Why This Season Looked Different — and Why This Episode Still Matters

This week on Motherhood Intended, Jacqueline opens the episode with a heartfelt, honest reflection on the season — a season filled with growth, new challenges, motherhood in full force, and the behind-the-scenes work of building Your Fertility Village.

In this extended intro, Jacqueline shares what has made this season look different:
 • balancing toddlerhood, therapies, travel, and packed schedules
 • learning new systems and outsourcing for the first time
 • navigating the emotional load of motherhood and marriage
 • pouring time and heart into building Your Fertility Village
 • why solo episodes became more common this season
 • and what “the power in the pause” has taught her

As the show approaches its season break, Jacqueline also gives an update on the official launch of Your Fertility Village in the new year — and how listeners can join right now as founding members for just $7/month (locked in for life!).

After the intro, we revisit one of the most downloaded episodes in Motherhood Intended history:
 “Boy Moms Talk Gender ‘Disappointment’” — a refreshingly honest conversation about navigating complex emotions around family building, motherhood expectations, and the feelings few parents say out loud.

Whether you’re a longtime listener or hearing this episode for the first time, this conversation continues to resonate for a reason.

Resources Mentioned

• Join Your Fertility Village as a founding member → https://your-fertility-village.mn.co/landing
• Follow Motherhood Intended on Instagram → @motherhood_intended

Chapters

• 0:00 A Season Of Stretch And Shift
• 5:20 Why Re-Air The Most Downloaded Episode
• 9:35 Life Load: Business, Motherhood, And Capacity
• 14:50 The Pull Of Solo Episodes
• 18:49 Introducing Gender Disappointment Revisit
• 22:40 Meet Corey: Two Boys, Busy Life
• 28:20 Expectations Versus Reality In Family Planning
• 36:55 The Second Boy And The First Shock
• 43:20 Social Narratives That Fuel The Pain
• 49:20 When Disappointment Returns Postpartum

