

Not only  financially, but also  psychologically and, and just, there were just so many pieces that they handled and it was so, so great. Yeah. So yeah, that point of view. Wanted to navigate that on your own. I would just say do your due diligence and I mean, really do your due diligence. Yeah.

Because it is not an easy thing to navigate. Yeah, and it's a lot, it's a, there's a lot of steps and a lot of pieces that go into the puzzle, but I know a lot of people, maybe if somebody who, you know, know someone personally who is going to carry their pregnancy for them, you know, that might be a different route for independent journey.

But the scariest part for me was just  putting trust in. Somebody else and doing that on our own. Whereas when you work with an agency, especially ours, we worked with Conceivable, I'm sure you've in the show notes every week. I have a blurb  about Conceivable. Um, we're so grateful for them, I mean, they just, you already know that the people who are coming to them are already met, their standards, and then it's just a matter of like matching.

And then double checking  with our fertility doctor, who we already know and trust. Mm-hmm. So there's just so many nice checks and balances when you work with an agency. But yeah, there was no unexpected challenges in regards to like the pregnancy or  our relationship with Miranda.

It was so easy and simple and smooth and throughout the whole thing . I dunno. She was like, I'd, I'd say a partner that I imagined and more like I, she was the right amount of  there for you. But then like the right amount of like, all right, like we're doing our lives. Let's just kinda like be a little hands off.

Which made it go by so quickly. It, it was just, I, yeah, I don't think there was no huge challenges, like you said, other than. The ongoing challenge of the financial piece, which was something that we had to kind of just jump before we, what is it? Look, before we, we didn't look before we jumped, we kind of just jumped into it and hoped for the best that we would figure out the rest of the pieces.

Because remember back, we had to. Pay so much money, right? What the day we signed with the agency and then like figuring out the rest was just like, oh wait, like it's gonna be a process. And it was, I mean, from the day we signed with the agency to the day Lorelei was born was two years.

, I think in another episode you and I should do a deep dive into the financial piece of surrogacy, just to be totally transparent with listeners because. I know I've gotten so many questions in the last year or two, like, how do you do this? And other people who think it's totally unobtainable or, I mean, I know when we went into it, I didn't even think it was an option for us.

I was like, that's for celebrities,  and famous people. Like we, we can't do that. But there are ways to prepare for it  throw always, but also, and I, I can read your mind right now. Um, Laura Lies iss here, she's one, but it is an ongoing mm-hmm. Plan to finance. And it is an ongoing, um,  we've sacrificed things.

We, we, yes. And we've sacrificed things and we've made choices in our life that , have allowed us to even remotely do this.  I don't think everyone has the luxury of  you can't just go live the same life you've always lived and take on this. Big expense. Nope. But I also know, and Facebook reminds me of that when I see the same shirt I've had since 2013 and it's still in rotation in my closet.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It's a constant reminder of sacrifice. Just kidding. Just a shirt. Yeah, but that's just like in general, parents, like we don't take care of ourselves, but our kids have whole new wardrobes all the time.  

So, yeah, I think we'll definitely have to circle back and just kind of dive into how we personally,  financially dove into surrogacy. I think we can both confidently say, of course, as we hold our amazing, beautiful, wonderful, smart, adorable daughter and her first birthday. Uh, no regrets. Zero. Yes. And I think that was the biggest thing too, that was  the deciding factor is .

I don't think we'll ever regret making this decision to add to our family via surrogacy, but I'm worried that we might regret not trying, you know? Right. And especially, I mean, surrogacy was never like a given, just like IVFI mean, we hoped for the best. We had two healthy embryos to work with, but we also knew that once those embryos were, I mean, if, if for some reason it didn't work out, I mean that was, that was the end of the line for us.

 So now switching to one of the happiest moments of my life, let's talk about the first moment when we finally got to hold her. And I say finally, because of course I didn't carry her throughout the pregnancy. So it's one thing to see her on the ultrasound to talk about her, but then to be in the hospital room for the first time witnessing.

It's the birth of our child. I mean, like you didn't even witness the birth of Hunter. Everything happened so fast. Obviously witnessed, the birth of Noah, but it was just so different, you know, it was a planned scheduled C-section. I did not go into labor. It was so like on schedule and I. That was crazy, in which I prefer that.

