Our Honest Experience With ABA Therapy: What’s Helping Our Son & Our Family

In this heartfelt episode, Jacqueline is joined by her husband, Josh, to talk openly about something that’s become a major part of their family’s life lately: ABA therapy. After their oldest son was diagnosed with level 1 autism and ADHD at age six, they spent months sitting with the news, learning, questioning, and honestly…trying to figure out what actually felt right for their family.

Fast forward to today, and he’s been in in-home ABA therapy for four months — about 11 hours a week — and it's been eye-opening in ways they never expected.

In this episode, they share:

✨ How they first learned about ABA and why they waited nearly a year to start
✨ What modern ABA really is (and what it’s NOT)
✨ What those early sessions looked like and why they felt so uncomfortable
✨ The real-life skills their son is learning — from self-regulation to navigating fear
✨ How ABA has helped them as parents, not just him
✨ Why some parents have negative experiences, and how to spot supportive, child-led ABA
✨ How they’ve grown in advocating for their son at home and at school
✨ What they wish they’d known earlier in this journey

Jacqueline and Josh also share real moments: the meltdowns, the breakthroughs, the fear episodes, the “aha” lessons, and even how their son now proudly says, “I used my tools today.” Hearing him learn to advocate for himself — at seven years old — has been one of the biggest gifts.

If you’re a parent exploring autism evaluations, therapy options, or if you’re just curious what ABA looks like day-to-day for a high-functioning child, we hope this conversation gives you clarity, comfort, and the reminder that you’re not alone.

✨ Resources✨

• Learn more about ABA (Autism Speaks):
 https://www.autismspeaks.org/applied-behavior-analysis

• Find a BCBA (Behavior Analyst Certification Board):
 https://www.bacb.com/services/o.php?page=100155

• The Whole-Brain Child (book):
https://drdansiegel.com/book/the-whole-brain-child/

Have questions or want to share your experience?
Email Jacqueline at hello@motherhoodintended.com
or send her a message on Instagram. She'd love to hear your story and keep this conversation going.

Thanks for listening — and if this episode helped you, please share it with another parent who might be wondering if ABA therapy is right for their family. 💛

Chapters

• 0:20 Chaos At Home And Sick Kids
• 2:09 Why ABA Therapy Is On Our Minds
• 3:40 Diagnosis Story And Insurance Hurdles
• 6:38 Starting ABA: Hours, Expectations, Reality
• 10:00 From Skepticism To Routine At Home
• 12:18 What Modern ABA Actually Does
• 16:20 Meltdowns, Fear, And Safety Plans
• 20:05 Tools That Work: Self‑Regulation Wins
• 23:28 School Supports And Self‑Advocacy
• 27:06 Social Skills, Compromise, And Sarcasm
• 31:02 Addressing ABA Controversies Thoughtfully
• 34:28 Parenting Shift: Patience Over Perfection
• 38:20 Telling Our Son About Autism
• 41:04 Advice For Parents Considering ABA
• 43:20 Listener Invitations And Resources

Transcript

SPEAKER_02: 0:20

We're gonna be talking about things like identity, infertility, IDF, surrogacy, mom life support. I'm gonna get real about what it takes to be a mom and put together with the fact that things don't always go as planned. So here we go.

SPEAKER_03: 0:35

Hey friends, welcome back to Motherhood Intended. As you know, I'm your host, Jaclyn, and today I've got my husband, Josh, joining me again on the show.

SPEAKER_00: 0:43

Hey guys, great to be back on my wife's podcast.

SPEAKER_03: 0:46

We are having quite the couple weeks here. Um sorry if I sound nasally, sorry if this episode sounds a little different. We are quite literally playing workspace roulette in our house right now. If you've listened to the podcast for a while now, you'll know that the office, which is like the recording space, uh ebbs and flows with being put together and becoming a closet. Right now we're in the closet phase, which usually happens right before the holidays because we don't know where to put things. We're changing out seasons of clothes. One's at school, one's homesick, and one kid is napping. So we are downstairs at our new desk space that is in our living room. As you can hear, I'm a little nasally getting over a cold. But yeah, this last week or two has been a doozy mess. Yeah, it started with Hunter getting sick. Um, he was down for the count for like five, six days. Now Noah's sick. In the meantime, I've had really just a head cold. Just enough to like be annoying, but you know, still be able to do what I need to do.

SPEAKER_00: 1:40

The best thing we've done thus far is keeping Lorelai from getting sick.

SPEAKER_03: 1:43

Yeah, that really has been a win, and you haven't gotten sick either.

SPEAKER_00: 1:46

No.

SPEAKER_03: 1:46

So that is good. But other than that, I don't know. What's new, Josh? What's what's going on in our life right now?

SPEAKER_00: 1:53

I would say the biggest thing going on in our lives right now is the topic of the day. What we're gonna discuss.

SPEAKER_03: 1:59

Topic of the day, yes. So when I was trying to decide what I I had to do a little switching around of our podcast schedule, and I was trying to decide what was top of mind for me and what I wanted to talk about. I had a few different ideas, but the topic of ABA therapy came up. And it's a top of mind, like Josh said, because our oldest son is in ABA therapy and it's in-home therapy, and it's about 11 hours a week. So that has become a big part of our lives. And how long has he been doing it now? Just trying to think.

SPEAKER_00: 2:29

I had to guess at least three months, maybe four. It probably has been maybe four, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 2:34

Yeah, because it started before school, right?