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

Are you tired of scrolling your feed only to see the highlight reel version of motherhood? If so, then you're in the right place. Welcome to the Motherhood Intended Podcast. I'm your host, Jacqueline Baird, and I'm a passionate mom here to support women like you in their unique journeys to and through motherhood. I have been through it all. We're gonna be talking about things like trying to conceive, infertility, IVF, surrogacy, mom life, and more. It's time to get real about what it takes to be a mom and come together in the fact that things don't always go as planned. So here we go. Hey friend, it's Jacqueline. Welcome back to Motherhood Intended. Today's episode is going to be a little bit different, but in the best way. Before we jump into the re-air of one of my most downloaded episodes ever, and yes, we'll talk about why we're revisiting it. I wanted to spend some intentional time with you. Think of this as a little fireside chat, a warm catch-up and an honest look behind the scenes of what this season has really looked like. Because it has been a season, not a bad one, not a perfect one, but a full one. And one that has stretched me, challenged me, and taught me a ton about motherhood, work, identity, and capacity. So today I want to take you into that. And then I'm gonna tee up the episode that, against all odds, continues to pull in listeners three seasons later. If you've been listening consistently, you know the season has been very solo episode heavy, which usually isn't the norm. Usually I am welcoming on guests and having a bunch of interviews and sprinkling in a solo episode here or there. None of this was exactly the plan. And yes, I have a full inbox full of amazing people who would love to be on the podcast, and I have a list of amazing people I would love to reach out to to bring onto the show, but this is just where life's tiered me in this season. And honestly, I'm learning to trust the seasons I'm in. These last few months have been a combination of learning new programs, new workflows, and new platforms, outsourcing for the first time in ways that stretch me as a business owner, pouring a ton of time and heart into building your fertility village, navigating toddlerhood and new therapies for my family, running a household with a husband who travels a lot for work, managing packed calendars, school schedules, appointments, activities, keeping up with the daily life in a home that always seems one step away from chaos in a lovable, messy, you know, full house kind of way. And when I say I've been learning new skills, I mean my brain feels like it has 47 tabs open at all times. For anyone who owns a business, creates content, runs a household, or is simply trying to do it all, you get it. You know that feeling of trying to build something meaningful while also keeping tidy humans alive. Or maybe while also trying to become pregnant. Staying connected with your partner as well, managing the emotional load of family life, and not losing yourself in the mix. This season, I've been in the thick of that. The learning new tools part is real, the outsourcing part is new, the trying to find the margin part is ongoing. I've been juggling the podcast, my kids, my marriage, and your fertility village. This community, I'm building from scratch, and while I love it all deeply, I'm human. And I won't lie, some weeks I felt stretched pretty thin. Some weeks I felt guilty, some weeks I questioned if I'm doing enough. And that's why the season has felt different. Not wrong, not bad, but just different. Let me get real for a moment. We went through new therapies, we had more travel in our schedule, we had more to manage in our home. And toddlerville is no joke. Truly, there's something about a toddler who wants independence, but also wants to be held too much that can send your nervous system into a loop. I mean, she's in that creative, curious, busy, busy stage, which is so fun, but also means I'm constantly multitasking in the noisiest, neediest environment possible. On top of that, I've been navigating the emotional load of wanting to be present for my marriage while also building a community that I hope will serve thousands of women one day. There's been joy, there's been overwhelm, there's been growth, and there's been a whole lot of figuring it out as I go. This season, the interviews I wanted to schedule just weren't working out in my personal schedule. Guests have had to reschedule, my windows to record were inconsistent, and many times I only had 30 minutes between preschool pickup and nap time to sit down and talk to you. And honestly, it's been a gift. Solo episodes have reminded me of why I started the podcast in the first place. I mean, my first few episodes, which are some of my most powerful episodes, sharing my own story, is the driving force behind this podcast. And they have been my best episodes to date. But solo episodes have forced me to slow down, tune in, and speak directly to the women who need this show the most. But that also means the season may not have performed the way previous ones have. And I want to name that without shame because less downloads does not mean less impact. And sometimes less listens simply mean you're human and you're growing. And the truth, I'm proud of this season. Even if it's smaller, even if it's quieter, even if it's different, even if it's not perfect. All right, now let's talk about today's episode. It feels almost wild to say this, but the episode titled Boy Mom's Talk Gender Disappointment has been one of my most consistently downloaded episodes since it first aired three seasons ago. Every single week, without fail, people are finding it and listening. I've tried to figure out why. It might be the topic, something so real and so layered, but rarely talked about, honestly. It might be the title, people may assume it relates to gender identity or transgender conversations, which are highly searched topics. Or it might simply be that the episode is authentic in a way motherhood conversations often aren't. Honestly, I'm really glad that I went back and listened to this episode instead of just watching the downloads come in every week because I was reminded that this episode really is the epitome of what this podcast was meant to be. Sitting down with other moms, having conversations that aren't talked about enough in a safe space where you aren't judged and you can open up and connect with other women who truly get it. So in this episode, I sit down with just a regular mom who shared something that many parents feel but don't say out loud. That's feelings around gender disappointment. It's sensitive, it's nuanced, it's deeply personal. And for women navigating infertility, IBFs, pregnancy after loss, or motherhood in general, these feelings can be extra complicated. The pressure to just be grateful often shuts down these honest conversations. But the truth is that you're allowed to feel it all. The joy, the fear, the grief, the confusion, the guilt, and the love. I think this episode resonates because it gives permission, permission to be human, the permission to feel the full range of emotions that come with building a family, permission to be honest about something most people judge. And with only a few episodes left before the season break, it really felt like the right time to bring this episode back. Speaking of the break, yes, we are nearing the end of the season. I have just a couple more episodes coming before I take a few weeks to reset, breathe, and prepare for a big launch that's been brewing behind the scenes. Your fertility village. My heart project, it's officially launching in the new year. Right now we're still in the founding members phase. And if you've been thinking about joining, this is the absolute best time to do it because founding members get in for only$7 a month and it's locked in for life. Like actual life. You will never pay more than$7 a month. The price will go up though when we launch in the new year, but founding member pricing never changes. In the village, you'll get monthly group calls, workshops, a private community, resources, support from me, and a space where women navigating infertility, loss, and all the complexities of family building can feel you can feel less alone. I've put so much of myself into this, so much of what I wish I had during my own journey, and I cannot wait to welcome more of you inside. If you want to join now with that$7 a month pricing, plus you get a founding member badge, the link is in the show notes. So yes, all that to say, the season has looked different. It's been messy and busy and beautiful and full. It's been a season of learning new skills, outsourcing, growing something new, and trying to juggle motherhood, marriage, and work without losing myself. It's been a reminder that we don't have to be everything to everyone. And that's okay. It's okay to pivot, adjust, slow down, and hit reset when life changes. And it's also been a season of listening to you, to the episodes you revisit, to the topics that resonate most. I say this all the time, but there is so much power in the pause. Even when I know that, I still find myself feeling behind or feeling like I'm trying to catch up to some expectation that I've set for myself. But honestly, when the moment just naturally happens where targeting is happening anyway, whether I like it or not, slowing down is happening a lot of circumstance or whatever it is. It has always taught me that it is the best thing to do when light sometimes you just need to pivot and slow down and hit the reset button. So all of this brings me back to this episode today. If you're new here, this conversation you're going to hear might surprise you in the best way. If you've heard it before, I hope it lands differently this time. Maybe with new insight or compassion. And if you're somewhere in the middle of your own journey, this is a safe place to be. All right, friends, grab a cozy drink, settle in, and let's revisit the episode that continues to strike a chord with listeners season after season. Here it is. Boy mom's talk, gender disappointment. Let's dive in. Hi, Corey. Welcome to the Motherhood Intended podcast. I'm super excited to have you on the show today. We're going to be talking about a topic that I find really interesting, mostly because it's not something that a lot of people talk about. We're going to be sharing our experiences with gender disappointment. So before we dive into your experience with that and mine, tell me a little bit about yourself. How many kids do you have? How long have you been married? Share a little bit about yourself.

SPEAKER_01: 10:40

My name is Corey Leary, and I have two kids. They're both boys. Um, Chase, who is going to be four years old in a couple days. And then I also have Emmet, who is two. My husband and I have been married for about eight and a half years now. Can't believe it's been that long. But we both work full time and, you know, just spend a lot of our free time just trying to create as many experiences with our boys as possible. We like to do a lot of stuff. We stay very busy, but it's fun. It's really fun.

SPEAKER_00: 11:13

Yeah, that's so awesome. And foreign too. Are your boys close together? Do they get along for the most part?

SPEAKER_01: 11:19

For the most part, I think they're getting a little bit to the age where, you know, my oldest was used to having free reign of all of the toys, you know, the hot wheels and all those sorts of things. Um, and now his younger brother is trying to come in and and play along, and he just wants to play. But yeah, you know, there's a little bit of jealousy there, but for the most part, they're really good boys and they really they they play very well.