Well, of course, me too. I'm a planner. I, I love, it was wild walking into the hospital and being like, all right, let's, uh, let's suit up. Let's do this. That was great. They pulled him out, cleaned him off, and was like, here you go, dad. And I was like. Cool. Yeah. For you, c-section was still no easy feat. Yeah, yeah.

Um, as my Well sure. Open body line there. This is male's perspective, correct? Correct. But no, this, it was, it was just insane watching the whole experience. But the moment, I mean, Lorelei was born and handed over to us 'cause. I mean, I held her first and well actually, no, she was cleaned off first, of course.

She was like given to the nurse, cleaned off and weighed and, and all that. And then she was handed to me and then you,  and then Miranda held her as well. And then we were able to take her back to our room because that whole situation was pretty incredible too. Like we each had our own room before delivery and after, so it was nice 'cause we could, mm-hmm.

Be there to support her, but then she could also be there with her family. And her family was there for her. Right. And they had their time together. We had time with her. And then we were able to enjoy those first moments privately with Lorelei, which was pretty incredible. For me, holding her for the first time, I was shaking like I was shaking, leading up to her, her being born and coming out because it just felt so like, we've come this far, I.

Dear God, like, let her be born safely and healthy. And like I just was still even in those final moments of like Miranda's pregnancy and just the whole journey, I was just still in denial that everything was going to work out.  It was overwhelming. It completely overwhelming.

Yeah, I think for me  there was two different, uh, feelings. The first one was like, to your point, like, yes, oh my God, this is great. She's here, she's healthy, she's beautiful. And then the second emotion was like, damn, right. We're done. Like that's where my head went. It was like, our little girl is here, we are done. Like, we're like this journey of having kids. It was not expecting you to say that for you. It was like a way off, off your shoulder.

Like she's safely here. Yes. And chapter. It was a tremendous wait because. Yeah, right. This part of our life is, is, is ending a new chapter's beginning. So I was like, hell yeah. See, that is so funny because from my point of view, that didn't even cross my mind. If anything, it was the opposite. I was like.

This last year was amazing. Like she got here so safely and flawlessly and everything was perfect. I was like, we have one more healthy em. We might as well, yeah, we might as well do it again. Literally the only thing on my mind, I was like, all right, I need to make a million dollars to, and we're, we're gonna exactly figure out.

How we can do this again and bring her a sister.  Because that was the, like, to go back a little bit, we decided to find out the sex of the two healthy, normal embryos, not the remaining. Which should have been six, but five. 'cause we lost one in the mosaic. They were genetic testing them.

Mm-hmm. But the mosaic, and then there was two abnormal and I didn't, we didn't wanna, I didn't wanna know all of them, knowing they weren't viable for transfer. But looking back, I wish I just would've. Asked to know like if there's a female, we would like to transfer that one. Like we don't need to know all of the embryos.

Because that's what weighed on my mind like a little bit, was knowing that there's another perfectly healthy female embryo that's frozen    that like our journey is complete. And that's still, I've chosen just to like, I just don't think about it because I, I don't believe like. Embryos are embryos, they're not babies.

They have to Right. Go through more processes to become a baby. So I, I don't think of it like that, but it is  a little harder to forget about knowing, like just, the potential is there of just knowing that like, there's a sister that's frozen on ice. Um, I don't know if that's a tip or just like my take on like anyone who's going through this, if you have embryos that you know you're not going to be using all of them, maybe consider not having all of the information to make it easier.

I don't know. Or maybe that's just for me. But my mind did not go where yours was. I was like, I. Yeah, I would do this again. That way I would do surrogacy again and only and truthfully with, well, in a perfect world. And in a perfect world. And also like with Miranda, because there's no question marks  it just went so well that 

I don't even think I could do another surrogacy journey with another person just at, with the risk of it being different or like more involved or like not a best match. Like I just thought the way it went was how it needed to go. And it was perfect. It was, uh, it was the perfect scenario for this situation.

It like, again, it couldn't have worked out better well, if she lived down the street, that could have been a little bit better, but. No. Flying back. Maybe, maybe not. Yes. Like the, logistically that wasn't ideal, but also like, I think for me, it really helped make it an easier process for me because this wasn't somebody I  could see run into at the grocery store.