SPEAKER_00: 2:37

Yes, it did. It started in August. So yeah, four months.

SPEAKER_03: 2:39

Yeah, we're on the fourth month, which is wild. 11 hours a week. It's a lot of time for him, it's a lot of time for us. It's become even more so now that you know the last few months was school. We wanted to talk about that today, just for anybody who might be interested in what ABA therapy is, or for anybody else who has a child on the autism spectrum and might be interested in ABA as a resource. So yeah, today we just wanted to have an honest conversation about this therapy. We've recently started with our son, and there's a lot of mixed opinions out there about it, especially what I've noticed in the autism parent community in Facebook groups and stuff. I don't totally get why. I know what people are saying about it, but from our perspective, we just have had a totally different experience. As we all know, as parents, it's hard to make sense of what's best for your child when you're reading so many conflicting things online. So we're just gonna share our experience, what ABA really looks like day to day, what's been helpful for our family, and then just kind of how we've navigated the misconceptions around it. So, for those who don't know what ABA is, it's applied behavior analysis, which is really just understanding why behaviors happen and teaching helpful skills through positive reinforcement. Modern ABA is more play-based, it's flexible, and it's focused on communication and independence, not like robotic training. For kids on the spectrum, as you know, it is a spectrum. Our son is level one, high functioning. So he has like specific areas that he needs help with. And then the spectrum, it's it's big. There could be kids who are non-verbal and who have a lot more needs and things that they will need to work on. For us, so first we'll just kind of share how we even got here. So our son, it was about two years ago now, almost years ago, because he'll be eight in March. So when he was six, we had him evaluated based on the recommendation of his occupational therapist that he had been working with since he was like five years old. So it'd been a year in different therapies, and the therapist suggested that he was definitely struggling with ADHD. She didn't think autism, but after reading things and just knowing my own son's history and um risks, and again, there's a lot of debate about the origin of autism, hereditary circumstances, a combination of the both. Um, I just remember the first time I heard that word was when he was born at 24 weeks. They were at risk for a lot of different developmental things. So we had him evaluated, and it was then at age six that we found out that he was on the autism spectrum, high functioning, also a very high IQ, and also ADHD. And so it was that psychologist that recommended ABA therapy as I don't want to say treatment, it's not something you treat, as something to support him as he moves through school and life. But to be completely honest, I think when we first got that initial evaluation done, didn't it didn't really sink in.

SPEAKER_00: 5:33

Yeah, we sat on it for about six months.

SPEAKER_03: 5:36

Yeah, and then there is another podcast episode where we share the diagnosis and truly for like six months, we're just like, I mean, this changes nothing. I think if anything, we were very defensive, not like in denial defensive, well, maybe a little. Or just like we didn't want anything to change. We didn't want him to be labeled.

SPEAKER_00: 5:54

Yeah, I think that was the biggest thing was label.

SPEAKER_03: 5:56

Yeah, but it was at that time that AVA was the first time I heard it that it was suggested. We kind of put that aside and digested it for about six months, and then going into first grade, we made his teachers aware. We wrote up an about me page, gave it to the support staff, talked to the school just to make sure he had what he might need and make sure that's on their radar so they could support him and still basically a year, a little over a year later, we had to have it re-evaluated because insurance is super fun. And we couldn't get that kind of therapy covered by insurance unless he had an up-to-date evaluation. Backstory, it's like over a thousand dollars for this evaluation, at least in our situation with insurance and stuff. Um, so that was fun. Also, it's a very long day. I mean, it's five hours of exercises and me answering questionnaires and an interview and just like all sorts of things. But I will say the second time he was evaluated as a seven-year-old went way differently than him as a six-year-old, which actually was very eye-opening to just how he naturally will grow and mature on his own. Because when he was six, they couldn't even do all the tests because he like shut down and he was too stressed about anything that was timed. But just him being in school, I think, for almost two years, kind of lessened that stress for him.

SPEAKER_00: 7:10

Yeah, because I think he was a little more used to sitting there and having to do something since he was sitting in class for like, you know, that six, seven hours a day.

SPEAKER_03: 7:16

And I think he was just maybe even a little more confident in himself in certain areas because initially he really struggled with needing to be perfect at all times.

SPEAKER_00: 7:24

Yeah, that's definitely out the window now, especially when you see him write his name.

SPEAKER_03: 7:27

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, at age seven, we took him back, got evaluated. Same conclusion, level one, high functioning, autism, and ADHD. And this is when this therapy was presented again. And so this time we really took it seriously because he did have some struggles in the beginning of kindergarten and had some struggles that kind of went over our heads in first grade, like that we weren't aware of until it like he told us like randomly on a Tuesday, you know, like where he was like crying in class or this or that. And we we just didn't feel like he was getting the right support. So to make sure that he was, we we started ABA, we revisited, we met with the school, all the things. So yeah, that's kind of how we landed on ABA therapy. But I will have to say, like, I didn't really know anything about it, other than it was a phrase that came up on like every parent autism group I was in. It was like ABA therapy, ABA therapy, who has a good therapist? Did you know anything about it?

SPEAKER_00: 8:22

No, I've never heard of it in my life.

SPEAKER_03: 8:24

Yeah. I mean, and when I told you about it, and we knew it'd be an in-home therapy, and I know for me at first I was like, oh, that's so nice. Like that's easier because it's at home. But I was in shock when it was mentioned how many hours a week.