SPEAKER_00: 11:45

Yeah, that's awesome. My boys are about the same, um, except just a couple of years ahead. So my youngest is four, and then my older one will be six in March. And I feel like it goes in waves, right? Yeah, like when they're like when they were little, yeah, it was just a lot of my youngest one kind of following them around, just really joining in, and the older one trying to learn how to share and do all the things. But then like at this point, they're they're like best friends. The amount of time they spend together, I mean, sure, like any sibling, they get in their ways and they, you know, get sick of each other and all those things. But overall, it's pretty cool to watch them be so close and play together at this point. And now that they're kidding they can do the same, a lot of the same things at this point.

SPEAKER_01: 12:21

That is yes, that is true. And it's you know, when they give each other a hug, it's just the best thing in the world.

SPEAKER_00: 12:25

So oh my goodness, yes. Yes, that's awesome. So you've been married, you said eight and a half years. Yes. So did you guys have a plan where you wanted to wait a little bit to have children, or did you try to start your family? And what did that look like for you?

SPEAKER_01: 12:42

Yeah, so we did wait a little bit. We waited about four years, I'd say, to have children. You know, there were a few trips that we had wanted to do before we had kids. Um, you know, I grew up and my and my mother didn't have well, I have one brother. So it was me and my brother. Um, and my mother had me when she was 30. And I kind of had the same, you know, mindset like I don't have to, we don't have to start right away. Let's just enjoy being married for a few years. And so we did, and it was great, and I have no regrets about that. Yeah. Um, because we knew we wanted to have kids, we just weren't in that big of a rush. So yeah, a lot, yeah. Yeah, exactly. And so when we decided to have our first child, which would was Chase, you know, I went off birth control and we were pregnant within three months. So it was fairly easy. Everything went very smoothly and it was great.

SPEAKER_00: 13:46

That's all you can ask for. That's amazing. Yeah. So prior to starting your family, you said you grew up with one brother. Did you have a dream or kind of like a fantasy of what your family might look like, whether it's how many kids you had or girls and boys? I know we all like to play this little game. I you know, ever since I was little, I was like, okay, when I'm gonna get married, I'm gonna have this amount of kids, I'm gonna have two girls and two boys, and it's just gonna be like as if you can pick these things. Um, what was your initial vision for your family?

SPEAKER_01: 14:14

Yeah. So when I was growing up, you know, I I wasn't, you know, dreaming about having kids as much as some others were. I was more in the career planning mindset my whole life, you know. I was the oldest child, straight A student, you know, all of that. But I did as I started to, you know, date my husband and was thinking, oh, this this might go somewhere. My picture of what the family would look like would be two kids and a boy and a girl. And that was just what I've always known. That's what most of the people that I grew up with, to be honest with you. You know, I knew a lot of uh my friends, they had a brother or a sister, and that was kind of my vision of the the perfect family, so to speak, based off what was around me. So I had always imagined having a boy first, so an older boy, and then you know the little sister that the boy can protect, and you know, all that stuff. You know, you hear that narrative quite a bit, and that's kind of what I envisioned as well.

SPEAKER_00: 15:23

Yeah. It's interesting because I was thinking the same both. So I'm one of four, I have one sister and two brothers. And so, yeah, growing up, same thing. Once I found my husband and we were both on the same page, we wanted a big family and everything. And I'm like, I want, I want four kids. I was one of four, like he was one of three. I'm I'm like, that sounds amazing. And two boys, two girls. So it's even they each have someone to play with was kind of my vision. And yeah, for whatever reason, though, I again I'm the oldest as well, and I wanted a a boy first because I want an older boy to take care of his little sister, and maybe that's just like coming from the oldest sister in me, like, oh man, I wish I would have had that kind of thing. But yeah, of course, that's just not how life works. It's interesting to dream and have these things and of what you're used to, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's gonna work out that way. When you were pregnant, whether the first time or both times, did you guys decide to find out the sex of the baby ahead of time?

SPEAKER_01: 16:17

We did. So with Chase, my oldest, we had the whole thing, like the gender reveal, and we did cake pop says our gender reveal, which I will suggest nobody ever do because it was a long, arduous process. I ended up crying. My husband was like, just go away, I'll finish it. It was because you made the show found now prior to doing the gender reveal. We did the gender reveal for our cool. Um, and yeah, I was like, the second that I could know, I was I was on top of it. I was like, I need to know, I need to plan. You know, I'm that typical type A personality. I'm like, I need to get everything, you know, matchy matchy for the nursery and like and all that, all that kind of stuff. So yeah, I was actually really excited when I found out that Chase was a boy. That's what I had envisioned. The older boy. And then, you know, a few years down the road, we'd have the little girl, and then we would be the perfect family. So yeah, we were really excited about Chase. We had his name picked out for years, and our family seemed very excited as well. So it was all it was great.

SPEAKER_00: 17:22

That's so exciting. And it's kind of what everyone seems to be doing these days. I mean, I know there are people who I'm just like, yo, type A. I need to know, I need to plan. I like to like visually try to imagine what my life is about to look like. And I don't know, finding out the baby sex kind of always helped with that for me. And I was excited too to have a boy first. Like you said, that's kind of what I envisioned. And I was like, perfect, this is great. This is so exciting. And it's funny you said cake pops because that's why I was like, oh, you made them yourself. Because we did cake pops for my second son, and I ordered them though, and I was like, ooh, what was your experience? Like, why was it so bad? But I I don't think I'm not a baker, there's no way I could have like attempted to make them at all.