Yeah. A little bit like, yeah, I guess not outta of mind, but outta sight. Yeah. Type of thing. Like obviously I'm thinking about it, but I feel a little detached 'cause I think it, maybe it would've been harder for me if I was seeing this person around town, pregnant with my baby and like, it's not me.

No, I get that.  Makes sense. Yeah. But, um, once the baby and I, I think it, this is what caught me by surprise and why I felt differently than you, is I didn't know if I'd feel this way. You know, like every mom, I feel like in that baby baby moon phase of like their first born, you're like, oh my gosh, I want like a hundred of them.

You know, like in those first three months. But then, you know. Reality kicks in and you're sleep deprived and life happens. Mm-hmm. And so like that did fade, but I was surprised that I still felt that way without all the, you know, postpartum hormones and, uh, without carrying her myself. So, but yeah, no, I definitely felt that way.

Holding a newborn. I was like, oh my gosh, she's amazing. I want more.  But we are on the same page. We're chapter closed and happy. Happy and grateful for what we have. I guess this is, this would be more for me because I dunno how you feel about this, but for those listening who might be considering surrogacy,  a question I've been asked before is  did I have any concerns about bonding with our baby since I did not carry her?

And, you know, you could be wondering how has that played out?  I actually. I really didn't have as many concerns as probably a lot of women do going into surrogacy with  the bonding factor of bonding with their baby. And a lot of that is just because of  the experience we had with Hunter. I mean, I only carried that pregnancy until 24 weeks.

I didn't even get to the third trimester and then,  didn't hold him for the first time for like nine days and then we didn't bring him home for four months. So, and I 0% feel like I missed out on any bonding time or I bond with him any less than Noah, who I carried full term.

And we brought home, you know, two, three days later.  I feel the same bond with both of them. So I wasn't super concerned about that.  But for anyone who is concerned, I now can vouch for the fact that, I was correct. And I don't, I don't think I skipped a beat. I, I truly feel like there wasn't a moment where I didn't feel like  I missed out on Lorelei, or Lorelei wasn't a part of me.

Like she's always been a dream. She's always been, I mean, she's an embryo that we created  I don't feel any less connected to her than if I think if I carried her the pregnancy myself. So for those intended moms listening, don't worry. And I promise in the whole big scheme of things, like even now, a year later, while that journey was so big and we're reflecting on it now, it is such a small, small part.

Of her life story, our family story, our whole journey actually, like it was the end of our journey, but it, it's truly not the, the hardest or the biggest part of it all. So give it time and you know, you'll never forget how your child came into the world thanks to surrogacy, but it will become a smaller part of the whole big picture for sure.

Absolutely.  How do you think our whole journey, , with IVF and becoming parents in the way that we have has shaped our experience of becoming a parent?

 Um, for example, if we were to get pregnant naturally, I would've been grateful, but I think there's just a little more love that goes into for like me, you know, you love your kids unconditionally.

I just think, uh, we just work so damn hard to get 'em here that it's,   it's just, um, I think what you're trying to say, I love them. Yeah. It's just. It's not lost on us like there are even in the hardest times. 'cause I feel the same. Yeah. It, I guess that makes sense. Even when I want a body slam. Yes. Like, like I still am like it.

It's still incredible to be like, holy shit, you were born at 24 weeks. Holy shit. You were two pounds, one ounce. Yeah, and you spent four and a half months in the hospital and you overcame so many challenges on the hospital, and you're perfect at age seven. Perfect, smart, bright, intelligent, handsome. Same thing with Noah.

Like you're on bedrest with him. He's perfect, he's bright, he's smart, he's intelligent. Sometimes too intelligent. And then, you know, with Lorelei, I mean, she's beautiful, so it's, there's no, if we had to do it all over again and it was the same path. I mean, I wouldn't have treated it. I mean, it is what it is.

I mean, you know, it's one of those things where whether they say like God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle, um, like overcome or handle Yeah. Whatever. Yeah. I mean, it's, it was a shitty path to parenthood and I hope that no one has to go through, even, I know people do go through it, but, uh, there's light at the end of the tunnel.