SPEAKER_00: 8:37

Yeah, that's what took me back. And yeah, even when they said it was in-home, I thought it would be I don't know, an hour once or twice a week, or not 11 hours, you know, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday.

SPEAKER_03: 8:51

Yeah, it's become a really big part of our life together with this therapy going on. Now this journey does look different for everybody because it was told to us, you know, with our son, he retains information really well and he's pretty good at applying things when he can. Like anyone, things take practice and it's learning skills, and skills just don't you don't just learn a skill and then you have it the next day. It takes practice and habit and switching the way your mind thinks a little bit. But because he is so high functioning and very smart, you know, it's not going to be a therapy he's in forever, essentially.

SPEAKER_00: 9:25

And the nice thing is is no, they set the schedule for six months, and it'll change on how well he takes what he's learning and applies it. Like for if he doesn't take the information and apply it, they could ramp up the hours more. But I think we're on pace to, in my opinion, probably have those hours shortened a little bit. Because he is really good at taking what he learns and applies it. He does it a lot, which is really nice.

SPEAKER_03: 9:48

Yeah, and if not like shortening hours, just like being done with the therapy sooner.

SPEAKER_01: 9:53

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 9:53

So at the beginning of therapy, how did you feel with like the first say like three weeks? Because I you were kind of in and out depending on your work travel.

SPEAKER_00: 10:03

Yeah, I hated it. And that was no secret. For me personally, it took a lot of like I found myself pacing around my own house because I felt weird to be in my own house because you know, first couple weeks to me they were a stranger and I would listen to what they would talk about and I had to see what they were doing. I remember like the first couple of times they were here, you know, I saw them playing video games, and that really broke me the wrong way. But also I didn't know the why behind the what, but I remember like being so angry, and you know, they're here in our house, and all they're doing is playing video games with my son. Like, I can do that. But you know, after that, we learned why that 20-minute pause or 15-minute pause to play a video game was important. And now, fast forward four months, it's I don't want to say that like our therapists are part of our family because they're not, but you know, we've gotten to know them, they've gotten to know us, and so now it's so when they show up, I'm like, Come right in, doors open, you know, kick off your shoes. And so there is a routine, and it's like anything else you do. Once the routine has started and you're used to it, it just kind of goes.

SPEAKER_03: 11:02

I felt the same way. I mean, not as outwardly. I was putzing around too, but I was just like keeping busy because it's like I didn't know, am I participating all the time? Do I let them be? Like I didn't want to hover and be overbearing, but I also didn't want to like just go upstairs or something.

SPEAKER_00: 11:16

Well, that's the other thing, too. I mean, this therapy isn't only for him. Right. You know, it's for us too. And I think that's what I didn't fully understand at first, too. Because in my mind, I don't need to be here while he's doing this, but you know, for us too, we're able to step into role play with him, which is really nice because not only is it helping him, but it's helping us learn why his brain thinks certain ways, why when he gets stressed out, you know, he'll go into shutdown mode or go into panic mode or cry mode. And you know, and it sucks when he does have those things because especially when he's crying, because all I want to do is console him, but they're there to help him work to a figure out what is making him get so emotional that he's crying, but also to snap him out of it, you know, to where well, not so much to snap him out of it, but to give him the tools to learn how to work through it. You know, if he's at school and something like that happens.

SPEAKER_03: 12:12

Yeah, I mean, I think that was the biggest thing is like at first we didn't understand what was going on because we were just like, what are they doing? And that like I mentioned, ABA is a play-based and it's focused on social skills and communication and independence, not being like, we're not gonna do this. Like, we're not gonna jump up and down on the couch right now because you can't sit still. We are not going to have these feelings because you should be able to walk upstairs in your own house by yourself. Like it's not a matter of right or wrong, it's helping him build the skills that he'll need in life. I mean, this is such a detrimental time, in my opinion, because he's young. It's such an important time for him to learn these skills so he can apply them and be an independent, functioning adult.

SPEAKER_00: 12:54

Confident.

SPEAKER_03: 12:56

Confident, yes. And I think one of the main reasons that drove us to this therapy too is we did kind of know going into it that our hope was that it would help us help him. We knew it wasn't going to be hands-off. It just wasn't very clear in the beginning how do we fit into these actual sessions. But that's I also think why ABA therapy sometimes gets bad rap, or at least from talking to our therapist, one of our therapists kind of just shared a little bit about that and how, and I didn't fully understand that other people had negative connotations about ABA. I just, it was recommended. I guess I found what I needed to hear, and we've had a good experience once we've gotten a group of things. But I think a lot of people have like an ick towards it just because they think it's gonna change who your child is, and it's like it's for the benefit of your child. I mean, I've seen my child stressed and scared and anxious, and I don't want him to feel that way. Like, that's not changing his personality, that's giving him skills to cope with things that are difficult for him. And I know that you and I kind of got to a point from that age six year to age seven year, in between those evaluations and moving forward of like, okay, we have the information of this diagnosis. We don't love labels, but we are starting to recognize that he needs additional help in certain areas. And it was getting to the point where it was overwhelming for us, right? We and it was also no coincidence, we also have a third child now. And so we can't always, we don't always know what to do. And it was a very high stress situation. And I know we were both starting to feel like I don't want to be getting mad at him for something that he a can't control or B, it like we don't understand.

SPEAKER_01: 14:26

Right.