SPEAKER_01: 18:00

It was just like the chocolate was just all over the place, and we chose to do white as the the outside. And so, like any little space that you didn't have covered, you could see the blue right through it. And it was just it was a process. So a note for for everybody out there. Just get just get somebody to do them for you. Because it was, you know, an adventure.

SPEAKER_00: 18:23

Yeah. Oh my gosh, that's too funny. Okay, so the second time around, did you guys find out again ahead of time? Yes, we did. Yeah. So after obviously, you just said that you had envisioned a boy and a girl, what were you feeling when you found out that you were having another boy?

SPEAKER_01: 18:41

So when I found out, you know, I was actually at work at the time. I got the call and they asked, you know, do you want to, do you want to know? And of course they had already told me that, you know, everything came back fine and and appearingly was healthy. And I was like, uh, should I wait for my husband or should I not wait? And of course I didn't. So I had them tell me and they said, Oh, you're you're having a little boy. And for me, I was just almost a little bit in shock. I wasn't necessarily disappointed at that time. I was just kind of like, oh, like this is not what I thought it was going to be. You know, I thought we'd have a boy and a girl. And I was at that time there definitely set on we are definitely having only two. You know, this is what I've always been told is the right thing to do. You know, if you have more than two, it's not fair to the kids, which yeah, you know, is a whole other topic we could discuss. But oh yeah, there's all these narratives that we've been taught in the way for sure. Exactly. But I was just really shocked and kind of like hung up the phone, went for a walk outside, was kind of like, okay, well, I just kind of have to be okay with this. And you know, so it's kind of strange. I was kind of ruminating on it for a while before I told my husband. And then when I told him, you know, I started. Crying and I was like, oh my gosh, it's like, you know, I love my little boy, but I you know, I I wanted a girl, you know, and I and I could kind of tell that he did too. I kind of got the sense from him that he kind of wanted a little girl as well. And um, he's one of four boys, so you know, I think that's why it wasn't totally unexpected for me, but it was still like darn, you know? Yeah. So throughout that time, I I wasn't even really excited to tell anybody because in my mind, you know, everybody wanted a girl. That's all you hear is when you say that you already have a boy, you know, I hope it's a girl.

SPEAKER_00: 20:42

I hope it's girl. And people love to say that. And even if you've already have two, if you have two boys, then they'll be like, Are you gonna try for a girl? Are you gonna try for a girl? Fully disregarding like number of kids, all the other decisions that go into having a child. Um, just yeah, thinking about girl or boy.

SPEAKER_01: 21:00

The fact that you can't guarantee it either way, even if you want to try for another one, you know, yeah, there's no guarantee you're gonna have one. Totally. And so I was just not very excited to tell people. One I did tell people, you know, I kind of got the sense that they weren't as excited. I didn't really know if that was just because it's the second child versus another boy or both. Yeah. But, you know, it just didn't seem as exciting as the first time. And I kind of went through the pregnancy and and over time I was all right with it. You know, I was just like, all right, like two boys, like I already got this boy mom thing down. So why not just do it again? You know, and as I said, I love my boy and I love my boys, both of them. Right. And it's fun being a boy mom. I try to kind of tell myself those things as I went through. So I'd say that I was disappointed at that time, but not as disappointed as later on.

SPEAKER_00: 21:57

And I could kind of explain that a little bit more. I would love to hear more. I think everyone's heard like the term gender disappointment. I've even heard it before, and I knew that I've felt it. But then when I hear the word disappointment, I'm like, I think that was like, yeah, like maybe my initial feeling, but there's so much more to it than that. And there's so much more that goes into like why these feelings come up. And you kind of touched on some of them, you know, with gender disappointment, reasons that this could play into it, things like family pressures, you know, people saying, like, oh, I hope you get a girl, or or just kind of what you've pictured with other families that you know in your life. For some people, it's like the fear of the unknown. Some people might not want the opposite sex because they are like, I don't know, I know what I'm doing. I finally got this down path. I would love another of the same sex. I know for me, you know, prior traumatic experiences. When I also found out we were having a boy the first time, you know, our miscarriages were girls. And for me, having a boy and getting further in my pregnancy and bringing a boy home was like, okay, this feels different. This feels positive. It's not tied to like an the negative experience that I had. And then for me with our second, I was ecstatic to have I didn't really care either way at that point because again, I had this idea in my mind that I was gonna have four kids and it just there was time. It didn't matter. I thought I had figured out my fertility issues and all of that. And um, so having a second boy, I was like, oh my gosh, they're close in age, it'll be so fun. They'll be close brothers, and there's time, there's time to have more. But that's just not how it all works. No one knows the future and or how many kids you're capable of having, even if you say you want four. So it's it's really interesting. Gender disappointment starts off as like this feeling, just like a feeling of kind of like sadness when you've got this strong desire to have a child of a certain sex, but it it morphs into different things as parenting goes on, I think.