And like, again, once your kids are here, you forget about all the rest of that stuff. So, yeah, you forget about the hard times, but I, I agree. Like, I think it's made me the most grateful. all my parenting comes from gratitude. Like even on the hardest days, even when I don't know what to do, even when I'm burnt out, even when I wanna break, like, I'm still coming from a place of like.

Of awe, like we've witnessed so many miracles, like truly like the fact that our kid, like our kids, there's no doubt in my mind that our children were meant to be here. Like they were chosen for us. Mm-hmm. They are meant to be on this earth and they're gonna do great things in the world because they, all of them fought to be here in one way or another.

Like, each of our children have such different stories and um, you know, even when we conceive naturally with Maren,  it wasn't lost on me. Like what a miracle that was. Even though it was like quote unquote easy. If anything, I look at other people now when they get pregnant on their own or naturally, and I'm like, wow.

Like I just, there's like how, like it's just, it truly is like bringing a person. Tell me your ways, bringing a child into this world is nothing short of a miracle, no matter how you do it, but, um, I definitely think it's made us different parents and I think it's. It's definitely shaped our marriage and who we are as a team and who we are as individuals because no one who first gets married asks, you know, within three years of being married, we were grieving the loss of our first two daughters.

I mean, like no one expects that and the ripple effect. Was so grand. I mean, we had to learn to grieve together. We had to learn to support each other. We had to learn to make financial decisions right off the bat,  to support the dreams that we had. I mean, in a matter of four years, because everything at first was pretty quick with us, right?

We dated for a year and a half, got engaged, got married less than a year later, and we always had the same dreams. We had the same goals. We were like, we want a big family. Family's important to us. Like we had a vision and within a few years, everything, like the rug was ripped out from us and we had to find, oh yeah, not one, not two, but like three different ways to try and build this dream together.

And yeah, I would say we parent differently because of it. Like we are all in is an understatement. Right.

Okay. So being that it's Lorelei's birthday.  Looking forward. I mean, like, I'm already like, it's crazy. We've said this a million times. Like she's one years old. What is life? How did we get here so fast? But let's talk a little bit about how we plan to talk to her about her birth story.

And I will preface this by saying like, everyone. Chooses to do this differently. There might be parents out there who are like, you know what, I don't think it's important for my child to know that they were carried by a surrogate because they're our child. Like, you don't, you know, I, I'm not judging other, any other people, but for us, we've, I've been open with you.

Like I've always wanted her to know her birth story. No, and I agree. And there's no way we could ever keep it a secret with the boys. 'cause they'd be the first one to be like, oh no, Miranda carried you. Yeah. Like, and then Laura, I'd be like, who the hell's Miranda? Yeah. You know? And then the boys would be like, oh, well, da da da da dah.

So there's no way. Yeah. Like, like an appropriate age. I don't know. I mean, yeah, I don't know the details of it all yet, but I do know that I will share it with her age appropriately. I mean, we, we thought about this before, before she was even born. I mean, that's why it was important for us. We brought the boys to Texas with us to meet Miranda, to see her belly.

Mm-hmm. To meet her family.  'cause I knew one day  I wanted this to come full circle and especially with the podcast and just like. I mean, she's my daughter, she's gonna know my reproductive history and what we've gone through. Mm-hmm. And I hope even with our sons, that we can be of support to them.

God forbid, like they need the extra support or experience. Some of the things that we have, you know, we are a wealth of knowledge.  If anything, we try to provide hope for other couples who are going through infertility and trying to figure out different ways to build their family.

But. At the very least, I hope that we can be that light of hope for our own children, you know, if they need it. So, yeah, I mean. Talking to her about her birth story, I think will be a very natural thing when it comes time. Oh, absolutely. I, I'm not really too worried about it. I think as she grows, I have no problem, showing her pictures and just being like, this is the nice mommy who carried you and, you know.

Mm-hmm. Like anything, just with the boys, I mean, they still don't, they don't understand everything at, they don't know where babies come from or like how they know the logistics of it all, but they do know that. Right. A nice mommy brought Lorelei safely to us.  What values or traits do you hope to pass on to Lorelei as she grows up?