SPEAKER_03: 14:26

Because a lot of times from the eye, it's like, okay, he can't put a sock on and he's having a full-blown meltdown on the ground and won't go to school. It's it used to look like oh my gosh, hunter, focus, put your sock on, like, let's do this. We gotta go to school. When in reality, he's having like a big reaction to a sensory feeling, or or it has nothing to do with the sock, and he's just feeling overwhelmed with a time crunch, or it could be all sorts of things. And now we are able to see this. Well, it doesn't actually happen as much because he's already in these few months have learned tools to kind of cope himself when he's in these certain situations.

SPEAKER_00: 15:01

And it's also provided us with tools to help him navigate when he is inside his own head and then he can't get out of whatever scenario he's concocted. And that's one thing for me personally, where you know, my patience level used to be, you know, I go zero to ninety because that's all I knew. Yeah, you know, and now, you know, just sitting in and listening or listening from afar is provided me with the tools and things that I can do to help him self-regulate. Hell to even help myself self-regulate.

SPEAKER_03: 15:30

I'm not even kidding. This is so true. Listening to some of the sessions, I was like, oh, that's a pretty good idea when I'm feeling a little anxiety.

SPEAKER_00: 15:38

You know, like one example uh she gave him that he applied yesterday was if he is feeling anxious, go run his hands under cold water or you know, go splash cold uh water on his face.

SPEAKER_03: 15:49

And I was like, Yeah, I could probably do that too. Yeah, that was a pretty cool lesson that they did because he was having a hard time. And this is the thing, when you were working with therapists 11 hours a week, they really get to know him. It was interesting because for the first month of therapy, you know, because he's high functioning and is very like good at playing whatever role he needs to play, I'll say, like in that moment. Again, if he's at school, he can do his best. He knows to be in his seat and do what he's supposed to do as it's happening. And that's what he did with therapists. But as he got more comfortable with them, you know, he's being himself. If he's tired, if he's not feeling the lesson, he's gonna act down, he's gonna say things. And he also got more comfortable with just how he was reacting to things. And so just by like default, they naturally were seeing some of the things that we've dealt with at home, where he's like shut down and had these almost like panic attacks and things like that. That lesson specifically was really interesting because it was the first time that he'd had like a big episode where he is really just like retreating. I don't even know how to like say it any other way, like runs to the other room, he hit his head from like diving on the couch, and then he backed himself into a corner and like he was having such strong emotions that he didn't know how to bring them down and he was heavy breathing and all this stuff. And I mean, even the therapist was trying different things because it's her first time like seeing him be like this. And it it's always feels shitty as a parent because you're like looking at your kid and you're like, I don't know how to help him, like I don't know what the best thing is right now. And they're looking at you like, has this happened before? Like, do you know what to do? And I'm like, it has happened before, and I don't know what to do. This is why we're here.

SPEAKER_00: 17:21

Exactly. Yeah, I was just about to say that. Like, I know I have no idea what to do. That's you know, not to say it's your job, like help me help him, you know.

SPEAKER_03: 17:28

Yeah, well, and I think this is the other thing that kind of guided us towards this AVA therapy is because this has happened at least to me previously before therapy in school, where like he'd have something going on, or even at a practice or something, and the coach or a teacher would look at me and been like, What do you normally do in this situation? Or what can I do to help him? And I'm like, uh uh, I don't know. I don't, I wish I knew. I know him, but I don't know. And it's kind of ever-changing too as he matures and grows up. Like a four-year-old tantrum from toddler or a four-year-old fear is not the same as a seven-year-old fear for him. And so we're always learning. But that being said, it's nice because now every therapy session is structured. So they've got like a board. And I already knew this, and we've done this in our own house with different kinds of visuals, whether it's a schedule for the day or like what tasks need to happen morning and night. I mean, we started that when they were like in preschool, and it's really helpful. So that's what they do. They have like a schedule and he gets to pick the order that they do it, but he has these 10 boxes that he needs to check off. And some of these boxes, like one, for example, is stopping a preferred activity. So he gets 20 minutes of video games or something, and then he gets his check on there if he stops his preferred activity when he's supposed to. So we work a lot with timers as well because transitions is a really hard thing. Very hard. And that was becoming very difficult with starting elementary school because we have to be places at certain times and starting extracurriculars, which was hard because most of the time, all the time, Hunter would be fine once he's there. He's loves to try new things, he's really good at just putting himself in a new situation. But getting there and being there and having what you need, wearing what you need, being on time, I mean it was just like a whole thing. So the way they run their therapy sessions is checking off these boxes, and it changes every time. But every session is a new lesson. And at the beginning, they gave us this big social skills book to go through. And I went through and basically pulled out like 20 different lessons that I thought looked like something that would benefit Hunter and for where he's at. And I think where we're at now is we have like one lesson left before we start to revisit important lessons, or even the therapists will be adding some that they think will be beneficial or build on skills he's already learned. But yeah, that being said, I mean, I'm curious. I know what I've noticed, but what changes have you noticed in him since starting therapy? Like even little things.

SPEAKER_00: 19:49

Yeah, even the example that I so last night I took the boys to the pediatrician. We had to get our flu shots, and you know, I went first, it's no big deal. Daddy can take it. And Hunter went, but he was very nervous at first. And it's so funny the terms that he uses because he was breathing in and out, he was taking deep breaths, put his hands under the cold water, he washed his hands.