SPEAKER_01: 23:46

Yeah. And when I was pregnant with my second boy, then I knew about it for the majority of the pregnancy. And I would go on to online forums and things like that, you know, these these places that were supposed to be for boy moms and all of this stuff. And I was like, well, maybe that'll help. And really, I found that it almost made it worse because when I'd go on to these things, there would be people that would post, oh guys, I finally got my girl, like baby number three, I finally got my girl, you know. Yeah. And it just like, or people that were like, Oh, I just found out I'm having my fourth boy, like this is the worst thing ever. Like, I haven't stopped crying for days. And yeah, you know, it really just it almost pushed that pressure and that disappointment further, because it's like, oh, well, boys are not as good as girls, clearly. I mean, everybody seems to think it. So like it almost it almost made it worse because of that is just going on and seeing that really it's just everybody has everybody seemingly has this idea that boys are not as desired as girls when it comes to babies. And you rarely see anybody go on and say, Well, you know, I'm having my second girl, I'm so upset about it. You don't see that as much. So I'm sure it can happen.

SPEAKER_00: 25:10

But I totally agree. It's it's very it's really interesting. That's true. I didn't have any personal experience going into like certain forums like that, but just like even now, being into different mom groups and things like that, yeah, there's definitely this like narrative around the boy thing. And it it's actually started bothering me recently. And you know, the boys are a little bit older at four and six. People love to say, like, oh, they're all boy when they're like misbehaving or something. And I'm like, no, I know what they're capable of and what they're doing, and it's not because they're boys, it's because they're like genuinely like not listening right now. Or on the flip side, like they'll be like, Oh, good luck. Like, boys are this and boys are that. And I'm like, Well, you know, each of my boys also have two different personalities and they're very unique, and it's just a different experience, even within the two of them. So I just yeah, it's hard when everyone categorizes girls in one section, boys in another. And I think that's part of kind of like the idea of gender disappointment is it's not like disappointment in the baby that you have, it's disappointment based on like all the stereotypes we know of each gender. And of course, when we're talking about gender, we're talking about, you know, like biological sex, whether you have or having a boy or having a girl, and everything we perceive belong in those categories, right? What we think that parenting a boy or a girl looks like. And obviously there's differences, but the dramatics on the boy's side of things is just it's hard. And I can see how, especially when you're, you know, navigating this kind of like disappointment at first, it's it's kind of just gonna heighten everything.

SPEAKER_01: 26:38

Yeah. And once my second son, you know, came, obviously, I like I love them to I love them to death. You know, I would never trade either of them for a girl at this point. I was like that from the time that he was born, you know, I was like, this is gonna be great. I could see that brotherly bond already forming. And I was like, you know what, it doesn't matter. Like, it doesn't matter whether we have a boy or a girl. This journey is what I make of it. And so I was good for a very long time and really didn't have much of disappointment. I mean, every now and then, you know, I'd see like, yeah, the c cute little dresses, yeah, stuff. And I would just kind of be like, you know, uh yeah, I'll never be able to buy those on that kind of thing. But yeah, you know, what really what happened for me is I would say the worst gender disappointment that I had actually came later, about seven months after Emmett, my youngest, was born. Okay. So I think my journey is a little bit different in that it it came later. So it's about seven months after Emmett was born, all of a sudden, within maybe three months, I had three friends andor family members that were pregnant and announced that they were pregnant. All three of them were having girls, two of which had already had boys close in age to chase. And then they came out and were like, well, now we've got our girl, you know. But there and so there was examples of that perfect ideal family that I had had in my mind for however long. And that was actually the point where I was just kind of like, Wow, this kind of sucks, you know, like I was like, How come they got that ideal family, but I didn't, you know, it was like almost kind of shoved into my face within a three-month period, like, wow, how come I got two boys and they all got girls?

SPEAKER_00: 28:36

You know, and probably at a time too, if you said it was like, you know, seven months after having your son, you had already worked halfway through the pregnancy and enjoyed him when he was born, all these things, and probably got to a mental spot where you're like acceptance and just in the moment and loving your family. And then it's triggering when then you see, especially like that, like you said, in such a short period of time, so many people close to you getting the picture that you thought was you wanted. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 29:02

Yeah, and and seeing the one girl that was been part of my family, you know, all how everybody was so excited about the girl, you know, because there's mostly boys in that family. So she's oh she's got a girl coming, we can't wait to shop, you know. It was a clear change from what I got when I announced my second boy. Right. So it really took me a long time to kind of get through it because that is where I would say I had the worst gender disappointment was during those months leading up to all three of those babies being born. Yeah. I was dealing with seeing it constantly, people talking about it or getting excited for it, all the baby showers, you know, like all that stuff. And it really was tough for me to kind of work through at that point. And it took me a long time to really kind of work through those emotions and really be okay with it again. And because it was it was almost kind of like a relapse there. Like I was fine for a while. I'd gotten over it, and then it just came sweeping back and in a worse way.

SPEAKER_00: 30:09

Yeah. When you're working through this or struggling with this, is this just you, yourself, and I, or have did you openly talk about this with your husband or verbalize it to someone else you trusted, or is it kind of something that you kept to yourself during this period of time?

SPEAKER_01: 30:24

Yeah. So I mostly kept it to myself. I did verbalize it a little bit to my husband, but you know, he just doesn't he didn't seem to understand it quite as much. He's just like, well, well, you'll still get to like see those girls and like buy stuff for them. And so I'm like, that's not the point. I'm like, yeah, you know, different. Yeah. I was going through all the stuff that I've been taught through F for forever, all those narratives that I've heard, you know, the saying, like, a son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life. Like, yeah, you know, all the people that are like, oh, well, you know, the boys they leave, you know, they don't they don't care about their moms, they're not gonna hang out with you when they're older. Yeah. Um, what else?