I know I went deep on you things to think about on our first birthday. Yeah. Right. Uh, well, first and foremost, family.  'cause in my opinion, family  is the most important thing.  You know, teacher, the value of, being responsible, honesty, caring.

Yeah, those are the best, uh, adjectives I can use for the moment. I mean, no one's perfect, right? I mean, I'm not, you're not. but you know. Trying to teach her,  the best ways to be just a good all around human being, because that's also what this world needs right now.

There's not enough love, there's not enough compassion. So teach her those traits. A thousand percent. And just to talk about our daughter's personality a little bit, I mean, obviously at one your child does have a personality and it's coming out more and more as she gets older and. I mean she truly is.

Her birthday theme that we're doing is like, kind of is like the sunshine theme, first trip around the sun. And partially for me it's because Christina Perry's song Here Comes The Sun was  my song for Lorelei before she was born. I sent it to Miranda with like the belly buds to play for her. I mean that was just anytime I heard that song I don't know why.

That was just like my song for her. And I think part of it is because, you know, Lorelei is a rainbow baby. She came after Maren. Um. And while I do like to acknowledge that term, and I like the idea of Rainbow Babies, it just didn't seem fitting because like I, yes, a rainbow, but for me she's like, those, the sunshine, like, like you kind of said, like the light at the end of the tunnel. Like we have rainbow babies, we have our rainbows, our boys that were brought to us like. The storm and we have angels and I, I don't think of it as a storm, but I guess my point is sunshine just felt so fitting for Lorelei.

And yeah, now that she's here, like that's her, like she smiles at everyone and everything. She, I mean, just, she wakes up with a smile. She goes to bed with a smile. But the funny thing too is as we've known lately, is that she's getting more vocal is like just because she can't like say all the words yet and communicate, she.

Is either  laughing and hugging or like screaming and not screaming. 'cause she's like angry or sad or scared, just like screaming 'cause she has something to say or like wants your attention and I wish we could teach it. Yeah, she's comical. Yeah. I wish we could teach a 1-year-old, like an inside voice, but. Um, we can't, but she is very funny. She is so funny, but one of the traits that I hope to pass on to her and,  this word, I always think about Hunter when I say resilient, but you and I are very resilient. We've been through a lot and we've come through a lot, and I hope that we can pass down like.

The trait of being resilient to her, because sadly, the world is, I mean, it's a scary place and life only gets harder as you get older. And I hope that we can teach her,  just to, I don't know, get back up and that we're always there for her and just like, mm-hmm. Yeah. I just don't wanna pass on the trait of resilience.

So what's one dream for Lorelei that you have for her future?

Damn Jacqueline. Sorry. Uh, I mean, I, I'm, I can say mine first 'cause it's top of mind from like the second I found out. Go. I found out we were having a daughter. Um, my dream for her. I just wonder, I just wonder that dance. I do want her to love dance. Um, time will tell, but no, um, that's an immediate dream show.

But like, my dream for her, of course, is that she one day has the family that she wants. If she, if she wants that, like if she wants to be a mom, I dream for her of, of course, would I, I hope and pray that she. Does not have the challenges that I have. Um, but if she does, I hope that, she'll have the knowledge and support and confidence to know that no matter what has brought her way, like she can still achieve her dream of being a mom if that is her dream.

Because. I worry about that, obviously. I mean, like I don't want our sons to ever have to go through that either. But it hits a little different, obviously with it's your daughter and like with so many question marks with my health. Mm-hmm. I just, I hope that that isn't the case for her. So yeah, my biggest obvious dream for her is that she has the future that she wants, whether that's motherhood or not.

Since I can't come up with a good one at the moment, I'm gonna piggyback on that, because that's a heavy question for me. I know. And I just hit you with it out the blue. Yeah. I mean, we have the same obvious dreams for our, all of our kids. That happy, healthy, knowing that they're loved, didn't just have a fulfilled life. Of course. So speaking of happy and, and being hopeful and all these things,  to kind of wrap this up, what would you say to other hopeful parents who are considering surrogacy?

I would say that, it seems like a lot and yes, once you put numbers to it is a lot, but at the end of the day, if it's something you truly want and it's something that you know you want to do, you'll find a path forward. And, and, and believe me, when that  little baby boy or girl in your arms, like I said, it's, it's all worth it. She's, she's amazing. 