SPEAKER_01: 20:11

Without being prompted, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 20:13

Just just him doing it, got his shot and was like, that wasn't so bad. And I was like, Yeah, I told you. But what was really cool on the way home, he was like, Dad, and he's like, Did you see how well I self-regulated myself? And first off, did he use that? Yeah, that's yeah. I'm like, seriously, I'm like, seven years old, self-regulate.

SPEAKER_03: 20:29

And I was like, Yes, we are still learning to regulate our emotions.

SPEAKER_00: 20:33

Right. And you know, and I think that's one of the best times to give him praise because he is taking what he's learned and uh and applying it in a you know, in a tough situation. You know, what kid wants to get a shot, right? Right. It that just blew my mind, you know.

SPEAKER_03: 20:47

I know the first thing he said when he came home from that, I was like, How'd it go? And he said, Well, you'll be so proud. I used my tools.

SPEAKER_01: 20:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 20:54

And I was like, You used your tools? Like, because we always talk about he's got all these tools that he can apply. I don't know if it's helpful or not yet, but one of the things I say to try and remind him sometimes is like, just use one of your tools. Because he does have days where he just says, I can't. I can't, I can't, I can't. One of our biggest struggles lately has been his fear, and it's a fear that wasn't always there, but literally like it's a fear of being alone in our house, meaning like being in a room alone. He won't go upstairs if nobody's up there with him. He sometimes won't even go into the bathroom alone to brush his teeth if no one's in there with him. And as you can imagine, family of five, getting three people out the door with their own schedules, we can't like follow him around the house to get things done.

SPEAKER_00: 21:36

It's a little crippling. But on the flip side of that coin, he can walk out our front door and go to our neighbor's house. So no problem. He can when we did our little staycation, he can get out of the pool and go walk a hundred yards away from us, no problem. But in our home, he can't go to the next room.

SPEAKER_03: 21:53

But I don't know about you, but honestly, when he's done that, that just for has reminded me that his brain is wired differently because I've had to look it up and it's actually called elopement in autism. And it's when people on the spectrum will wander or will walk off, whether that's to avoid like a sensory overload or anxiety, fear, or just like an interest, which is funny because when I look back, there's so many things in hindsight now. The more we learn, I look back and like, you know, two-year-old Hunter. I remember the first time when he was like old enough to, or maybe he was three, two or three, old enough to walk in the airport, but still young. And I was like, there's no way I need to put him in a stroller. He would be off and he would say hi to every stranger and he would be gone. Like, and I just always thought, like, you know, you know him. He's just, he's so friendly and he's so confident. And then the same thing too with like little boys. I'm like, little boys are always running off. I can't even control them. Like, no, like there was that there was never a fear in there. His brain is just wired differently. And so it's interesting because we're learning, because without learning all of this and just how his brain's wired and how it works, you know, we're like, what in the world? Are we not providing a safe home for him? Like, why is he more comfortable out and about without us than he is like in a room alone in a house where we're all in? And the only lesson we've really seen a big reaction from is the week they focused on fear. And he learned about a true emergency versus a false emergency because we had a couple times where he like didn't know where we were in the house. Or I told him to his face, like, okay, you're in here playing on your tablet. I'm going to be right on the driveway cleaning out the car. And he says, Okay. Like, we connected, he said it, and then two minutes later, he's running around the house in a panic trying to find me, and he's scared. That example, I was outside and he came running outside, not after first waking up his sister who was narrowing because he went into the room looking for me. But there's been two times now where he is scared that he doesn't know where we are, just truly based off of miscommunication or not listening. Uh, I'm not sure, just didn't register. And then he goes into panic mode and he has walked out of the house one time, literally went to our neighbor's house not knowing where we were, asking for help. And the second time I kind of caught him in the middle of it, and it was just him and I, because he was homesick from school this couple weeks ago, and I was putting Lorelai down for a nap. And I said, All right, Hunter, he didn't want to be downstairs by himself. So I said, Why don't you do your tablet in your room? I'll be in in a few minutes after I put Lorelai down. Well, where he got a little confused, I guess, is because I did have to run back downstairs to grab her blanket, and I came back up, and for whatever reason, that flipped a switch of like everything I said didn't matter. And then I heard the door open. I'm like in her room and all of a sudden I hear movement. I hear him walk down the stairs and then I hear the door. And then a minute later it like clicked me, and I was like, oh my gosh, she's probably looking for me. Yeah. And sure enough, I open the door and he's walking down the driveway. And you had been calling me. Again, I'm like trying to put Loreline out for now. You're calling me because you're seeing the ring camera go off and you're out of town. You're like, what is Hunter doing? He's just like walking up.

SPEAKER_00: 25:01

Yeah, I literally, I literally walk, see him go out the front door, like walk on the patio area and then walk down the driveway. I'm like, what the hell is he doing?