SPEAKER_00: 31:04

There was there was so many there's so many. I've heard I've heard those same ones, and it's always weighed on my mind. I think a lot of times too, just being women ourselves, you know, like it's not just the buying the dresses or the cute little clothes for girls. It's like long term, we know all the experiences that we've had. And so I think when it comes to having a girl or a boy, like there's just so many experiences with our boys that we obviously didn't go through ourselves. And so, like the idea of having a girl and like kind of just relating in that way and passing down certain things, it just kind of heightens everything. But yeah, man, there are so many things when it comes to boys and and people believe them, you know?

SPEAKER_01: 31:43

And you're almost grieving this picture of a daughter that that doesn't even exist. For me, I had to kind of put it into perspective and be like, look, even if I did have a daughter, like who says they're gonna be my best friend when I do everything that I do and want to hang out with with me when they're older. And just because I have a boy, why do I think that the boy is just gonna be like, well, see you later. I'm not gonna talk to you again. You know, I mean, my my brother himself, you know, he could he hangs out with my mother pretty much every weekend.

SPEAKER_00: 32:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 32:15

So, like, you know, why am I why am I holding this narrative so closely? Why am I believing it this much and letting it impact my life that much? You know, that's something that I had to tell myself over and over again. Like, you have the power to influence the relationship you have with your kids, what no matter what gender or sex they are, you know, you're the one that's in control of that. If you want them to want to be a part of your life when you're older, or if you want your future daughter-in-law or son-in-law or whatever, you know, if you want all of that in the future, you know, you have to work towards that. You have to build those relationships, you have to set expectations and you have to be the one to drive that. And you can't just get caught up in what the world is telling you is going to happen because you don't you don't know that, you know. And as you said, each of your boys has a different personality. They have their own, you know, likes and dislikes and things that they enjoy. And not everybody's the same. So I really had to kind of become aware of those societal and family influences that were really clouding my view of my own life, you know, and what I've had.

SPEAKER_00: 33:31

Yeah, totally. And I feel like we don't even maybe even notice all of those different things that we've been taught over the years until you're in a position like this and you're like kind of fighting against it because you're like, well, this is this is my situation, and it doesn't have to be that way. But, you know, had you had the girl, I'm sure maybe these thoughts would have just stuck with you because it it's all kind of panned out the way you were taught and the way that we all kind of like imagined it would be based off what we've been told growing up and everything. But when you said it was like grieving the loss of having a girl, it it really is. I mean, they talk about it a lot in like the say the infertility community where you have to kind of grieve the loss of the idea of that you the way that you would have children. And I think this topic is very similar. I mean, you had the idea in your head for so long of what you imagined, what you kind of saw your life as as a parent, and that was changed. And you have to grieve the loss of what that looked like, just like anything, any plan, you know. I've been through it in more ways than one, you know, whether it was how I conceived to how I'm bringing a baby home, the number of kids I had, you know, everything. It's just you're grieving the fantasy and the dream that you had and learning to accept the reality. And what you said, I completely agree with. You're in control, you know, it's it's about relationships, it's about being a good parent, regardless if you have boys or girls, and you will have the relationship you want with your kids if you put the work into it, regardless if they are the same sex as you or not, you know. I think that's so, so important to mention. I know you said you mostly kept it to yourself at this point. Do you think those around you could they tell your disappointment in this situation or maybe notice that you were struggling with it? That might not even be a fair question to ask. I'm just curious.

SPEAKER_01: 35:18

So I feel like they my I think my husband definitely could. You know, I think he heard more of the feelings that I had. And he got the most of the truth from me on kind of how I was feeling and and some of those raw emotions that would come up from time to time. Because some days that was fine and like didn't bother me, and other days it did. Yeah. Um, but you know, the others around me, you know, I I don't think so. I don't think they got because I mean they could see how much I do enjoy being a boy mom. You know, they could see how much I love my kids. And I don't think that I let on as much about how much I struggled. Maybe when I was pregnant with my second and I was announcing it, maybe people got like a hint of the disappointment. But I think, you know, it people weren't as aware when I was struggling when everybody around me was having girls. And I tried to keep it pretty quiet because you know, this is something that a lot of people don't want to talk about. They either don't want it put out there that they're disappointed because they don't want their kids to think that they were disappointed by them, which, you know, I could say is the farthest from the truth. I love my kids, right? And I'm not disappointed that they're here and I'm not disappointed in who they are. But I also think people just people don't want to share when they're almost jealous of somebody else. You know, that's what it comes off as a lot. And I think if more people did talk about it, and you know, one of the reasons why I wanted to talk about it with you is maybe we could have these discussions where we're putting things into perspective for people. We're not just accepting it for what it is, um, and just continuing to perpetuate these narratives. I I really think it would help if people were honest about it. At least that's what I feel.