I totally agree. I would tell hopeful parents who are considering surrogacy to do your research, you know, go old school, make a pros and cons list. I, I guarantee the pros will outweigh the cons because if you are even remotely considering surrogacy, meaning you've been told that  if you want a biological child, that is your only way to do that at this point.

I don't think that you will. Regret it. I mean, there's just, it's like anything but having a, I think having a child anyway, naturally, adoption, whatever, I don't really know. I'm sure they're out there. Maybe they shouldn't have had kids, but I don't know anyone who I. Would say that they regretted being their child  right?

Like all the details will fall to the wayside. It is going to feel extremely overwhelming when you start the journey and start the process. And I'm not just talking about the financial piece, I'm talking about the emotional aspect of it, the logistics. Just all the unknowns. That is the surrogacy journey and putting your trust in like so many other people for something so huge,  that will subside and it'll get easier as the journey goes on.

Like anything, you know, the second you get that positive pregnancy test, the second you see your baby on the ultrasound, the second you meet your child. I mean, it is, it is all going to fall to the wayside. It's amazing. It is amazing. It is truly amazing.

Well, Josh, thank you so much for joining me on this super special episode. Thank you, pumpkin. Yeah, I'm so glad that we will just  have this,  and um, yeah, hopefully it'll bring  hope for anyone considering surrogacy as their path to parenthood.

Or hopefully it was just like a good listen for anyone else who's just curious about what this year looked like and, our thoughts on the whole process looking back. Yeah. And if anyone ever wants  a male perspective, tell your husbands reach on out.

Yeah. Give him some perspective. Absolutely. Josh is here for an unfiltered perspective, you know, because as you've heard Oh yeah. That even in this conversation, you know, him and I we recount things differently from the last year. We have different emotions and feelings and thoughts. About it all.

So, feel free to reach out. Yeah, Josh. I am also just really glad that we have kind of frozen these memories in time in this podcast episode, and it's really wild to think that not only can everyone listen to it whenever they want, but that one day our daughter will be able to hear about her story, in more ways than one.

Absolutely. I love you. Thank you. Love you too. Thank you. Chicago. Oh God. He had to do it. He had to do it.

 Thanks so much for joining us today. I hope this was a beautiful reminder that families are built in all kinds of incredible ways. Thank you so much  Josh for joining me today on the podcast and for sharing what's on his heart and just reminiscing with me and chatting about this past year and letting us celebrate our daughter's first trip around the sun.

If you're on your own journey to parenthood, know that you're not alone and there's love and hope waiting at every turn. Use us as an example. This was not what we had imagined when we decided that we wanted to become parents and grow our family. There has been twists and turns on every, every step of this journey.

Everything from. Struggling to conceive on our own. Failed I UIs, miscarriage A multiples pregnancy IVF. Preterm delivery. Multiple, high risk pregnancies. Bed rest, hospital stays. more loss. Conceiving on our own miraculously, so many things around every turn. And surrogacy was not even remotely on my mind, when I dreamed of becoming a mom

but I am so, so grateful that there are women out there that are willing to help other people become parents, and it's just so, so special. So I encourage you to just be open about the journey, like I always say, things don't always go as planned, but that doesn't make them any less beautiful and fulfilling and amazing, and I just really encourage you to go after the life that you want. Just know that if one of the dreams you have for your life is to become a parent, there are multiple ways to do this. Families are built in all different ways thanks to things like science and reproductive endocrinology and adoption and surrogacy there are just so many options out there to become a parent. So. Don't lose hope. If you are unsure where your journey is taking you at this moment, be sure to follow the podcast, share it with a friend, and leave a review if this episode spoke to you.

I hope you all have a great weekend. We are going to be busy continuing to celebrate Lorelei plus soccer games and soccer practices and, and all the normal things. 

I'm super excited for the episodes I have coming up. So if hit that follow button if you haven't already, so the new episodes pop up in your queue. And of course, join us in the Motherhood intended community group on Facebook. Everything's linked in the show notes. Thanks for taking time out of your day to hit play on this episode. I will talk to you again next time. Bye for now.