SPEAKER_03: 25:10

See, and that's what I didn't I didn't see the first part. I just saw him walking down the driveway, and I was like, oh my gosh, he's going to the neighbor's house again because he doesn't know he forgot where I was. I'm literally in the room across the hall. The door was just closed. But what he had told me later, and which must make sense after seeing the ring camera, is that he did go outside and he sat on the front porch in the rocking chair and he tried to take deep breaths and calm himself down. And he kept thinking, Do I need to go to the neighbor's house? Or like, is this okay? Like, I don't want mom to worry about where I'm at. Like, he had a whole second thought process that he's never done before. Ultimately, obviously, he did start walking down the driveway because that's when I came outside and I was like, Hunter, where are you going? And I had a talk with him about it, and he truly had no recollection of like wow. He said he looked all over the house. And the thing is, I asked my friend, Chat GPT, when I was trying to figure out how to have this conversation with him afterwards and just trying to understand it better. I was like, why does he feel safer walking out the front door by himself than staying in the home? Even if you can't find me, like you're in your home, it's your safe space, or it should be. And really, it's just a matter of how your brain works. It's kind of like a fight or flight, and he already is anxious inside when he's alone. And so for him, being outside just feels better to him and because he's not knocked in an enclosed area. Yeah, I mean, but on the flip side, this is why we have all these therapies too, is to also keep him safe, which I'm now remembering was another big driving force of us wanting him to have assistance in certain things, especially social skills, because as he gets older, we don't want him talking to strangers. And no, just he needs to know that different relationships with people are different because we have witnessed him treat a grandparent the same as he treats a male man. Yeah, that's been helpful too. But that was a big learning moment and change that I've noticed in him is that he is pausing and thinking, hold on, am I safe? And so every session they revisit these lessons too, and they're different lessons. And so the therapist had asked me, is there a certain specific lesson you want to revisit this week? Maybe something that has come up in the last week or so. So I told her about that exact scenario. And they revisited a fixed mindset versus a growth mindset, a true emergency versus a false emergency. And he was able to open up to the therapist too and us about kind of his thought process. And so I learned more about what happened. And what we did is we talked about a safe space in the house. So, like if he's upstairs because he said he feels safe in his bed, but he didn't see me. And so we've come up with a safe place where he can put a blanket around him in the family room if he is feeling anxious. And if that's not working, at the very least, he can go on our back deck, but not to just walk out the front door and be off and go finding a neighbor or anyone. Anyone. So it's a lot, and I think something with someone on the spectrum who is very high functioning, a lot of people don't understand a lot of the things that go on. Like I'll say at home, because at school, um play dates, in sports, it's not as often these things arise, at least at this age level. I'm sure as he ages and peers age, you know, there will be things that will come up more and more. But yeah, it's a lot. But it is really cool learning that he's he's learning calming techniques and he's learning how to stay focused and how to get things done and just using his tools, meaning like make a list, take deep breaths. I'm trying to think of some of the other things that oh, taking breaks, like doing a calming activity and then going back to an energetic activity.

SPEAKER_00: 28:49

Compromise.

SPEAKER_03: 28:50

Oh, another big one is learning to advocate for himself. And this one I've been really proud of him for because I forget where we were. He had to do something. I don't know if it was a dentist appointment or something. And he said, Okay, can you just give me a second? I just need to take like a few deep breaths. I just need to calm down for a second.

SPEAKER_00: 29:10

That's what he did last night before he got his shot. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 29:12

And so just learning to be open about that. And even at school, I think it was like the first few weeks of school, his teacher noticed that he was having a little bit of a hard time following the morning routine, you know, making sure his backpack is hung up, like kind of the same thing we deal with at home, but the school version of it, those first like 15 minutes of the day. So she talked with him and she made this like visual on his desk. And I think there's one or two other kids in the classroom who have something similar. And he says, Yeah, no, that should be fine. Like, I'm okay with that. You can make that for me and put it on my desk. So she does. And I guess she used just like some emojis to match the steps or something. And he told her nicely, but he said, Um, yeah, I just don't think that's gonna work for me. And she's like, Oh no, like, why not, Hunter? I thought we talked about this. And he was like, I just I don't like the pictures on it. Like, I'm not in kindergarten. You know, so he was advocating for self saying that like that embarrasses me. I don't want that on my desk. I'm okay with some help, but I don't want it to be this big production.

SPEAKER_01: 30:14

Right.

SPEAKER_03: 30:14

Um, so I'm just like really proud of him and seeing him grow in that because that's a big skill to learn at very proud of it. At seven, I mean, everyone should know to advocate for themselves. What are some lessons that surprised you that you were like, oh yeah, it seems so simple, but you're right. Like he could benefit from this. Does there any that stick out to you?

SPEAKER_00: 30:35

Um, well, I mean, just the the compromised one because he gets, you know, and has fixed a mindset or Minecraft, like he's obsessed. That's all he's gonna do. Right now he is.

SPEAKER_03: 30:45

He always has in like his current obsession, but yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 30:48

Yeah, and that's all he wants to do. And like you know, Dad, he's like, all I thought about today was Minecraft at school, and I'm like, ugh. Thought about something else, and then when he gets home, you know, the boy's gonna play Nintendo, which is fine. But if Noah doesn't say a word, Hunter will play Minecraft until the sun comes up, and so you know, they'd be talking about compromise, and we know you're excited to do this, but there's other people, not just you. And I think that was an aha moment for him to be able to say share and compromise with my younger brother that wants to do something else. So that was that was a nice lesson.