SPEAKER_00: 37:06

Yeah. I completely agree, which is why when you brought up this topic, I was pretty excited to talk about it because I had heard the phrase gender disappointment talked about before. I did never really pinpointed the feelings myself. And for me, it wasn't necessarily like we said, gender disappointment is such a blanket term. I kind of feel like there needs to be a different phrase for it because it's so much more complicated than that. And I feel like disappointment is like the initial like quick reaction, but then it goes much deeper than that. Like you said, just all the things that we've been taught and what we envision for our family. And I agree. I think talking about it is definitely so helpful. Just kind of break down those barriers and let other women know that like there's no shame in having these feelings, especially that fourth trimester, you know, postpartum, trying to keep these things in, along with adjusting to motherhood in general and going from one to two babies. I don't know about you, but that was like rocked my world. Um, it's it's a lot. And so now to feel any kind of guilt or shame about feeling honest, raw emotions about maybe some disappointment with the gender of your baby. It's not fair for women to go through that alone and there's no shame in it because they're real feelings. And I read something that said, you know, every relationship that you go into, there's always going to be some sort of disappointment from someone. No one's perfect. And whether they did it or that's just who they are, and it's the same with your own baby. There no relationship is perfect. So you're not going to feel all of the things perfectly for any one person that you ever meet, and that includes your baby. So it's totally normal to have any level of disappointment about something that doesn't go the way that you thought it would. So I'm really glad that that we're talking about this because it's common. I know it is, and no one is talking about it. And I think too that even women who have maybe they struggled with loss or infertility or some sort of trauma, it kind of like clouds it even more because there's all those phrases, whether being told to them or in your own head over and over, you know, like, oh, I should just be happy. I should just be grateful that I have children. You know, there's people who don't have children, and I have two children. And and so you this there's this like loop in your head sometimes of you're not worthy of feeling any kind of way other than grateful and happy for what you have. And it's it's just not true. All the feelings are okay.

SPEAKER_01: 39:26

Yes, yeah. I I feel like people just are expected to throw away their ideals and everything that they've thought about forever, and you know, well, you know, this is this is your life, you gotta deal with it, and you should be grateful because you know, there's people out there that can have kids and right, you know, all that kind of stuff. And it's like, but I am grateful, but I'm also exactly no, it's it's a different and as you said, there's layers to it, and it does go deeper because it's not always just you know, I wanted a girl and I got a boy, or I wanted a boy and I got a Girl, you know, it's not always just that. There's those underlying desires that you have that, you know, span pretty much the rest of your life. You know, there's there's people out there that there's women that have all girls that think about, you know, well, I'm never gonna have that mother-son dance at a wedding in the future, or vice versa. Even dads. There might be dads out there that are like, I really want a little girl so I can have the dance with them or like give them away. Or you know, like there's those, and really, we don't know if there's gonna be a wedding in the future, you know, those exactly. These are the things that it's like, it's so it's just so confusing almost because there's just so many things going on in your head. Well, this is what I should want, but this is what I do want, but this is what I have, and this can't happen, but maybe it can. You know, there's just like all of this stuff, and it it really can uh create some negative feelings and it really can get some people down. And some people I feel like handle it better than others, but you know, especially when you're pregnant or postpartum and you're dealing with additional hormonal shifts and and you know, your start of a new life, basically, when you have kids and and adjusting to other things, I I feel like that can make it even worse that you go down these spirals of trying to map out your whole life based on this little baby and what you had dreamed and hoped, but also what society's telling you is going to happen with this little baby. And it's like, well, no, we need to pause, we need to understand that we're allowed to be disappointed, but we also have to work on changing our mindset as well. We kind of have to give ourselves time to grieve, but then you know, really try to put it into perspective. And I I feel like that helped me at least. Um just trying to be like, well, why do I want a girl? You know, what is it? What is it about having a little girl that I want? Is it because I want to go dress shopping or I can get my nails done? Is it because I feel like when boys are older, they're never gonna want to come see me? Is it because I don't want to be, you know, the monster-in-law that I hear about all the time? You know, about how mother-in-laws are like horrible. I love my mother-in-law, so that's not always the case. Yes. Is it because my whole family wanted a girl? You know, is that really why? Because I didn't want to disappoint people. Was it because I was told told my whole life that that's what I should want to have? I should want to have a boy, a girl, two kids, that's it, and be this perfect little family. And you know that's not the perfect family for everyone. So I kind of had to go through every single point and almost talk to myself about it and try to work through it.

SPEAKER_00: 42:40

I think that's really great advice for anyone who is is struggling with this. You know, get curious about your own feelings, turn into it and ask yourself the questions that you said, you know, why do I want to grow? Why is this affecting me so bad? Because yeah, I think everyone will have different answers. I know my husband and I went through this a little bit when we decided that surrogacy was going to be our next path of growing our family. And since we had done IVF, we had embryos and we did not test the embryos prior. So, like, we didn't choose our embryos, you know, we just went with the healthiest ones to have our boys, and they just happened to put in both boys. And I didn't want control of that anyway, because there was already so much planned and it was stressful. But going into this new journey after another loss, we really just wanted to make sure genetically everything was okay. And because with the path of surrogacy, it's probably not something that we were gonna do multiple times. You know, my vision of four kids, five kids, or whatever I thought had that had changed. So um, you know, we decided to find out the sex of the two healthy embryos we had. We had five tested and I only found out the ones that were viable. But before we found out, I told my husband we had this talk. I'm like, I don't want to have a third child unless it's because we want a third child, not just for a girl, because I'm not gonna test our embryos. Say find out that they're boys, and then either leave them behind and knowing that they're boys. Like, I didn't want to know the gender of them. I wanted to make sure that our decision was based off of wanting a third child, regardless. Because if we weren't in this situation doing IVF, we wouldn't be able to choose. And that was important to me, which required a lot of changing my mindset and really diving deep and like, why am I putting so much pressure on really wanting a girl? Is it because the babies we lost were girls? Is it because that's what I had already imagined? Is it because, you know, I have a very close relationship with my mom? She's like my best friend, and I had this vision that that could be my situation as well. But like you said, it really doesn't matter because every person, every baby is totally different. And everyone's personalities are different and their experiences are different too. And a lot of that is out of our control. You know, we're gonna raise our kids, but then the world is gonna take over as well, and to some extent. And I could have a daughter and she could decide to move across the world uh for a job, and that might look different than my son who might decide to live down the street. You know, it's just there's so many variables. So I think we've just kind of been programmed over the years to have these ideas of what our families should look like and could look like. And I think the more we have these conversations, we can kind of knock down those barriers and just kind of celebrate the different ideas of how families are made and the different ways that family look in general and how every scenario is really beautiful in its own way. And we can't, unfortunately, as much as my type A tries and tries to control everything and my future and everything, it's just um that's just not how it works.

SPEAKER_01: 45:37

So yeah, yeah. And and all of this, I mean, there are people out there that have had all girls and and want a boy, you know, and and it's the same thing. So all of this can kind of be flip-flopped. Um totally. But yeah, I I'm just really happy to be able to talk about it and show people too that there's a light at the end of the tunnel as well. You know, I've I've worked through all those feelings that I had, and you know, I've come out of it. And if we were to decide to have a third child, which is kind of undecided at this point, yeah. Um, because I've kind of changed my mindset on I was only told always told two children, that's it. Like if you have more, it's a problem. And I've worked through this mindset so much that I'm like, well, if we choose to have a third child, then uh, you know, I shouldn't be listening to outside influences, I should do what I feel is right for my family. But if we were to, I would be completely fine with another boy. And I truly believe that. And I've gotten to a point where I am I'm okay with that. And I told myself the same thing. If we were gonna have another child, I don't want it to be because I'm striving for a girl. That shouldn't be how it is. And I'm finally to a place where I'm I'm good with that. We're still undecided on whether we actually but I think that's an important oh yeah. Oh my gosh. Um yeah, so I I just I'm hopeful that I can help somebody else through these feelings. If somebody's really struggling right now, they can hear this conversation and feel as though look, your life isn't set in stone. You have this beautiful child that I'm sure you love to pieces. Don't let people influence your view of that child or what your life's gonna be. Really, it it is what you make it. And boys are amazing and girls are amazing. And I'm happy for everyone that gets the opportunity to have a child. And and I really hope this helps somebody.

SPEAKER_00: 47:26

I'm hoping so too. I think it's very eye-opening and I love that we talked about this today because I I think the biggest takeaway is that women need to know that they're not alone in these ceilings and that they're real and that it's okay to feel this way. When you were talking about that, you come to a place now, whether you decide to have a third child or not, you're at a place where you feel good about if it's a boy and it's a boy, like we want to pursue it to pursue a third child regardless. I think that's solid advice too for anyone who maybe realizes that they do have your mind kind of set on a certain gender of your next baby. I would kind of encourage anyone in that position to just really start taking stock of your feelings and why you're feeling that way prior to having your child, or maybe you're pregnant and you haven't found out yet, but you've got it in your mind what you really want. Um, you know, just kind of have a plan ahead of time and also just a plan to kind of process it because even though you can tell yourself that you feel a certain way, once it happens to you, feelings are gonna be natural and they're gonna come regardless. So that might mean not doing a very public gender reveal and finding out in front of a hundred people, you know, like maybe you find out privately and take time to process it, you know, maybe skip the big public reveal that could help. But yeah, things to just think about when you're going into this because you want to be feeling your best self too when you have your baby and you're going through postpartum and everything. And so now anyone could reach out to you and to me. We this is a great topic. I I love talking about it, so no one should have to feel alone with the feelings of gender disappointment because it's very real.

SPEAKER_01: 48:59

Yeah. Yeah. And the people don't have to announce it to everybody that they're disappointed either. You know, people want to keep it in, they can, but they they should know that there are people out there that are feeling the same way, even if they're not talking about it. Yes you know, because if you're feeling like you don't want to talk about it with other people, just imagine that other people are feeling that same way. We're not alone. And it can be a very fleeting thing. Some people can experience it for, you know, a day and be over it. While whereas for some people it may take a very long time. I want people to know that they're not alone. And there are people out there feeling the same way you do, and it's okay.

SPEAKER_00: 49:34

Yes, absolutely. Well, thank you so much, Corey, for shedding light on this topic and sharing your own experience. It is really brave to talk out loud about this in hopes of helping other people. So I so appreciate it. And I know listeners are going to hopefully feel supported and just kind of had their eyes open to this topic a little bit more and not be afraid to talk about it and really process their own feelings. And hopefully the tips we talked about can be helpful to them. Thank you for joining me today. It was so nice to hear your story and to get your take on this. Yeah, thank you so much. Thank you for hitting play on this episode today. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend. These conversations are so much more powerful when we spread them through our communities. If you're ready, surround yourself with a community of women who understand the ups and downs of fertility, pregnancy, motherhood after loss, and everything in between, I'd love for you to join us inside your fertility village. It's a space to feel supported, seen, and encouraged exactly when you need it most. You can learn more and become a founding member through the link in the show notes. And be sure to follow along on Instagram at motherhood underscore intended. That's where I will be sharing everything podcast related and everything related to your fertility village. So if you ever forget to go back to the show notes or forget the link, just hop on over to Instagram. You'll find everything there. Until next time, remember, you were never meant to do this alone. Bye for now.