SPEAKER_03: 31:19

Yeah, and I think like that one is just one of those things too that like again seems obvious, but the more we learn about him, because from our perspective as parents, I just feel like if I was seeing them play Minecraft, I'm like, uh, well, Noah's just happy to be playing with him, so he'll just, you know, play whatever and they seem to be having fun. But again, he's learning life's social skills. So when he's at a friend's house, when he's trying to form relationships and make friends, you know, you can't just be all about you and all about yourself. And role play comes up in every new lesson, that's how they do it. And it took him a good like month to get on board with role play. And honestly, even just recently, he's participating fully himself. Cause then we kind of transition to like one of us and the therapist acting something out, and then he has to identify, say, who's compromising, who's not, like things like that. And now he is acting things out and participating, and it's just really good practice because he's gonna run on totals in these situations with his peers and other people and his world. One of the lessons that really surprised me, which made so much sense, but like I didn't think about too much because there was a bigger fish to drive, was his whole lesson on sarcasm. Because a lot of times people on the spectrum don't pick up on things like that. They don't pick up on social cues or tone of voice or body language. So he's been learning a lot about that, about postures and gestures. And every session they do this thing where they're looking at a picture, like a scene, and they have to identify kind of what might be going on in the scene based off of body language and facial expressions and things like that. But we've always kind of known that we've always said, even since he was little, oh my gosh, Hunter, you're so literal. Like he's so literal. He takes everything literally. Well, it's because he genuinely is just like not picking up picking up on that, and not just sarcasm, but like phrases too.

SPEAKER_00: 33:03

Or even like tones, right? You know, we talked to him in a stern voice, I mean that there's no he doesn't, I don't want to raise a normal kid, but you know, a kid who's not on the circle was typical kid. Yeah, typical normal. Yeah, they pick up on like, oh, that is a test, or yeah, right.

SPEAKER_03: 33:20

Well, the other thing too, I always worried about is just like interactions with kids at school. You know, they might be like, wow, that's really cool. And really they're being sarcastic and they don't mean it. And I think that was my thinking too, is like just as he gets older. I mean, luckily, you know, kindergarten first grade, second grade seems to be going okay, but like overall, everyone's they're young, they're either it's going over his head at this point, or um, I mean, he does have a lot of friends. He's just so nice, so kind. I mean, even this teacher said he's a joy to be have in class, and everyone, he's always talking with everybody. But yeah, there's just a lot that you don't think about, a lot to learn, and it's a lot for him. But and I think that's probably why some people kind of might view this as I don't know, what did I hear somebody or what did I read somebody say on a Facebook group? Just well, that's cruel. Like ABA therapy is cool and it's so demanding and all this stuff. And maybe that is some one person's perception if maybe their child isn't as high functioning.

SPEAKER_00: 34:15

Or maybe truly just got a shitty therapist.

SPEAKER_03: 34:17

And maybe that too. We've had a really great experience with our team, but also from what our therapists have shared, there are so many parents who kind of just hand their kids over and are like, Can you fix them? And we never came into it like that. We were like, we need the tools to handle this better because we don't want yelling in our house. We don't want him to feel any kind of way other than confident and supported, and it's taking a toll on the whole family. And that's the other nice thing is that it is a family therapy because they'll bring in Noah. Noah will get to play games with them too. He's always listening. He just busted out like something about compromise and how they could compromise the other day. And it's just really helpful. But yeah, the controversy around it, like if you search ABA therapy online, you will find parents saying that it's life-changing and then others saying that it's harmful. But I do want to emphasize that like ABA today, from what I read, is not like the old compliance-based model. We're always involved in the sessions, like we said, and we're always making sure it's child-led, kind, and effective. Our therapist celebrates progress and like never punishes behavior and adjusts constantly to meet his needs. The week that he worked on the fear lesson, which was a really hard one, they spread it out over three or four sessions, and then they did not revisit it because truly that week was the only time that he had tears like every day in the session. And it wasn't because he was afraid, it was because he was being pushed to do something that's really, really hard. Yes. And so they pivoted, they switched the schedule, they said, we're gonna table this, we're not gonna do this again. They cut it short and we're gonna build on his other skills to give him the confidence and work our way back to it. And I think we're getting there now to revisit. But I just really appreciate that they are always like positive behavior, supporting him, building him up and adjusting when needed. We kind of touched on this, but would you say that we've learned to better advocate for him because of this therapy?

SPEAKER_00: 36:11

100%.

SPEAKER_03: 36:12

I've noticed it in you. I hope you've noticed it in me, but like even my mom said, I haven't even told you this yet. But the other day we were, I was hot in Halloween. We were with family, and my mom had gotten all the grandkids like matching pajamas to put on, and we were trying to surprise my dad, and you were helping them downstairs. And my mom said to me later, like, I'm so proud of Josh. He was telling Hunter to take deep breaths, and he was just being kind and patient and like just supporting him.

SPEAKER_00: 36:38

Thanks, mom.

SPEAKER_03: 36:39

Shout out to them. I mean, that didn't surprise me because I've noticed a change in you. We are both trying to apply what we learned, and it's definitely given me a different lens to look through. You know, I'm not quick to anger, I'm not quick to get frustrated. It doesn't make it any easier because it is hard, but at least we now have a better outlook and we have our own tool also have our own tool.

SPEAKER_01: 37:01

Correct.

SPEAKER_03: 37:02

Yeah, for sure. That being said, what do you think has helped us the most as parents, not just him? I mean, because we do have our own tools, like you mentioned. He has learned so much. What do you think has helped us the most so far?

SPEAKER_00: 37:15

I mean, personally, I mean, it's just watching him interact with the therapist and then just listening because again, there's lots of things I didn't understand. And, you know, maybe I have my own fixed mindset when the beginning of ABA therapy. But I think what's helped me personally is just to again take my time with them, you know, not be so quickly upset over some task and take the time and if he needs a minute, be there for him and not put my feelings before his because you know what, as a parent, it's not about us anymore, right? It's just being there for them and then give them every tool and feel support and feel love, everything he needs to do to be a successful human.

SPEAKER_03: 37:52

I completely agree, and I think it's definitely helped me be more patient. And I think for both of us, I've noticed we we don't say this anymore, like, why would you do that? Or why is this hard for you? We'd never say why. We'd be like, How did that make you feel? Like we're we're more so coming at it feelings-based as to like logistically, because logistically it doesn't make sense to us, and it's not fair, he can't explain it like he is who he is, and he's learning who he is too. And I guess it should be mentioned because we didn't like at the beginning of this episode, we talked about how he was first diagnosed at age six. We didn't say anything to him until seven, seven, like right before second grade. I think it was. It was recently he had a broken arm and we were talking about something, and I don't know how it came up. I forget how the conversation started, but basically I was like, Yeah, have you heard the word autism before? He goes, Yeah, no, I've heard it. He's like, I don't know what it means. Because at one point the therapist asked me, does he know that he's on the spectrum? Does he know these words? Should I say them out loud or should I not? Do you need help having this conversation? And for the longest time, we just weren't sure what to do. And I think it was just our own fears about, like we mentioned, like I didn't want to label him or make him feel less than. But what we forgot is that he's hunter and he like didn't take it that way at all. Not only was it not that big of a deal when I told him, but honestly, this was his reaction. First, he goes, Well, are you autistic? And I said, Well, no, to my knowledge. I said, Mommy and daddy didn't really know about this when we were younger, so no. And he goes, Is Noah? And I was like, Not that we know. And he goes, Well, I hope he's not, because I want to be special.

SPEAKER_01: 39:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 39:28

And then, of course, we did talk about ADHD too. And I was like, and daddy has ADHD, you have an uncle with ADHD. It's just how your brain works. And we've read other books that didn't necessarily say it, but like, my brain is faster than my body, or my brain is my superpower, or everyone's brain's wired differently. Like, we have talked about neurodivergence in general. We just never said, like, your brain is neurodivergent, but he's very smart, he loves it. I don't think he's at a point or has the need to be like, because I kind of thought this was my other fear at first was that he would be like everyone. Yeah, that he'd be like, hi, I'm Hunter, I'm on the autalon channel.

SPEAKER_00: 40:04

Yeah, I don't think it doesn't faze him whatsoever.

SPEAKER_03: 40:06

He does not like label himself. It's if anything, it was just like a cool tidbit he learned, like, oh, my brain works like that. That's cool. Yeah. Which also brings up because you know, he's never really dove in and asked, like, why am I in therapy? And Noah's not. Or why am I doing this? Like, he really just does it. And part of it might be too, is like, again, our little 24 weaker has always been in some sort of therapy. Always. Like, it's not that out of the it's not like it came out of nowhere. He's always been in something for something. So that could be why too. All this to say, if you're a parent considering ABA or honestly any therapy really, our biggest advice, I would say to you is just trust your gut. Don't get sucked into all the different things you read online, do your own research, find what's best for you, find a therapist who values your input, respects your child's comfort, and focuses on progress, not perfection. What would you say to another dad or parent starting this journey? Like at the very beginning, starting it.

SPEAKER_00: 41:09

I would say don't be afraid of what you don't know. And also, I mean, everything that you're doing, you're doing it for your child or children to give them their best life experience. And especially starting it so young, he is gonna have an opportunity to feel better in his own skin. And the earlier you start it, you know, the more that it's gonna take an effect and it's gonna stick and it's gonna be applied.

SPEAKER_03: 41:33

That's really great advice. Yeah. And know that when you're going into an AVA therapy, it's okay to be nervous about it. Finding the right therapist is going to make a world of a difference. So don't settle if it doesn't feel like it's working for you. But really just go into it with the mindset that this is for your family. You're doing this together. It's not something you're doing just to your child or for your child. It's for your child and for you. It's for everyone to learn from each other. I like to think of it as like we're getting to know each other better and we're just helping our household run more peacefully and making sure everyone's at peace because it was getting really hard to watch not just our son, but even ourselves struggle with everyday tasks. And it's all just because of a lack of knowledge. The more we learn about how all of our brains work, and the more we learn about how to help him and things he might struggle with, it's helping us too with skills that we might not even taught as children. So just keep that in mind. And of course, as always, I preach this on the podcast always, but you're not alone in this. Every child's path is unique and there's no one size fits all approach. So what matters most is that your child feels loved and supported. Thanks, listeners, for tuning in. I encourage you to send me a message or share your own experience. If you've done ABA or if you have a child on the spectrum and have any questions or can share your insights, I would love to pass them along onto this podcast so other people can kind of get some more insight into this therapy. The spectrum is very big and everyone's experience is different. So please feel free to send me an email at hello at motherhoodintended.com or send me a message on Instagram. I would love to hear from you. And if you found this conversation helpful, share it with another parent who might be wondering if ABA is right for their family. Thanks again for listening. I'm going to put some links in the show notes to resources that might point you in the right direction if you're considering this as an option for your family. Josh, thanks for joining me on the podcast again.

SPEAKER_00: 43:38

Thanks, Dave.

SPEAKER_03: 43:39

I always love chatting with you.